Kirk: "He did exactly what I would have done. I won't underestimate him again."
Terrific introduction to the Romulans, arguably the coolest bad guys in the Star Trek universe. A whole race of warriors who look like Spock. What's not to like?
Star Trek: Balance of Terror
Kirk: "He did exactly what I would have done. I won't underestimate him again."
Terrific introduction to the Romulans, arguably the coolest bad guys in the Star Trek universe. A whole race of warriors who look like Spock. What's not to like?
Persons Unknown: Exit One
“Do you believe in the process?”
Our heroes are running ragged. They’ve been in a state of high alert for a couple of weeks now, and they’re starting to crack. Tori, Blackham, and Charlie are starting to occupy their default panic positions of desperation; Janet and Joe are working out their problem-solving issues; and Renbe…well, I guess I was wrong about him.
Tori attempted to solve her problems the only way she knows how: sex and allure. If she’s to be believed, her father pimped her out so he could advance up the civil service food chain. This strikes me as rather unlikely, but I suppose we should believe her. Who would make up a story like that? Her note to her father seems to have succeeded, although there’s no guarantee that it was her father who received it. I wonder if we’ll see her again? (The previews for next week might have answered that question, but let’s keep the comments spoiler-free.)
Blackham, meanwhile, seems to default to annoying and grasping. Blackham’s blackmail attempts were funny until they went horribly wrong. He’s such a sleaze that I started to hope Charlie would do him in. And Charlie: wow. He proved the fifth rule of Agatha Christie: never try to blackmail a murderer—it’s a sure ticket to a cyanide cocktail. Did he really kill his wife just because she was annoying, or was that just a dig at Blackham’s bad ideas?
Janet and Joe went on an episode-long equivalent to the misguided van-escapade of a few episodes ago. They walked, they talked, they avoided honeybees, and they wound up back where they had started. I don’t understand how they could have gotten so turned around, especially since they walked past the same field of haystacks twice. Oh, well.
So Joe’s in on it, eh? Interesting. He’s an inside man who is increasingly sympathetic to Janet. And his restaurant contact asked him whether he believed in the process, which might be a sign that this is some sort of character-strengthening exercise. I certainly hope not.
I was more shocked by what Renbe said to his editor. Last week, I thought he was being set up as Janet’s ex-husband. His confusion, getting brained in the alley, breaking into the P.I.’s offices—all of those moments made me certain that he was just what he appeared to be. Now, though, he’s claiming to be Janet’s ex. Is he lying? Is he telling the truth? Why on earth would he say that? The benefit of this being a 13-episode series is that we know they’re not ret-conning. I’m not sure that makes his revelation, if it was that, any more believable, though.
Bits and Pieces:
• The women were willing to share information; the men weren’t. I don’t know what to make of that. Nor do I know what to make of the fact that all three women are victims: Moira, with the awful orphanage; Tori, with the sexual abuse; Janet, with the childhood abuse.
• Blackham: “I’m calling it FreshAirrr, with three Rs.” I laughed every time he said it.
• Moira, as I discussed last week, plays the victim card to get people on her side. This week, did Joe do the same thing with the honeybees? It’s an interesting approach to forming alliances, especially if we think about it in context of The Usual Suspects. (And don't give away the end of that movie in the comments!)
• I don’t think I’ve mentioned Sartre’s play No Exit, but the title of this ep reminded me of it. “Hell is other people,” indeed. Especially if you’re there with Blackham.
This episode left me with more questions than answers. I don’t know who or what to believe. There are nine episodes left, and what I’m most curious about is how they can draw this out for another 360 minutes.
Two and a half out of four telegrams.
(Season One, Episode Four)
Vampires
We love vampires. Well, we love some vampires more than others. And the rest? We love syphilis more than we love them. (Ew, syphilis.) In fact, we love some vampires so much that we're declaring July our first-ever Vampire Month. Look for movie reviews, book reviews, and interviews with the writers about which vampires they love more than syphilis. (Ew.) And, of course, stay tuned for more retro Vampire Diaries and Moonlight reviews, as well as new reviews of that little show called True Blood. In the meantime, click for a complete compendium of all our vampire coverage since the dawn of mankind. Well, since the dawn of the site.
The Latest: Buffy Quotes For All Occasions by Billie Doux
TV Shows
Angel
Buffy
True Blood
Vampire Diaries
Supernatural (Hey, there's a vampire episode! It counts!)
Moonlight
Book Reviews
Justin Cronin, The Passage
Charlaine Harris, The Sookie Stackhouse Series
Charlaine Harris, A Touch of Dead
Stephanie Meyer, Twilight, New Moon, and So On
Movie Reviews
From Dusk Till Dawn
Let Me In
Twilight
Twilight: New Moon
Twilight: Eclipse
Writers vs. Vampires: Blog to the Death
Billie on Vampires
Jess on Vampires
Dimitri on Vampires
Josie on Vampires
Buffy Quotes by Billie Doux
Part I: Everyday Conversation
Not enough gore? Check out our Scary Movie Page
Got a vampire suggestion? Post it in the comments, or in our Suggestion box!
True Blood: It Hurts Me Too
Lorena: "The only way to show your love for a human is to stay away. Forever."
I apologize in advance for the pun, but that final sex scene was really twisted. And it had to be frustrating for Bill, who wanted Lorena to suffer, not get off on it. Maybe she considers a flaming lamp in the face as foreplay.
Wonderfalls: Cocktail Bunny
Objects: Brass Monkey, Cocktail Bunny
Missions: “Tell him nothing,” “Save him from her,” “She’s going to kill him,” and “Lick the light switch”
‘Cocktail Bunny’ focuses on the emotional fallout from Jaye losing Eric because she listened to the animals. It begins with Jaye putting a wax lion through a very funny “slow melt on the coffee burner” torture sequence, as she tries to suss out why the animals made her break her own heart. She’s clearly an emotional wreck, and it doesn’t get much better from there, as she smashes a slew of smooshed face wax lions in a fit of rage after they taunt her by saying, “You’ll never get rid of all of us.” Enter Dr. Ron and a prescription for five-days-a-week therapy for Jaye.
Later, after seeing Eric with Heidi at The Barrel, Jaye finally succumbs to a cleansing cry with Mahandra, but soon gets a new mission: “Save him from her,” which she interprets as a directive to save Eric from Heidi. When she demands a further explanation, the brass monkey tells her “She’s going to kill him, and it’s all because of you.” Jaye proceeds to get nuttier and nuttier, as she investigates, stalks, and attacks Heidi, then escapes police custody and breaks into the honeymoon suite to save Eric. Unfortunately, it turns out Heidi was just slipping Eric a “male potency drug” to foster marital relations and wasn’t trying to kill him. A bereft and borderline psychotic Jaye goes to Dr. Ron’s office to confront the brass monkey, and inadvertently ends up saving Dr. Ron (with an assist from her mom) from a truly psycho former patient who was planning to murder him. In the end, she does “save him from her,” but she still doesn’t get the guy, as Eric tells her he’ll be returning to Jersey once Heidi finds them an apartment. Sob!
