Doctor Who: Daleks in Manhattan (1)


Martha: "I've always wanted to go to New York. I mean, the real New York, not the new new new new new one."

Is it sacrilege for a new fan of Doctor Who to state up front that I've completely had it with the Daleks? I realize they're the iconic Doctor Who villain, yadda yadda yadda, but they just do nothing for me. I thought the way they were treated in the smarter season one episode (appropriately named "Dalek") would have been a great way to address them and phase them out. But no. They just keep coming back. I want something new, dammit!

Lost Lit: Stephen King’s The Waste Lands (Dark Tower III)


How can we live a life that has changed? How can we be ourselves with any certainty, if the past has been mis-remembered? What if it’s been altered? Or deleted?

Surely most of you have experienced this as much as I have. Some recollections are so real to me that I don’t question their reality—but the other participants in those recollections seem to have experienced a different situation entirely, or one with the same dialogues and stage directions, but different intonations, motivations, expressions, and emotions.

When literature, TV, movies—any and all of the great narrative styles of our sunshiny days—play with this resetting, we’re usually not too upset.

Most of the time, the effect is comic: Don Quixote is a fine example of a work that takes all the traditional trappings of the knight errant, follows all the beats of the medieval romance tradition, but up-ends it into a parody that is also a meditation on the transformative power of narratives in our lives.* But Don Quixote is a fool because he wants to be like a character in a book; he is a character in a book with whom we feel a connection, but a distant one: we can laugh at his delusions while avoiding scrupulous self-examination. We’re so busy enjoying the meta-fictional moment, so busy analyzing the serious business of literary parody, that we forget that even a parody is still, at bottom, an expression of the absurdities and desperation of human existence.

Perhaps this ironic self-distancing is also our way of ignoring the potential for truth in parodies—parodies specifically, more than other narrative styles. Take two examples of great parody: Dante’s Comedy and the James Bond movie Casino Royale. As the experts have it, the Comedy is actually a parody of a thirteenth-century prose romance, written in Old French, called The Romance of the Rose. (It’s pretty well-known, as these things go, but it doesn’t have the blockbuster status of Dante.) In The Romance of the Rose, the hero goes on a quest for a beautiful rose. There’s also lots of allegorical stuff, and some pretty intense meditations on the romance genre as a whole and the problem of knights loving women and loving God. Dante plays with all this by having his knight go on a quest for salvation and divine love (instead of the carnal love felt for the rose, which is really a vagina just like the Eye of Sauron) only to find Heaven filled with those damn flowers. But in Dante, the rose is just a symbol, something that must be analyzed and understood in order to get at the higher Truth behind it all. So Dante’s parody points out the futility of artistic creation (like The Romance of the Rose, or—to get meta—the Comedy itself) in expressing the Divine Order of the Universe and such.

So, in Dante, parody tells us about art’s failings while simultaneously creating a sublime expression of art’s greatest achievement. That greatness doubles back on itself to create a sense that only truly great art can point out the futility of art. Then is the greatest goal of art to destroy itself? To become, as the New Historicists say, a “self-consuming artifact”?

On the flip side, Casino Royale (the new one, with Daniel Craig) is a parody. Of a parody. The book was “for serious,” or as much as any Ian Fleming novel ever is serious. But the most well-known adaptation before the Daniel Craig version was a late 60s humorous parody of the whole James Bond ethos—think Austin Powers without the teeth. But the recent reinvigoration of the Bond franchise spurred the Bond Powers that Be to return to the book (the first Bond novel) and therefore to parody the 60s parody—to turn what had been upside down, right side up again. Interestingly (and I’m not much of a Bond fan, so I could be getting this wrong), these Daniel Craig Bond movies also seem to be the only ones that acknowledge their predecessors within the movie: Quantum of Solace feels like a sequel to Casino Royale, as Bond is working out the issues that came to a head in Casino Royale.