The Universe is not doing a very good job of revealing its master plan here. Eric is still with that Heidi bitch, and Jaye is still heartbroken. I feel a bit like the writers are treating the audience the way the animals treat Jaye. “Why make me make a home, if you’re just gonna make me break a home?” They get us to fall for Jaye and Eric as a couple, give us a small taste of how great it could be, only to yank it away, leaving us devastated. “Why? Tell me there’s a reason.” Maybe Jaye having to experience the pain of losing love is also part of the Universe’s master plan to make sure she and Eric really have a shot somewhere down the line. Hopefully, all will be revealed soon.
In the meantime, they are bringing the funny and some pretty raw emotion. I think it is great we got to really delve into Jaye’s pain. After it was so difficult for her to open herself up to Eric in the first place, losing him has to be emotionally devastating for her. It wouldn’t have rung very true if she just carried on like it was no big deal. Sure, putting on a brave front for Eric and her family makes sense, but in her private moments we needed to see her angrily confront the animals and let herself really cry. Good stuff. Caroline Dhavernas has been doing a wonderful job conveying the full spectrum of Jaye’s emotions in these last several episodes.
It was also nice to see Jaye’s support system try to help her through this rough patch. Mahandra was wonderful. I loved the scene with Mahandra cradling Jaye in her lap as she cried her heart out. “Cry until you can’t cry no more. I want to see salt deposits on your cheeks when you’re through.” The moment brought back some broken-hearted couch crying memories of my own. I also loved Mahandra jumping out of the closet to defend Jaye after Aaron told her she was acting crazier than usual, without even thinking about how it might expose her “torrid little affair” with Aaron. That’s true friendship.
Karen was also wonderfully supportive, even though Jaye was pretty resistant to her. She encouraged Jaye to see Dr. Ron, and even went so far as to question Eric about Jaye’s emotional state. “I’ll tell you how upset she is, if you tell me what she’s upset about.” And even though Karen recognized that her efforts were pushing Jaye away, she kept letting Jaye know she was there for her and trying to find a way to help. I initially suspected Karen was the one sneaking in to Dr. Ron’s office to view Jaye’s therapy sessions, in an effort to learn what was wrong with her daughter. But when she brought over Jaye’s photos without looking at them, I realized she wouldn’t have spied on Jaye that way (even if she may have wanted to). In the end, after talking down psycho killer, Angie, Karen got rewarded with a genuine moment of connection with Jaye. “I do have some wisdom to impart, sweetheart.” “I know. I’m sorry.”
Other Thoughts
It was good to see Dr. Ron again. I was very amused by him continually misinterpreting Jaye’s conversations with the brass monkey as threats directed at himself. “You better tell me something, because I’m fixing to neuter you!” “She’s gonna kill him?” I also loved when he finally realized Jaye needed much more help than he could provide. Of course, in the end, he seemed to recognize that maybe she wasn’t as crazy as she seemed. I wonder what he thinks of her mental state now?
I liked the sweet little moment between Aaron and Mahandra in his room before she discovered the cameras. “Are you saying I make you happy?” “Yes, yes. You make me happy.”
Heidi was rocking some pretty sweet leather pants this week. Looking good, Jewel.
So Eric and Heidi aren’t sleeping together yet, huh? Guess he’s not feeling quite as forgiving and committed as he’d have everyone believe. Thank goodness!
How funny was Angie’s murder kit? Wonderfalls Poly-Blend T-shirt. Wonderfalls Happy Funball. 1 gal. Unleaded Gas. Wonderfalls windproof lighter. Ha! The blue vinyl jacket with the matching hat was also a hoot.
What was up with Angie singing the Facts of Life theme song during her murder fantasy? Who accompanies a murder with peppy ‘80s theme music? Ca-razy!
I loved the way Karen handled herself in the elevator. Her private facial expressions showed how freaked out she was, but she remained calm in her interactions with Angie. She even managed to get Angie to open up about her pain and her plan. Go, Karen!
The brass monkey’s response to Jaye’s demand that he explain why the animals talk to her was absolutely maddening. “Because you listen.” Aaargh!!!
Why is Eric hanging around for two weeks if things between him and Jaye are weird now? Does he want a little time to say goodbye to his interim life? Or is it something else?
My favorite little moment in the episode was Sharon, absolutely winded from running up multiple flights of stairs, stopping for a “refreshing” drag on a cigarette. Hilarious!
Quotes
Jaye (to Wax Lion): “Why make me make the man I love remarry his hussy bride? How is that helpful? Who does that benefit besides the hussy? Because I’m not in the business of benefitting hussies!”
Karen (re: Aaron): “He’s very concerned about you. He’s started praying. And you know how he feels about that sort of thing.”
Dr. Ron: “Do you do everything the monkey and the lion and the fish tell you to do? Even if it causes you pain?”
Jaye: “Yeah, they kind of wore me out that way.”
Jaye (to Heidi): “If you hadn’t wiped yourself with your first wedding vows, he wouldn’t have had to get them renewed.”
Jaye (to Heidi): “Looks like the credit card you used to pay for your sins got declined.”
Aaron (to the animals): “OK. I’ll ask you one more time --- where’s the monkey? Did he walk away? Can he walk away? Are you guys ambulatory?”
Mahandra (re: Jaye): “I can’t be happy when she’s sad. There are rules!”
Mahandra: “Did you record us having sex? Oh my god. Is it on the internet? Oh my god. I’m a naughty black door woman. Back door woman! Oh my god!”
Jaye (re: the animals in Aaron’s room): “Is this a shrine?”
Aaron: “No. It’s, a … display.”
Police Detective (re: the list of charges against Jaye): “… and leaving a Number Two in the good doctor’s desk drawer. And I’m not talking about the pencil.”
Eww!
Jaye: “Me and the monkey are gonna have words!!!”
Jaye (to Brass Monkey): “Was this all a big set up? Get me to turn a few tricks for the Universe, break my heart, then ship me off to the crazy house before I can squeal?”
Eric: “Heidi went back to Jersey.”
Jaye (hopefully): “She did?”
Eric: “She’s looking for our apartment. And when she finds it, I’m going back to Jersey, too.”
Sob!
Final Analysis: A fun episode with good twists and some great laughs, but I’m still feeling as heartbroken as Jaye.
Star Trek: The Conscience of the King
Lenore: "All this power surging and throbbing and under control. Are you like that, Captain?"
Not a very good episode. But it's nice to think that live theater will make it to the stars.
About Us: Paul Kelly
This is the last in our "About Us" series. Meet Paul Kelly!
What area of the world do you live in, and what do you do? (Because we all know you don't make any money doing this.)
I live in England; more specifically, in "God's own county". I'm mostly a music teacher, though I do post the occasional article in my local rag.
What show or shows are you covering on the site?
Just Doctor Who at the moment. I'm also to blame for the Heroes, Lost and Battlestar Galactica webisode reviews. And when the wind's blowing in the right direction, I submit the occasional book/movie review.
Fill in the blanks: "If ______ weren't already doing a great job, I would review _____."
Along with Billie, I'd quite fancy a stab at Glee. As for shows now over, I'd quite like to have done Terminator:TSCC, and maybe Firefly, too.