These Bond films have their own parodic hi-jinks: both metafictionally by playing with the Bond cannon and drawing our attention to the re-invention of a previous re-invention (and therefore telling us that this new Bond must be taken seriously); and internally, within the fictional logic of the story, as the repercussions of this new seriousness include a reformatting of the franchise into a series of related episodes, instead of just individual repetitions of sex, guns, fire, and salty goodness.

But very few of us—in fact, I’m willing to say none of us—experience a profound despair at the thought of recasting of either Dante’s magnum opus or the new moodiness of a British hottie. We allow literature to re-set itself, we allow texts to re-write the past and create new ones. It’s fun; it’s cerebral; it’s sometimes even sublime.

[Spoiler Warning: I’m going to allude to many of the clips showed at Comic-Con’s Lost panel! Proceed at your own risk! I also talk about Buffy Season Five and beyond, and Angel Seasons Four and Five.]

Roland Deschain, in The Waste Lands, gets to experience this re-setting for himself, with nearly catastrophic results (he also experiences some even crazier metafictionality later in the series; we’ll get there when we get there). In the first novel, Roland met, loved, and sacrificed the boy Jake to further his own quest for the Dark Tower. In the second novel, Roland slipped into America-land, and saved the boy Jake from the death that sent him to Mid-World in the first place.

Now, he has to reap the consequences. While Eddie and Susannah are happily learning how to be gunslingers (and gettin’ their newlywed on), Roland is experiencing a deep mind-split: half of him knows the boy is dead (in Mid-World); half of him knows the boy is alive (in America). Unknown to Roland, Jake is experiencing the same split: he knows he is dead; he knows he is alive. Jake, however, is less familiar with the problems of magic and the possibilities of other worlds, and he just thinks he’s going crazy. Also, he’s developed an obsession with doors.

Jake’s and Roland’s mind-splits have been the topic of some Lost chatter lately, in light of a few of the clips shown at Comic-Con last week. To wit (and stop reading here if you are really that spoiler free. Last warning.): is Season Six going to re-set the entire Lost plot? Did Juliet re-set the clock, so to speak? Is Hurley happy, rich, and safe in LA? Is Kate still a wanted fugitive? For this line of questioning, I picture the numbers on that flippy-number thing in the Hatch: when they hit zero, they jump around for a while on glyphs and such (much as some of our Losties jumped through time for a while) before resetting, with a little help, of course, where they started.

All that chatter, and the weird effect of watching those clips, had a strange effect on me—the result, obviously, was about 1000 words on the nature of parody and the problems of metafictional re-setting. I find myself less worried about the characters on Lost (What would the effect of a resetting be on them? Would they go crazy like Jake and Roland?) than on me, the watcher: if the past five seasons disappear, I will feel cheated, even though I can still watch those five seasons just as much as before. The re-setting reminds me that all is fiction, even though I knew this all along: but suddenly, the possibilities of fiction (in which reality can be re-set) intrude into a simulacrum of reality, and the pretense of veracity is lost.

[Buffy and Angel spoiler warning! If you haven’t seen these show yet, dear god stop reading and rent them, now!]

Buffy was the first show that I watch that did a major re-set: the appearance of Dawn and the implicit re-ordering of the first four seasons. The bigger Buffy re-set, of course, was the emotional discombobulation of "Normal Again" in Season Six: Buffy as “some nutcase in LA” dreaming of life as a mythical avenger. The final shot of that episode, which seems to suggest that all of the Buffyverse is, in fact, a dream, is such a sucker-punch to the heart that I’ve just removed it from my personal inventory of Buffy canon. Buffy, in other words, is a horrible example for Lost to follow if they decide to re-set anything.

Angel, on the other hand, did it pretty well: at the end of Season Four, Angel bargains with Wolfram and Hart: Connor’s happiness, and the erasure of the entire world’s memory of the loss of peace on earth, in exchange for the keys to the evil kingdom. If Angel hadn’t been cancelled, it might have played out differently, but as it is, the real payoff to the erasure came near the end of the series, when Wesley re-remembers all of the pain of the previous five years. His despair reminds us that, sometimes, erasure can be a gift.