What's your favorite television show of all time? (Okay, top five will do if you can't narrow it down to one.)
Dexter, Lost, Veronica Mars, Firefly and Battlestar Galactica. I'm also partial to the X-Files, Alias and Babylon 5. As for English TV shows, I like Doctor Who, Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes (and, yes, I did enjoy how the show ended).
What was the first show you fell in love with?
Babylon 5 was the first show which really blew me away. The Shadow war stressed the hell out of me. Babylon 5 was the first show I ever watched where the main characters felt genuinely flawed, and I was never sure they were going to live from one week to the next. Why did they have to kill Kosh? Why? (*rents garments asunder*).
What shows would you consider to be your guilty pleasures?
I've got loads... NBC's Ed, ABC's Modern Family (so clearly, I've got a Julie Bowen obsession going on), ABC's The Wonder Years (I used to cry at that a lot... and I'm relatively stable, mentally). I suppose Veronica Mars should be up there, too, since I'm a grown man.
Who's your favorite male television character? Same question for female.
Unquestionably, Malcolm Reynolds. He's so damn cool, and funny, and handsome... and other things I'm not. Female wise, probably Sydney Bristow; because of her ass-kicking antics, and the fact that she's quite soft inside and knows how to cry (like me, when I'm watching The Wonder Years).
Favorite television theme songs?
Phantom Planet's “California” (from The OC). Remy Zero's “Save Me” (from Smallville). The Theme music from Mr Ed. Joe Cocker's “With a Little Help From My Friends” (from The Wonder Years). The Hawaii Five-O theme music. Laurie Johnson's theme music to The Professionals (TV theme music or porno music? Discuss).
The Tales of The Unexpected theme music used to scare the crap out of me... as did Henry Mancini's "The Pink Panther".
We love movies, too. What's your top five movies?
Blade Runner is my favourite film of all time. If I told you how many times I'd seen it, you'd talk about me behind my back (and I'd probably deserve it). And now I own 5 versions of the movie, I can't see things improving any time soon.
Other films I really love are Donnie Darko, Solaris (the 2003 remake, oddly enough), Dances with Wolves (Oh, Mary!), Cypher (Oh, Lucy!), V for Vendetta (O, Padmé!), AI (Oh, FFS!)... and delving into the (more) embarrassing stuff, Some Kind of Wonderful, Atonement and Big Fish. That's about five, isn't it?
We love books, too. Who are your favorite authors? What are you reading right now?
Right now I'm (again) reading “Cat's Cradle” by Kurt Vonnegut. My other favourite authors are: Philip K Dick, Stephen King, Robert Jordan (despite volumes 8-10 of his WOT series bordering on the slow), Graham Greene, Stephen Lawhead, Ray Bradbury, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Ellis Peters.
My favourite classic is Alexandre Dumas' “The Count of Monte Cristo”. Everyone should read the unabridged version of that book before they die (Robin Buss translation). In fact, at over 1200 pages, it may be the reason why you die.
When did you realize you were a hopeless geek?
Excuse me! I'm actually exceptionally cool. (He says, straightening his tin foil helmet and doing the Vulcan salute.)
Star Trek was, I suppose, when the rot started to set in. That opened my eyes to sci-fi, and it was a downwards spiral from there. I'm also a gigantic fan of British sci-fi comic 2000 AD. I started reading it at 9 (the age, not the hour) and I still buy it today.
And, games wise, I'm a long-time player of Guild Wars (so I love pwning bitch-ass noobs... whatever that means), and I still play Oblivion more than is good for my health. I'm also old enough to remember Jet Set Willy, the original Space Invaders and Asteroids (affectionately known as haemorrhoids in our house; probably because it was a pain in the arse).
What's your sign?
The Southern Cross. (Rest in peace, Ronnie.)
What's in your iPod/MP3 player?
Good grief, it's positively heaving with stuff. Being a music teacher, I listen to just about everything, so my iPod reflects that. There's Dream Theater, The Liquid Tension Experiment, Hiromi, David Bowie, Audioslave, Rage Against the Machine, Blondie, Anna Netrebko, The Bluetones, Bob Marley, Maria Callas, Bruce Springsteen, The Smiths, Damien Rice, Felix Mendelssohn, The Foo Fighters, Echo and the Bunnymen, Greenwheel, Muse, Pink Floyd, The Sixteen, Joe Bonamassa, Black Sabbath, KT Tunstall, Marillion... I could go on, but would rather stop before I get to Adam and the Ants and Abba..
What's your least favorite chore around the house?
Cleaning the windows. So quite literally “around the house” in my case.
What's your favorite flavour of ice cream?
Carte D'or Mascarpone. (Incidentally, a good name for a Guild Wars character: maskerpwny.)
Cats or dogs? Elvis or the Beatles? Sam or Dean?
Allergic to both (but fond of both). The Beatles, because they wrote their own stuff. And probably Dean.
Right, I'm off to watch Blade Runner... again.
Vampire Diaries: You’re Undead to Me
“What do we really know about him, anyway?”
Take that, dramatic irony! Since the beginning, we’ve known about Stefan and Damon, but our heroine hasn’t. What really matters, though, isn’t that Stefan drinks bunny blood and requires a 1000 SPF ring. He’s a Seinfeld fan, and a good cook. He still struggles with that lying thing, though. Like having his brother locked in the basement.
Wonderfalls: Lying Pig
Objects: Mounted Fish, Wax Lion, Lying Pig, Shirt Serpent
Missions: “Mend what was broken,” “Spit out your gum,” “Check out time,” and ”Get to the church on time”
‘Lying Pig’ picks up slightly before the end of ‘Safety Canary’ and shows us exactly what led to Eric being in Heidi’s embrace when Jaye walks into The Barrel. Fortunately for Jaye, Heidi is the one making all the advances and the feeling isn’t mutual. Upon Jaye’s arrival, Eric quickly ditches both women, leaving them to “chat.” Jaye is prepared to tear into Heidi full force and fight for her new man, but is brought up short by the Mounted Fish telling her to “mend what is broken.” And thus commences a maddening, hilarious, and ultimately painful outing that finally gets Jaye to admit her feelings about Eric, but ends with her in a heartbroken daze agreeing to be the witness at Eric’s quickie remarriage to Heidi.
Aaargh!!! I was frustrated after the last episode, and through a large part of this one, but now I just feel gut-punched. Eric cannot be getting back together with Heidi. The woman broke her vows to him before they’d even consummated their marriage! Jaye may be closed-off, evasive, and frustrating, but she never broke promises to Eric. And Eric just confessed to Mahandra that he loves Jaye! He just can’t get back together with his cheating, lying, pig of a wife after all that!
Jaye’s animals are heinously cruel to put her through this! She’s finally stopped letting her fear get in the way of potential happiness. She’s ready to take a chance on love, but those accursed animals won’t let her act on it! Aaargh!!! At this point, I’m pinning all my hopes on there being a method to this madness, which will allow things to ultimately work out in Jaye’s and Eric’s favor. Maybe Eric has to face and work through his lingering issues with Heidi before he is truly ready to be with Jaye. Yes, that must be it. It will all work out for the best in the next episode. Right? Do you hear me writers?! That Heidi bitch does not get to win! Jaye does!
OK. Deep breaths. For all the frustration and heartbreak, ‘Lying Pig’ did feature several amusing subplots with Mahandra and Aaron, and Darrin and Karen. Even the Jaye, Eric, and Heidi parts were funny at times. I couldn’t help but chuckle at Eric’s repeated comments about Heidi staying off her knees and his various near-fainting spells (including a reprise of his chapel anxiety). Jaye accidentally hitting Heidi with the TV was a laugh out loud moment, and I was pretty entertained by Eric’s subsequent disappointment that it was only an accident and not something Jaye did during a fight over him. Jaye and Heidi facing off in the hotel suite was also good for a few laughs. (“I was practicing!” Seriously? Lamest excuse for adultery ever.)
I really enjoyed watching Mahandra deal with her feelings for Aaron. Apparently, I’m not the only one who thought their liaison was a bit incestuous. I busted out laughing when she blurted to Heidi, “You, like, did it with your brother!” and later ranted to Eric about Jaye, “Maybe it’s because she’s freaked out. Here you are, her friend, practically her brother, and all of a sudden she’s thinking about you in dirty ways. It’s freaky, OK?” Projecting much, Mahandra? At least she worked through her reservations and fell happily into Aaron’s “I’m just here for the fish” freak arms again. Those two could be good for each other.
The subplot with Karen being angry about Darrin’s inattentiveness felt fairly disconnected from the other happenings in this episode (except for the like father, like daughter “You really need to take your hand off me” moment), but was still enjoyable. Karen’s transition from snarky anger to proactive retribution was great (“Actually, I’m feeling a wee bit peckish”). She looked truly fantastic in that black dress. Guess Darrin just needed a little visual reminder that his wife is worth fighting for. Plus, the Sharon-Darrin spy team was highly entertaining, especially Sharon’s horrified “She is eating his pickle!”
Other Thoughts
Well, they cleared up my confusion surrounding the overall timing of the series. It has been three months since the events of the Pilot.
They also sort of addressed Mahandra’s change of heart regarding Jaye and Eric’s relationship. “Wait a minute --- you encouraged Jaye to break up with me?” She made a mistake, plain and simple. She even shifted back to being OK with it, especially once Jaye and Eric separately confessed to her that they might love each other. I guess finding a possible relationship with Aaron gave her new perspective.
I loved that Jaye went to Aaron for help with her animal troubles. Even better was him just accepting it and trying to help her without passing judgment. “So it’s not just the cow creamer? Interesting.” They even got to have a sweet brother and sister moment when she sincerely thanked him and he told her not to worry about it.
Although, how funny was it that Aaron’s notion of “taking care of it” for Jaye was to gather all the animals in his room and attempt to get them to talk to him? “Talk to me. Please?” Part of his dissertation research? Or part of his “meaninglessness in a universe that has meaning” existential crisis?
I really enjoyed the Mahandra and Eric heart-to-hearts. I like that these two have a friendship outside their relationship with Jaye. I really enjoyed how she stood up for him when Heidi showed up at the bar, and then later told him it was OK to still love his wife. Plus, the miscommunications about “the shrew who ruined my life” and “crazy women and the losers who love them” were amusing.
It was also nice to see Eric sticking up for himself with Heidi. “I wasn’t the only one who made promises. And I didn’t break mine.” And, “You were my life, Heidi. And you’re the one that dropped out.” Too bad he went back to her in the end. Aaargh!!!
I loved Sharon’s WTF expression after Aaron came strolling through with the flamingos.
“Jamakan Bacon” 100% slow-cooked island pork. Hilarious!
Heidi’s velour track suit with the white fur jacket and the high-heeled Converse high-tops cracked me up. She was screaming “stereotypical Jersey girl.” All she needed was bigger hair.
Quotes
Eric: “How’d you get in here anyway?”
Heidi: “I bribed the busboy.”
Eric: “Same way you tipped the bellman on our honeymoon?”
Heidi: “But here I am, begging you to forgive me.”
Eric: “Don’t get on your knees. Wouldn’t help your case much.”
Aaron: “You sound just like my sister.”
Mahandra: “I am not your sister! I mean --- I had a very nice time. Thank you.”
Mahandra: “Are you saying I’m glowing? I’m not glowing. I am a woman of color. We just do that, alright?”
Mahandra: “Oh, please. First of all, if you think Jaye made him less frustrated, you’re sadly mistaken. And what he did and what you did? Not even in the same league.”
Jaye: “No riots. I just threw it out the window. But it was an accident! You know … if the cops ask.”
Heidi: “This whole thing is your fault.”
Jaye: “Ah, while normally that’d be true, this time I’m quite certain you’re the crazy one.”
Jaye: “The bellman, lady. On your honeymoon. Between us, you win the skanky ho contest.”
Eric: “That’s what I want in my life.”
Jaye: “Insane parents?”
Eric: “Something worth fighting for.”
Mahandra: “You just let him walk out of here with the Heidi Ho?”
Jaye: “Oh! [Snap.] I wish I’d said that.”
Jaye: “I think I might love him.”
Mahandra: [Gasp.]
Jaye: “See, that hurt!”
Mahandra: “Jaye! You have to tell him. He’s been waiting for you to tell him. Go! Go right now.”
Eric: “I can’t just walk away.”
Jaye (resigned): “You’re not that guy.”
Eric (sadly): “No. I’m not.”
Jaye: “And that’s why I’m crazy about you.”
Final Analysis: Another funny episode, but this time with an ending that stomps your heart flat. Please let this be the Universe making sure Eric works through his issues so he can really commit to Jaye! Please?
Doctor Who: The Pandorica Opens (1)
Unknown voice: "Silence will fall".
This was a massive episode. Not only were the stakes enormous, and the cliff-hanger whopping, we were treated to perhaps the biggest assembly of Doctor Who baddies the show has ever seen. And not just fifth season villains, either. We got to see Autons, Cybermen, Sycorax, Daleks, Judoon, Sontarans, and a whole host of other nasties too numerous to mention (except I do mention them later). It was like fanfic times 10 to the power of 23 (I did the math). It was also rather brilliant. I almost had a nerdgasm.
Star Trek: The Menagerie
[This is the only two-parter in the original series. I'm reviewing it together.]
Spock: "Don't stop me. Don't let him stop me. It's your career, and Captain Pike's life."
Persons Unknown: The Way Through
“I hate this place.”
I’ve mentioned elsewhere how much it irks me when the writers don’t seem to realize that the characters interact off-screen. Consider me irked.
This episode didn’t pick up where we left off: an entire week of digging has passed since last week. Now, maybe it’s just my inordinate fondness for The Great Escape, but I think that an entire tunnel-digging episode would have been fabulous. You can learn a lot about people when you’re digging together. Digging is hot, boring, dirty work: at the end of the day, over Szechuan eggplant and eggrolls, you’d tell stories. Funny stories, sad stories. You’d open up, because you’d be too tired to shut down. But our characters don’t seem to have done that. They seem to have just…dug.