As far as The Waste Lands goes, the eventual erasure of Jake’s death is a gift—to Roland, and to the reader. Jake is a delightful character who brings out the best of Roland’s humanity. There’s a price for this erasure, though, that comes in the later books: trust me now when I say that all that sex Susannah had is there for a reason. I can still cry when reading Jake’s death in The Gunslinger, even knowing he’ll be back: it takes so much work for him to get back that the erasure of his death feels real and possible.

I’m just not sure about Lost, though. I like to think that those Comic-Con videos are just a hint of all of our worst nightmares: that the past five seasons would mean nothing; that season six would be a new start or—worse!—a pathetic attempt to get back to September 22nd, 2004. Watching characters experience a mind-split doesn’t sound nearly as enchanting as reading about them, although I am quite concerned that this is what Damon and Carlton mean when they said (after having been asked about flashforwards in the next season) that they were going to do something different than flashbacks and flashforwards in Season Six. Will we be stuck watching two branches of the timeline attempt to ‘course-correct’? And won’t that be kind of like torture?

And how meta-fictional is that? Precisely at the moment that the show becomes its most fictional, we become the most invested in the narratology of the reality it’s presenting. Freakin’ parody and its implications for metafictionality. Always getting in the way. 


Of course, the Beam does ‘course-correct’ Roland and Jake. It’s here, in The Waste Lands, that we first find out about the Beams, which are the spokes on the wagon-wheel of existence that has the Dark Tower as its hub. It’s really interesting, although perhaps not overly productive, to think about the Dark Tower and the Lost Island in reference to the Beams. The Lost Island is movable, both through space and time, but the Dark Tower is fixed, the center of everything. The Beams are what hold it in place, and also (as we can see with the ‘course-correction’ they perform on Roland once he’s on the Path of the Beam) the straight line that keeps everything ordered.

I’m starting to wonder if the Lost Island is an anti-Black Tower (like anti-matter vs. matter, not like anti-choice and pro-choice). It’s a circle, Platonically speaking, and the Black Tower is a line. It’s movable; the Tower’s fixed. It isn’t held in place by anything; the Beams are the purpose of Roland’s existence. Maybe the Island isn’t where our Losties are supposed to go: maybe it’s where no one should ever go. What’s the opposite of the center of the universe? Should I start quoting Yeats? Is the opposite of the center the concept of diverging timelines? My brain hurts.


Dispatches from the Path of the Beam:

• So far, this review has been mostly me navel-gazing about the nature of fictional reality and its relevance to some throw-away Lost clips from a fan convention. If you’ve made it this far in the review…well, thanks.


The Waste Lands feels like two half-books to me: the first half, all about getting Jake back; the second half, all about Lud and Blaine. I’m going to talk about Lud, Blaine, and their weirdly fictional status in my next review. I probably won’t mention it in the next review, but it’s also worth pointing out that the Path of the Beam is where we start to get out first indications of the incursions of other fictions into the Roland universe: Shardik, for instance. Are the Beams held up, in part, by literature itself? By the questions and problems of art? This is a question that will keep coming up, in various forms, through the rest of these books.

• I haven’t forgotten you, Oy! Oy is a billy bumbler who becomes Jake’s friend, and eventually a junior member of Roland’s ka-tet. I’ve always pictured Oy to be like the above photo of a Shiba Inu. Please enjoy.

• I mentioned the Romance of the Rose above: it’s one of those weird influences on the Dark Tower that I can’t quite figure out. As Stephen King tells it, his main influences were spaghetti westerns, The Lord of the Rings, and Browning’s poem about Childe Roland. But all this medieval quest stuff…

*For the purposes of this essay, I’m using ‘parody’ in the classical, Quintilian, sense of the subversion of a previous trope—not in the sense of a Weird Al Yankovic song, or at least not exclusively.

Doctor Who: Gridlock


Doctor: "New New York can start again. And they've got Novice Hame. Just what every city needs: cats in charge."