In silence.
Without even changing their clothes.
That plan didn’t work, or the signal fire. I’d thought the fire would catch, and the people would be trapped in a blazing town with no way out. Instead, the Dharma Initiative dropped off a box of not-enough gas masks. Not surprisingly, the point of the gas masks was not to protect our heroes, but to punish those selfish enough to keep their own masks. Perhaps this is some self-help workshop, like The Game.
And now I’m out of things to say about the plot. That was fast.
Moira continues to be an interesting character, for two reasons: she dribbles out information in odd bits, and she definitely seems to latch onto people. It almost seems like a Survivor strategy: she continues to portray herself as a victim in one-on-one encounters, which means that at least two people will now inadvertently cast themselves in the role of protector if she’s in harm’s way. The second reason? She’s the only character who talks about anything!
Well, except for Blackham and Charlie, who seem to have an odd bond. Blackham saw what appears to be Charlie smothering his wife; Charlie, meanwhile, implied to some people that his wife is alive, but told Blackham that it was a mercy killing. Then Blackham revealed that he’s not really a used-car salesman. That man has an odd effect on his surroundings: he seems to incite people to violence. If he’s a plant, I don’t think he’s the only one. But he might just be playing his own game. A slimy, seedy game.
Janet, meanwhile, had a bit of a breakdown and then pushed through it. How interesting would it have been if there’d been just a hint that she and Joe were sleeping together? Or—even better—if we’d gotten a hint that two unlikely characters, like Charlie and Tori, had indulged in some cold comfort a few days ago, and were now avoiding each other? A touch, a shudder, a glance…I’d hoped for that sort of subtle layering from McQuarrie, but I’m not getting it.
I continue to hold out hope, but this episode really didn’t do much for me. The previews for next week look promising, though.
Bits and Pieces:
• “Never bring a bat to a gun fight.” Love this variation on The Untouchables.
• Tori: “There are some gasses you can’t see?” Is that a serious question?
• The Symbol of the Week is the tiny spoon and the big barrel of ice cream. The spoon will definitely snap before Janet finishes that tub.
• Renbe is being set up. Oh, and the private dick’s name was Edick. Funny.
I couldn’t find a good screenshot for this episode, perhaps because only twenty people are watching this show. So the image is of adorable baby panda stuffed animals hugging. I’d love to watch a show about baby panda toys trapped in a town, talking in their little voices about how to escape. “Oh, no! What do we do now, my panda-friend?” "Eek! We are in peril!" As long as they all survived, of course.
One out of four tiny wooden spoons.
(Season One, Episode Three)
True Blood: Beautifully Broken
Eric: "You're going to invite me in so I can protect you. Or have passionate, primal sex with you."
When I think of True Blood, the word that usually springs to mind is "outrageous." This episode was definitely outrageous.
Wonderfalls: Safety Canary
Objects: Safety Canary, Lovesick Ass, Mounted Fish
Missions: “Take a picture” and “Save the lovebirds”
‘Safety Canary’ seemingly picks up pretty much where we left off in ‘Lovesick Ass,’ with Jaye and Eric prepping for their first official date at the zoo. Unfortunately, their date goes horribly awry when Jaye is hounded to “take a picture” (ironically by a sign warning patrons not to use flash photography) and subsequently gets attacked by a traumatized macaw. Because Jaye’s actions get the birds’ handler reassigned and threatens to destroy the macaws’ mating efforts, she’s later directed to “help the lovebirds,” kicking off her latest string of crazy adventures. This week’s activities include “liberating” the birds from the zoo, creating a supportive mating habitat in her parents' laundry room, allowing the birds to escape, and then attempting to recapture them, all while trying to protect Eric from her man eater ways. By episode’s end, “love is in the air” for nearly everyone except Jaye, even though she spends the better part of the episode making out passionately with Eric. Go figure.
Sigh. This is another fun episode, but I can’t even begin to express my frustration with this latest turn in Jaye and Eric’s relationship. I never should have let myself get excited by the possibility of those two together. It just can’t be easy, can it? I understand they are “in the infancy of their relationship” and that “the bond is very delicate,” but couldn’t they have had at least one good date before Jaye tried to scuttle the whole relationship and Eric’s ex-wife showed up? Cruel, cruel writers. It makes sense that if Jaye has never been in love and really does like Eric the most of all the boys she’s liked, that she might try to protect herself and use her “animals as an excuse to avoid risk.” But I wanted to enjoy the treacly romance just a little longer, dammit! Darn that Jaye for standing in her own way!
With a little “help” from Mahandra, that is. I found Mahandra’s sudden shift in attitude perplexing. She was totally egging Jaye on to get with Eric in ‘Lovesick Ass,’ but is now insisting Jaye break things off with Eric. Did she have a change of heart when she saw how smitten Eric was? It isn’t like he was hiding his moony affection for Jaye before they started kissing. Why wasn’t she concerned until Jaye said there was no love to kill “yet”? (“You said yet. Three little letters and the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard fly out of your mouth. And also the most terrifying.”) I can appreciate her wanting to protect poor besotted Eric from the love-killing predator that she knows so well, but why encourage Jaye to go after him in the first place if she was concerned about “everything that boy’s been through”?
Speaking of Mahandra, I totally did not foresee a love connection between her and Aaron. It came out of nowhere and kind of felt a bit incestuous. And yet, it still worked somehow. Maybe because it makes perfect sense for them to bond over the craziness that is Jaye. I hope they combine their knowledge and realize that Jaye really is getting messages from inanimate objects. Could be fun.
Other Thoughts
I really loved the way they kept using the birds’ situation and characteristics to parallel Jaye and Eric. The juxtaposition of the opening narration with Jaye and Eric getting ready for their date was particularly amusing. “Lauren, our wild-caught female is an unwieldy, some might say, destructive bird. A lovely, lovely creature. She’ll chew through just about anything given half a snowball’s chance. Even a prospective mate.”
I was, once again, going to complain about the confusing weather changes between episodes --- they went from shorts and sweltering heat to sweaters and winter coats! --- but on further reflection, I realized this is an accurate depiction of the weather here in western New York. We had several stretches this spring where I bounced between shorts and sweaters all in the span of a couple days. Crazy!
However, the constantly shifting weather does make it a little hard to keep track of how much time has passed in the series to this point. How long has it been since Sharon and Beth first hooked up in ‘Pink Flamingos’? It feels like it has been several months at least, so it seems strange that Sharon would suddenly be second-guessing the relationship. Has it been less time than it seems?
Did Beth sleep with her ex-husband? Has she gone straight again? Thomas seemed awfully chipper when he left her place, and she really wanted to tell Sharon something. Poor Sharon.
The visual with Eric’s heart flying out of his chest and into Jaye’s destructive grasp was really funny (and kind of gross). “Somebody stop me, I can’t help myself!”
Jewel Staite, I love you. Ordinarily it is a pleasure to have you on my television screen. But right now, I hate you. Go back to your hole, Heidi!
I was amused that the poor exchange student from Prague is still in touch with both Sharon and Aaron.