And it's back to New Earth.

Buffy Season Eight: Predators and Prey


Buffy: "Fine. You can keep the island. Now give me back my nerd."

Synopsis:

Andrew rushes into Slayer Central with news that he has a lead on rogue slayer Simone Doffler; Simone's lieutenant, Nisha, has gotten ensnared in the trap of a Ragna spider demon.

Doctor Who: The Shakespeare Code


Doctor: "The play's the thing! And yes, you can have that."

Okay, so it was Shakespeare in Love with aliens. I still found it to be one of the more enjoyable trips to the past. There were lots of witty lines, I never stopped smiling, and the story never stopped moving.

True Blood: Hard-Hearted Hannah


Daphne: "What? You don't like drums?"
Sam: "It's just that in my experience, no good can come from drum music."

Whoa. All of a sudden, everything changed from sexy and funny, to creepy and scary.

Doctor Who: Smith and Jones


Doctor: "I'm the Doctor."
Martha: "Me too, if I ever pass my exams."

There was a lot I liked about this one.

The structure of this episode was a deliberate callback to "Rose" (and probably to many episodes introducing a new companion). Big public building that she works in, terrible alien threat. He even yelled "Run!" and grabbed her hand to pull her along.

Buffy Season Eight: Swell


Harmony: "These slayers hacked, burned, and blew up millions of fluffy stuffed kitties! And why? Because they had tiny little fangs! They hate us so much they're killing toys now."
Larry King: "Well, that's just mean."

Synopsis:

The slayers in Tokyo, led by Satsu, are tracking down a huge monster that has ripped off an armored car. Kennedy drops in (literally, by parachute) to check up on them. The monster ripped off a small bag labeled "Santorio Corp." that contains a small stuffed animal toy: a white vampire kitten. It's a prototype of a new toy called "Vampy Cat" due to hit the stores next week, which explains why it was in an armored car, I suppose. Satsu and Kennedy take down the monster and take the Vampy Cat back to the slayer lair.

Buffy Season Eight: Harmonic Divergence


Harmony: "Everyone's curious about us vamps these days. I think I fingered a zeitgeist."

Synopsis:

Harmony and her two Pomeranians try to get into a club called "Elite," and are rejected. With lots of famous people and papparazzi around, Harmony picks up Andy Dick, takes him into an alley and bites him. Someone takes her photo. Headline: "Hot vamp gets taste of A. Dick."

Torchwood: Children of Earth, Day 5


Gwen: "I'm recording this in case anyone ever finds it. So you can see... you can see how the world ended."

It would have been wrong to tack a feel-good ending as a conclusion to this incredibly dark and heavy mini-series. The ending they gave us made sense. But my word, it was depressing.

Torchwood: Children of Earth, Day 4


"If we can't identify the lowest-achieving ten percent of this country's children, then what are the school league tables for?"

Holy wow.

Torchwood: Children of Earth, Day 3


Gwen: "What do we do? Just sit here?"
Jack: "Worse than that, do I have to stay in these clothes?"

I'm enjoying this miniseries so much.

Torchwood: Children of Earth, Day 2


Lois: "I didn't sign the official secrets act to cover up murder. And I didn't take the job to commit treason on my second day."

What a fabulous kick butt rescue-Jack-at-all-costs episode.

Torchwood: Children of Earth, Day 1


[Repetition alert! Paul Kelly reviewed Children of Earth a couple of weeks ago when it aired on British television. I'm doing it, too, because I plan to review all of Torchwood. I have not yet read Paul's reviews because (1) I avoid spoilers, and (2) I never read other people's reviews before writing my own. It'll be interesting to see if we hit the same points.]

Jack: "Actually, I found a grey hair."
Alice: "Well, that is the end of the world."

True Blood: Never Let Me Go


Bill: "I can't lose you."
Sookie: "You never will."

The plot thickens. Suddenly we have makers all over the place.

Rome Seasons One and Two


“You look like laundry.”

Costume dramas and toga parties aren’t for everyone. But even if Gladiator left you cold, Caligula left you cringing, and I, Claudius left you feeling overly-British, HBO’s now-defunct series Rome is still worth checking out during the summer television wasteland.

Doctor Who: The Runaway Bride (Christmas Special 2006)


Doctor: "With this ring, I thee bio damp."
Donna: "For better or for worse."

I always tell myself that Doctor Who is fantasy, not science fiction. Torchwood cannot drill a hole to the center of the earth. Spider babies cannot exist in a molten core. The Doctor cannot pinpoint a moment however many billion years ago it was when the bits of rock that make up our planet began to coalesce; I tend to think that would be a very slow process, too.

But when the story is really good, I just go with it. Unfortunately, I couldn't go with this one.

Highlander: Endgame


[This review includes spoilers.]

Connor: "In the end, there can be only one. And that has to be you."

Endgame was a valiant but ultimately unsuccessful attempt to reboot the Highlander movie franchise and replace Connor MacLeod with Duncan. How I wish it had worked.

Doctor Who: Doomsday (2)


Rose: "I love you."
Doctor: "Quite right, too. And I suppose, if it's my last chance to say it. Rose Tyler..."

Season two's been a mixed bag for Rose. Her enthusiasm and growth throughout season one were a pleasure to behold. But this season, the writers have seemed uncertain as to what to do with her. In fact, Rose has been downright annoying at times. So perhaps now was the right time for Billie's departure. That's not to say she won't be missed. She's was instrumental in reviving a much loved British institution, and breathing life into arguably the best loved companion since Sarah Jane. But it's better to bow out when you're on top. And Rose definitely went out with a bang. We expected her death. What we got was perhaps worse.

Lost Lit: Stephen King’s The Drawing of the Three (The Dark Tower II)


“If you have given up your heart for the Tower, Roland, you have already lost.”

And so our tale resumes. When last we saw Roland, he was asleep on a beach—sleep occasioned by the longest night of his life, spent talking to the man in black. When he awakes, the man in black appears to have died, skeletonized, and partially disintegrated. Without an intrepid CSI-tech handy, Roland assumes that appearances are reality.

Reality, of course, is precisely the topic of this installment of the Dark Tower series. Walter (the man in black) had drawn three cards for Roland in their Oceanside parley: The Hanged Man, The Lady of the Shadows, and Death: “Death, gunslinger. But not for you.”


Roland’s encounter with the lobstrosities destroys his red right hand and nearly kills him. What pulls him back together is the discovery of a magical door, jamb-less, hing-less, and existing in only two dimensions. He opens it, and we get one of the funniest lines in the whole damn series:

“The gunslinger looked, froze, uttered the first scream of terror in his adult life, and slammed the door.”

Slapstick is such a visual medium that it rarely works in novels. So when it does, I’m happy. This door gives us Eddie, a pre-gentrification Brooklynite with a nasty heroin habit and a heart of gold. But more importantly—well, maybe—we get a sense of the stakes of the game. The door opens into Eddie’s head, but it also opens into Eddie’s reality. That reality, as far as most casual readers can tell, is our own. Once Roland and Eddie get to know each other (more below) Roland explains the nature of his quest to his young new friend:

"If we win through this, Eddie, you’ll see something beyond all the beliefs of all your dreams.”
“What thing?”
“The Dark Tower.”
What is it?”
“I don’t know that, either—except that it may be a kind of…of a bolt. A central linchpin that holds all existence together. All existence, all time, all size.”

The Dark Tower is the center of the universe: it stands at the center of a series of wheels stack one on the other. Picture a wagonwheel—it’s helpful for the next book. Passage from one wheel or level of existence to another is possible through these doors, although who put them there, when, and why, is never really cleared up. The similarities between Roland’s world and our own, things like “Hey Jude” and a distant Arthurian past, point to the slipperiness of the levels and the likelihood that many, many people have traveled from one wheel to another.