Rufus and Penelope were very cute together, but that ending montage with their “meet the elephant” date seemed mildly obscene. And yet, I start laughing every time I picture it.
Quotes
Jaye: “Eww. Did that monkey just throw its food at you?”
Penelope: “In a way.”
Sharon: “Thank you for allowing me to be a rest stop on your road to heterosexual bliss.”
Beth (confused): “You’re welcome.”
Jaye: “And I’m not a love killer.”
Mahandra: “Well … actually, the bird lady is kind of right about that. Well, half right. You don’t just kill love. You stalk it, you toy with it, then you kill it. You’re the huntress and love is your prey.”
Jaye: “Love. Love is our higher law. And we’re here to save it. Not that it was ever in any danger. From me.”
Aaron (re: the birds): “Did the cow creamer tell you to do this?”
Jaye: “No. A stuffed donkey did.”
Penelope: “Why are you here?”
Aaron: “I wanna see an engorged cloacae.”
Penelope: “I told you. Your powerful sexual chemistry is too distracting.”
Aaron : “I get that a lot actually.”
Jaye: “I’m trying to save him. By avoiding him. So I can be with him. But I can’t go near him or I’ll destroy him. So if I can just manage to stay away from him, then maybe we could be together. [Pause.] Please don’t repeat that back to me.”
Mahandra: “Yeah, well, for all my innate magnetism, I haven’t really been attracting a lot of the brothers in the Greater Niagara Region lately.”
Aaron: “I’m somebody’s brother.”
Eric: “I don’t want to escape.”
Jaye: “You need to. You need to now, before you have to chew off your own leg to get free.”
Jaye (to Penelope): “I’ve never seen anyone work so hard to get someone else laid in my entire life. You’re like the total Mack Daddy bird pimp.”
Jaye: “Human interaction is scary. And it’s unpredictable. And you have to interact with other, … humans.”
Final Analysis: A good episode, but a very frustrating turn of events. The course of true love just never runs smooth, does it?
About Us: Serena Yang
Here's the next installment in our "about us" series. Meet Serena Yang!
What area of the world do you live in, and what do you do? (Because we all know you don't make any money doing this.)
I live in a small island that is like nowhere else on Earth, where people wear edible clothes, drink Starbucks while biking to work, and pass by naked men with nothing on but a purple cape without even blinking. Welcome to San Francisco.
Professionally, I yell at people, color code, and herd cats. I recently got promoted, so now I can add "being overhead" to the list.
What show or shows are you covering on the site?
GLEE!
Fill in the blanks: "If ______ weren't already doing a great job, I would review _____."
How can you ask me that question? The reason I found this place to begin with is because of Billie's reviews of Buffy and Lost. As Josie said, it's part of my viewing experience. But the shows that I love enough to have an opinion on would be True Blood, Dexter, and Chuck.
What's your favorite television show of all time? (Okay, top five will do if you can't narrow it down to one.) What was the first show you fell in love with? What show would you consider to be your guilty pleasure?
Buffy is easily my favorite show - although I completely blame her for making me think it's ok to talk like a valley girl. My top 5 is rounded out by Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, Glee, and Alias.
Since I've been a tv addict most of my life, I can't remember when I first fell in love with a show - but I can tell you that the first show I remember watching obsessively was Buffy.
As far as guilty pleasures go - I openly admit to loving Gossip Girl and listening to Britney. So I have no shame, but I love L&O: SVU.
Who's your favorite male television character? Same question for female. Favorite television theme song?
Dexter, Casey from Chuck, and Eric from True Blood, and Adama from BSG come to mind. I'd have to say Buffy, Sydney Bristow from Alias, Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl, and Sue Sylvester from Glee.
I love the BSG theme song, but I love the Alias opening sequence.
What character do you identify with the most, and why?
Oy. A better answer would be what character do I aspire to be? There I'd say Blair Waldorf for her wardrobe, Sydney from Alias for her crazy talents, and every tiny female that could kick a**.
Actually, I want to change my answer to character I identify with most to Debra Morgan (potty mouth) and Greg House (crankypants).
We love movies, too. What are your top five movies?
Gladiator, Chicago, Mean Girls, The Last Emperor, The Dark Knight.
We love books, too. Who are your favorite authors? What are you reading right now?
Harry Potter - well, up until book 5, at least. I think Stephen King is incredibly talented, but I don't read too many of his books because they scare the crap out of me. (I slept with my windows closed and lights on all summer after reading Salem's Lot). I am - not surprisingly - a fan of historical fiction a la The Boleyn Girl. But my favorite author is JD Robb - trashy murder-mystery-romance novels that always entertain no matter how often I read them.
I read a bunch of nonfiction, particularly about human nature and group dynamics. I know, sounds really depressing. A good one is Stumbling Onto Happiness.
When did you realize you were a hopeless geek?
When I broke up with my (then) boyfriend because he couldn't fix my wireless router.
If you were an animal, what would you be?
A dachshund.
What's your sign?
Virgo, year of the fire dragon. I was destined to be an anal-retentive control freak.
What's in your iPod/MP3 player?
GLEE - of course! Lady Gaga also kicks it. Sometimes I listen to Beethoven.
What's your least favorite chore around the house?
Emptying the dishwasher.
What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Oooh... lychee. Or green tea. This is all, of course, a dream, because I'm asian and lactose intolerant.
Cats or dogs? Elvis or the Beatles? Sam or Dean?
DOGS! Beatles. Who?
Vampire Diaries: Family Ties
“Here’s to history repeating itself.”
Much to my surprise, I find myself really liking this episode upon re-watching. It sets up the rules of the universe, and it does so with some serious tongue-in-cheek. Everything that happens in this episode gets pay-off later in the season.
Star Trek: The Corbomite Maneuver
Spock: "A very interesting game, this poker."
What is the Enterprise's mission? Seek out new life and new civilizations, and boldly go where no one has gone before. Not take over planets, blow stuff up, and screw with the cultures of indigenous peoples.
Wonderfalls: Lovesick Ass
Objects: Barrel Bear, Lovesick Ass
Missions: “Girl needs a boy” and “Girl needs a donut”
With a title like ‘Lovesick Ass,’ it probably isn’t too surprising that this episode is all about romantic relationships. The main mission is to help Katya, a woman recently arrived from Russia to marry a man she met through the internet. After Katya gets stood up, Jaye and Eric help her find her love, Peter, only to discover he’s actually a 12-year-old boy. They then get caught up in the messy business of consoling the jilted Katya and fending off Peter’s interest (first in Katya, then Jaye), all of which forces them to actually address their feelings and the status of their budding relationship. The upswing is that Katya winds up with Peter’s widowed dad, and Eric finally convinces Jaye to give things a chance. Yea!