A rudimentary time-travel is possible through these doors, as well. Eddie hails from the 1980s, but the next door leads to Odetta, who is mourning the recent death of “America’s last gunslinger,” John F. Kennedy. The final door, Death/The Pusher, leads to the 1970s. What Roland and his growing band of merry sidekicks can’t seem to do, however, is travel through time in Roland’s own world—the doors just don’t work that way.

The counterpoints to this large-scale picture of the Dark Tower universe are Eddie and Odetta (The Lady of the Shadows), both unwillingly shanghaied into Roland’s level of the Tower, both eventually his tried and true companions—his ka-mates. Sadly, this part of the book is also the part I like least: Eddie’s battle with heroin is rather dull reading, despite the exciting shoot-out at the mob boss’s restaurant. And Odetta/Detta/Susannah’s multiple personality disorder drives me absolutely batty. (And yes, it’s MPD, not schizophrenia, which is hearing voices and experiencing delusions, not having more than one persona.)

Both Eddie’s and Susannah’s angst seems unnecessarily drawn out; the “Detta” personality’s pseudo-ebonics just grates—as Eddie points out somewhere, it sounds like a caricature, not a person. But somehow, despite the unnecessary lengths we’re forced to undergo, I do come to feel extremely attached to both of these characters, if not by the end of this book, definitely by the end of The Waste Lands. So all that characterization and personal growth has a payoff, it’s just not evident here.

In fact, payoff is something of a problem for this installment, which ends with a different type of drawing for the final card, Death. Roland and Eddie slip back into America-level to take down Jack Mort, who, it turns out, injured Susannah twice: once, a blow to the head in childhood that lead to her split personality, and a second time, when he pushed her in front of the subway—which resulted in her losing most of her legs. Roland doesn’t draw Jack Mort into his world; he draws his gun and shoots him down (and then throws him in front of a convenient subway train).

Killing Jack Mort, however, has some radical consequences, and it’s these consequences that make this book relevant to Lost. Jack Mort was the Pusher who killed Jake (this guy really got around). So if Roland kills Mort before he has a chance to push Jake…

“Thoughts of what might happen if he stopped the man in black from murdering Jake did not come until later—the possible paradox, the fistula in time and dimension which might cancel out everything that had happened after he had arrived at the way station…What changes? Impossible even to speculate on them…If it sent all to hell, the hell with it.”

It’s worth it to Roland to save Jake, even if it means never having met him, even if it means ripping a hole in the fabric of reality (as they say in Angel, Season Four). The consequences of Roland’s actions are left unstated—like this season of Lost, we have to wait for the next installment before we have any idea what the results will be.

But the lengths Roland goes to, and the risks he runs, to save his beloved Jake also encapsulate this novel’s greatest boon: we get to know our hero, and we see that he is a man of great loyalty, strong love, and caring devotion to the people that destiny, or ka, bring into his orbit. He is a pure man, although not an innocent one. His character is strong, forthright. He is willing to risk even himself, and his quest, for his ka-mates.

Roland’s interior voice, early in the novel tells him:

“Don’t make the mistake of putting your heart near [Eddie’s] hand…There is steel in him…But there is weakness as well.”
But by the end of the next novel, we will see Roland’s inability to prevent himself from opening his heart to his ka-mates, and, in this novel, we’re beginning to see how that is the necessary requirement for him to reach the Dark Tower.

Random Thoughts:

• This is a damn hard installment to review, as all of the threads that begin in this novel carry over into the first part of The Waste Lands. I would have reviewed them together, except that the second part of The Waste Lands is really the first part of the Wolves of the Calla, which leads into the Song of Susannah…and then I just got confused.

• I’ve got it in my head to finish all my Dark Tower reviews before ComiCon next week. No, I’m not going. Why not? Because by the time I realized I should buy a ticket, they were all sold out. (If you happen to have an extra, though, email me....) Maybe next year. I’ve said that four years in a row.

• Speaking of ComiCon, with the implicit Lostiness of any ComiCon comment (ComiComment?), I’ve always wondered how the Lost Powers that Be, who own the rights to the series, would cast Roland, Eddie, and Susannah. My votes are for Alexis Denisof as Roland and Gina Torres as Susannah.

• No, I’m not dead, for those of you who have been wondering. I moved, and then I came down with a horrible bout of the dreaded lazy virus. If you’re not familiar with the disease, symptoms include re-watching the entire run of Angel, reading every Douglas Preston/Lincoln Child thriller (even though they are truly awful), and not wearing any make-up for weeks. It’s been delightful.

Doctor Who: Army of Ghosts (1)


Doctor: "How long you going to stay with me?"
Rose: "Forever."

"Army of Ghosts" and "Doomsday" will forever be remembered as Rose's swansong. It was the end of a two year adventure, which saw her transformed from inexperienced shop girl to seasoned time traveller. And Rose swearing to stay with the Doctor forever, shows us just how serious she is in her commitment to that new life. She's in for the long haul. Her and the Doctor are as "together" now as they're ever likely to be. But all that's about to change. Rose's monologue at the start of the episode ("this is the story of how I died") prepares us for the worst. And despite the Doctor's reassurances to the contrary, it appears that the Beast was right, after all. Rose is going to die.

Warehouse 13: Pilot


Warehouse 13 is SyFy's first new series under their somewhat clumsy rebranding attempt. The previews of this new series led me to believe it would be a bit like Sanctuary which I couldn't get into. However, the cast ably pulled off a very strong pilot episode. The series is about an Area 51-ish place similar to the last scene in Raiders of The Lost Ark (there's a nice scene with a familiar object) in that its a government storage facility for all sorts of supernatural and paranormal items.

True Blood: Shake and Fingerpop


Sookie: "Isn't it exciting? Our first trip together? Oh come on, Bill. I was almost killed last night. Again. At least give me this."

Absolutely nuts. I loved it.

Highlander: Not to Be


Duncan: "I'm Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod."
Methos: "Never heard of you."

Again, I really had trouble with this.

Highlander: To Be


Duncan: "I have no choice."
Methos: "That is existentially inaccurate."

Please, no. Anything but It's a Wonderful Life. For me, an aspiring television critic, it's like Indiana Jones and the snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

Torchwood: Children Of Earth (Day Five)


Jack: "You said yourself, the world is going to hell any second. Before it does, give us a moment of grace. Just take Gwen home, please. I can't look at her any more."

I was in tears with this one. A tragic finale really. In the end the children were saved. But the cost was so terribly high, that it was difficult to see it as a victory. Steven's gone. Ianto's gone. Jack's gone. Torchwood is seemingly in tatters. I feel quite glum.

Torchwood: Children Of Earth (Day Four)


Ianto: “Don't forget me.”
Jack: “I never could.”

Did they seriously kill Ianto? Is that what just happened? I kept on thinking... don't panic, he'll wake up any minute... they must surely have taken precautions against the virus (somehow)... a pill, maybe... they're just pretending. But Jack's face told a different story. He was absolutely devastated. So that's Suzie, Owen, Tosh and now, Ianto... all dead. At this rate there won't be enough people left for a fourth season. Now there's an unnerving thought.

Torchwood: Children Of Earth (Day Three)


The 456: “We are here!”

At first glance, the new Torchwood Hub (imaginatively named Hub 2) seemed a poor replacement for the now levelled Torchwood Three. No fancy gadgets, just a few old armchairs and a coffee making facility. But it's home now, and with the aid of some electricity and a laptop, Torchwood are back in business. Kind of. Jack still needed kitting out with some decent clobber. Thank God Ianto had the foresight to buy him some sensible clothes. Track suit bottoms? Still, I suppose we should be grateful he was wearing something.

Highlander: Indiscretions


Methos: "You know, we actually make a really good team. We could be like Scully and Mulder."
Joe: "Yeah, right."
Methos: "Sipowitz and Simone."
Joe: "Whatever."
Methos: "Caligula and Incitatus. Well, maybe not Incitatus, because he was a horse..."
Joe: "Will you shut up?"