I really love this episode. The story takes the idea of the Russian mail-order bride and gives it a humorously horrifying twist. The gang’s first encounter with young Peter is just hilarious. “Oh no. I need bigger Peter!” His subsequent persistence in his romantic pursuits was also quite entertaining, especially once he switched his affections to Jaye. “I’m sure he fell in love with you the second you threw him up against that wall.” I was particularly amused by Peter’s repeated attempts to convince Jaye that Eric was some kind of depraved brute and her exasperated refusal to fall for his nonsense. The twist with Katya falling for Peter’s dad after discovering he was the original author of Peter’s love letters was a bit sappy, but I had to laugh when that thread concluded with Sharon ignoring the “don’t come a-knockin’ when the house is a rockin’” rule and awkwardly intruding on Katya and Dick’s impulsive hop into the sack. Poor Sharon. She often seems to end up as “collateral damage” when trying to help Jaye.
Of course, the best parts of the episode were the Jaye and Eric relationship beats. I really loved their moments together, from their discussion about whether Jaye had ever been in love, to their combative and thinly veiled commentary on their own relationship (or lack thereof) while giving advice to Peter, to their final heart-to-heart. Oh, and of course there was that first kiss. Yea again!
I really shared Eric’s complete frustration with Jaye’s resistance not only to him, but to the whole idea of love. “The biggest obstacle to Jaye’s heart is Jaye.” I was mentally screaming “Aargh!!!” when she went completely overboard explaining to Katya that she and Eric weren’t a couple. “No boyfriend. Not boyfriend. Just boy. Just friend. We’re not a couple. There’s no couple.” And again when she wanted Eric to explain to Peter that “getting involved in a relationship is like heaving after bad fish” and that “love is like an open wound.” (Of course, I was also laughing!) It is true that Jaye has her “animals with faces” issues and Eric isn’t really over Heidi, but, darn it, I still really want them to be a couple. I was thrilled when he finally convinced her to take the plunge in spite of their damage. And I loved the reprise of the “why would you want to get involved in something so potentially messy and complicated” line, with the change from “because she makes me sad” to “because you make me happy.” The two of them together makes me happy, too.
Other Thoughts
I really enjoyed the Eric-ogling scene in the teaser. I found myself ogling him, too.
The “lovesick ass” stuffed animal was too cute. The quiver lip after Jaye yelled at it was awesome.
Eric claims that the reason Peter’s letters made Jaye “throw up a little in her mouth” is because she’s never been in love. I completely disagree. I’m happily married and very much in love, and the snippets she read from those letters made me cringe. Gag-inducing treacle is gag-inducing treacle, whether you’ve been in love or not.
Eric’s breakdown and collapse at the Fountain of Love chapel was a hoot and a half. Great facial expressions and body language.
Peter and Dick Johnson? Seriously?
I liked Sharon’s reference to Jaye’s rap sheet when Jaye was asking if Katya could get deported for doing something illegal. Nice continuity.
Quotes
Mahandra (re: Eric’s posterior): “It’s like an apple. You could bounce a quarter off that apple.”
Jaye: “Apples are good for you.”
Mahandra (making kissing noises while pushing Jaye’s animals together): “Your man sweat is like honey mustard glaze on my tongue.”
Monkey: “Inappropriate touching.”
Lion: “This isn’t fun for anybody.”
Jaye: “Smitten and eager are bad. You know what you get with smitten and eager? Romance. Relentless, treacly, manufactured romance. That kind of romance never ends well.”
Katya: ““No sex slave. I come here for love. And some sex, but no slave.”
Peter: “My darling, Katya, I would never have missed our nuptials, except I got grounded.”
Katya: “I send you most intimate photographs.”
Peter: “I know. I made them into my desktop wallpaper.”
[Cue high-pitched screaming.]
Sharon (to Jaye): “I just think it’s funny you moved in with a woman before I did.”
Eric: “Peter, for your own good, don’t go after a woman who isn’t interested. They’ll just make you crazy.”
Peter (to Jaye): “You’re not dressed for an afternoon of Tchaikovsky and heavy petting.”
Jaye (re: Eric): “He doesn’t smoke. He doesn’t hit people. He doesn’t deface synagogues. He doesn’t frequent gay bathhouses.”
Peter: “I have pictures.”
Jaye: “You have photo imaging software!”
Mahandra: “And since when do you need keys to start a car that doesn’t belong to you?”
Jaye: “Oooh. Good point.”
Eric: “Do you want me to kick your ass? Because I can. I can do that, if you’d like.”
Peter: “Um, I’d rather this not spiral into a whole physical thing. So I’ll respectfully decline your offer to kick my ass.”
Eric (to Jaye): “You’re clearly not ready for a relationship. Frankly, I think with you any sort of human interaction is pretty iffy.”
Peter: “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. [Eric’s car catches fire.] Eventually. I may still have issues.”
Final Analysis: ‘Lovesick Ass’ is a fun story that brings Jaye and Eric’s relationship issues to the forefront and finally gets them together, making this episode a big winner in my book.
Doctor Who: The Lodger
Craig: “Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?”
Doctor: “They never really stop.”
A brilliant beginning, an embarrassing middle, and a disappointing ending. But enough of the England game -- what about Doctor Who? (Boom tish!) Tonight's episode was a serviceable, if companion-lite, story about the joys of normal life, the intricacies of making an omelette, and how not to blow up the solar system. At times, it felt a little light on plot -- but, what it lacked in complexity, it more than made up for in humour.
Persons Unknown: The Edge
Safely ensconced in the warm blanky of the second episode, we can now indulge in some actual information. None of it is real information, of course, since Persons Unknown is still shocking and dissembling. But if you haven’t seen the pilot (but plan to), don’t read this review yet. Otherwise, onwards and upwards:
The big spoiler from the first episode that I didn’t want to reveal? It’s that the Chinese restaurant and hotel are staffed. I think that’s just so odd and such an interesting addition to the locked-town mystery story, especially since the night clerk (who bears an uncanny resemblance to Stephen King) and the restaurant workers openly admit that they work for whoever is doing this, but simply won’t give up any more information. That, to me, is the most surreal thing about this show so far.
Last week, we were left with two questions: will Janet kill someone? And, what’s up with the implants? Once they removed the implants, our heroes tried to escape, until they ran into a microwave wall that fried them just enough to be discouraging. They kept banging their heads against the electric wall (in the only funny quote from the night) and trying variations on escaping from it, including torturing Stephen King.
Janet might not have been willing to kill Joe, but Blackham (the used car salesman) and Charlie (Alan Ruck from Ferris Bueller) had no compunction about beating up Stephen King and forcing him toward the fence. He made a break for it and ran home—only to return hours later to greet our heroes after they’d driven in a circle back into town. Time elapsed: just a few hours, right? Then why was he bruise free?
As far as I can tell, there are three possible explanations for Stephen King’s rapid recovery:
1. He went to a V healing center and Joshua, or possibly Anna herself, cured him before sending him back to experiment with the silly humans and their odd emotions. Flaw with this theory: V and Persons Unknown are on different networks.
2. More time elapsed than we, or the heroes, are aware of—they were knocked unconscious by the light. Flaw: that would require that the B-storyline involving the reporting be asynchronous with our heroes’ timeline. Other flaw: Charlie’s face was still burned from the fence, so he didn’t have time to heal even though Stephen King did. Final flaw: even if the heroes were knocked out, wouldn’t they have that awful, my-bra-strap-is-permanently-scarring-my-back feeling if they’d slept in their clothes for a few hours?