By far and away the best episode of season six.

Highlander: Two of Hearts


Katherine: "Charity begins at home."

The fifth and final immortal babe audition episode: Claudia Christian as Katherine.

Torchwood: Children Of Earth (Day Two)


The 456: “We are coming... tomorrow.”

Not so long ago John Barrowman made the comment “as long as they pay me the right money, I'm ready to get out my cock and balls." All I can say is, he must currently possess a big fat wallet (no euphemism intended). It was brief... and mostly hidden by the letter X (I didn't zoom in, honestly). But they were definitely out, weren't they? I noticed, too, that Gwen couldn't resist a quick look later in the episode. Real subtle, Gwen. Seriously.

Highlander: Deadly Exposure


Duncan: "You're a madwoman. First you seduce me, then you betray me, and now you rescue me."
Reagan: "All part of a day's work."

Immortal babe audition episode number four: Sandra Hess as bounty hunter Reagan Cole.

Torchwood: Children Of Earth (Day One)


The 456: "We are coming. We are coming... back!"

Wow... that was pretty damn decent. I was unsure how well the mini-series format would suit Torchwood, but it actually worked rather well. I was listening to an interview with John Barrowman on Radio One this afternoon and he seemed to suggest that, in future, they may use the extended story-arc format again (assuming for a moment that Torchwood has a future). If tonight's episode was anything to go by, then bring it on!

Doctor Who: Fear Her


Rose: "I was attacked by a pencil scribble?"

One thing I've found particularly frustrating this season is the show's general lack of consistency. How many times have we seen a potentially good storyline ruined by either poorly judged dialogue or a badly realised villain? Or great characterisation nullified by poor storytelling? The thing that really irks me is, it doesn't have to be this way. They are capable of getting it right. "School Reunion" and "The Girl in the Fireplace" are proof positive they can crank out a good story. But they've so rarely hit the mark this season. Which is a shame for Billie (Piper, not Doux) and David, because they deserve better scripts than this.

Highlander: Justice


Katya: "I went from being her mother, to being her older sister, to her younger sister. But she was always my little girl."

Immortal babe audition episode number three: Justina Vail as Katya. I actually liked Katya. And Justina Vail did end up with a series, although it wasn't a Highlander spin-off; shortly after this episode aired, she landed the female lead in the sci-fi series, Seven Days.

Doctor Who: Love and Monsters


Jackie: "She's so far away. I get left here sometimes and I don't know where she is. Anything could be happening to her, anything. And I just go a bit mad."

Three years on and I'm still in two minds about "Love and Monsters." Was it a clever experiment which paid off? Or an ill conceived filler episode necessitated by a tight schedule and Tennant's inability to be in two places at once? I don't have a problem with the Doctor-lite episodes. I enjoyed "Blink" and "Turn Left" tremendously. And, to be fair, there was much to like about "Love and Monsters." But there was also much to groan at. And the reason for that groaning can be summed up in one word... Abzorbaloff.

Highlander: Unusual Suspects


Fitz: "She loves me, laddie. If there's one thing I know, it's women."

Highlander does Clue. Juliette in the music room with a clarinet. Fitz sure knew how to pick them, didn't he?

Doctor Who: The Satan Pit (2)


Beast: "The lost girl. So far away from home. The valiant child, who will die in battle, so very soon."

When this episode first aired, it was widely rumoured that Billie would be leaving the show at the end of the season. But this was our first real hint as to the nature of her character's departure. Whatever happened to a nice gold watch and a box of chocolates?

Highlander: Black Tower


Marek: "Look around you, MacLeod. I told you I'd accomplish great things."
Duncan: "You make toys, Marek. Get over it."

Watching Adrian Paul do anything is rarely a waste of time, and this episode had its moments. But you know what? We've seen this episode already in season one -- it was called "Bad Day in Building A." And wasn't there a movie with Bruce Willis?