3. Blackham and Charlie never really beat the guy up, and it was all makeup. After all, we never saw the beat-down. Flaw: I could believe one of them being in on it, but not both of them. Especially since they seemed to be honestly discussing their options, even when alone together.
Other than that, not much else happened. Someone doesn’t want reporter Renbe to dig any deeper into Janet’s disappearance or her mother’s abusive tendencies. I was really worried that we’d have to watch Janet’s mom beating her granddaughter up, but luckily things don’t seem to have gotten to that point. I hope we don’t have to watch it, if it does. That would make the San Francisco storyline even more unbearable than it already is.
The reason for that storyline is interesting, though: Janet’s abduction is the only one we saw, so hers is the only story that we know is true. We’re still in the dark about her husband, but during Janet’s meltdown in Joe’s room I started to wonder if she was talking to her husband (or her mom)—does she have a sense about who is behind all this, and why? And, hey, did you notice that she was the only one not to scream when the implant was removed?
By the way, the cctv-style shots are everywhere: not just Our Town, but Janet’s mom’s home and the bar where the reporter met the cop. Is a cctv company running this gag? Or is this just a weirdly belated commentary on postmodern voyeurism?
I didn’t enjoy this episode as much as the last one. The surreality was lost, which made the lack of comedy really apparent. I’m not saying I want our heroes to slip on banana peels and crack wise every two seconds. But why can’t one of them exorcise their stress with humor? Oh, well. I’m still interested, mostly because I really like Joe. I hope Joe’s not the bad guy.
What We’ve Learned (Even Though Some of It Definitely Isn’t True):
• Joe calls himself Joe. He believes in God.
• The sergeant was in Iraq and knows lots of stuff that’s useful for a situation like this. His name is Graham McNair, and he’s a Muslim.
• Moira is either a volunteer, a psychiatrist, or a mental patient. She knows enough about medicine to be useful, and enough about butterflies to reveal her real profession of lepidopterist. I think she’s got a thing for Tori, too.
• Tori's dad is the former head of the CIA, and the current ambassador to Italy. She’s got issues, and she either has a thing for Moira or is just one of those lost girls who flirts with anyone. She thinks everything is about her. She also feels hung-over, but that might be a bad reaction to Chinese food.
• Charlie is a cowardly cad with a money obsession, and he’s a Christian.
• Blackham claims to be a used car salesman. He says this is where he learned how to hotwire cars. He doesn’t like Chinese food. I think he’ll be the first to die, which is sad, since he’s the closest thing we have to comic relief.
Two and a half out of four pupae.
True Blood: Bad Blood
Arlene: "I'm sorry you fell in love with a serial killer, all right? But honestly, who here hasn't?"
Definitely fast-moving and fun to watch, and I wasn't bored for a moment. In fact, there was so much going on that I almost couldn't track it. Maybe I should watch the episode a few more times, paying close attention to a couple of scenes in particular. Was there a lot of male nudity in this episode, or what?
Stargate Universe: Incursion, Part 2
‘Incursion’ was a fairly absorbing two-part episode. It feels like so much has happened in the last two weeks, although I’m not sure if a whole lot actually has. We had a major invasion last week and some pretty riveting action near the end of this week, but other than that it was mostly negotiation, threats, trading supplies and hostages, standing at the ends of long corridors, opening and closing a lot of doors, and periodic power outages. Is that really a lot of action? Perhaps after a season spent largely on slower, introspective, character-focused stories, two hours of primarily plot-driven material were bound to feel intense and action-packed in comparison. Maybe it was all the running at the very end, or the fairly dramatic change in the power structure. Perhaps it was just that so much happened in those last ten minutes that it made the whole two-parter feel a lot more gripping.
Star Trek: Dagger of the Mind
McCoy: "It's hard to believe that a man could die of loneliness."
Kirk: "Not when you've sat in that room."
The future we see in Star Trek is idealized, a best possible, where human beings are nearly as good as we can be. That's the main reason why it appealed so strongly to so many fans over the years. I like that it included the humane, medical treatment of prisoners, because it makes sense. "Clean, decent hospitals for sick minds," indeed.
Wonderfalls: Barrel Bear
Objects: Barrel Bear, Mounted Fish
Missions: “Give it back to her” and “It’s never too late”
‘Barrel Bear’ puts the spotlight on Niagara Falls with a very enjoyable episode about the first American woman to go over the falls in a barrel --- and live. When the adventures begin, Jaye believes she’s been tasked with returning former local star, Millie Marcus, to life in the public eye. After several failed attempts, Jaye learns that Millie’s claim to fame is a big fat lie, and that Vivien Caldwell was actually the first American woman to survive a barrel ride over the falls. After reaching the bottom of the falls, a dazed and bruised Vivien was pulled from the barrel and replaced by Millie, because their manager believed that the beautiful and vivacious Millie would be a better attraction on the worldwide press tour than Plain Jane Vivien. Jaye’s real mission is to give Vivien back the life that Millie stole from her.
The only problem is that a crazed and drunken Mahandra is hell bent on preserving history as she knows it and sticking it to Jaye. She and a befuddled Eric help Millie steal the barrel Vivien rode in, and then attempt to protect Niagara’s legacy by having Millie actually go over the falls. But once Millie gets an eyeful of the “hundred and seventy feet straight down over razor sharp rock,” she realizes that she never could have done what Vivien did, and tries to make things right with her. Unfortunately, Millie dies while telling Vivien it’s never too late; but in a final ironic twist Vivien ends up going on a “Back in the Barrel” tour posing as Millie --- now effectively living the life that was stolen from her, but only by continuing Millie’s lies.
‘Barrel Bear’ was a highly amusing episode. I thought it was awesome that they built such a convoluted story around the history of the show’s setting. What really made the episode sing were the brilliant turns by Rue McClanahan and Louise Fletcher as Millie and Vivien. Who wouldn’t want to watch Blanche Devereaux and Nurse Ratched throw down in all their bitter, bitchy glory? Every scene those two had together lit up the screen. I particularly loved their first confrontation at the Barrel, which featured Millie’s transformation from smiling, harmless publicity hound to vile, evil bitch, and was chock full of delightfully nasty zingers.
Vivien: “You’ve got some ovum coming back here.”
Vivien: “You probably thought I was dead. Hell, I prayed you were.”
Vivien: “You made a career out of what I did!”
Millie: “Just exactly what did you do? You fell down. That took gravity, not skill.”
Millie: “Don’t worry about Vivien. She rants and she raves. Everybody thinks she’s crazy.”
Jaye: “But she’s not crazy!”
Millie: “Well she is if she thinks people want the version of the story with the chunky girl going over the falls.”
Millie: “Oh, face it, Vivien. Nobody’s gonna pay to see you. Not outside of a barrel anyway.”
I also really liked how the tale of Millie and Vivien brought several ongoing issues with our main characters to the fore. Jaye was forced to own up to the fact that she’s a bit stuck in life, and was also faced with the effect her missions are having on her friendship with Mahandra. Neither issue was really resolved, but at least both were acknowledged out loud. Jaye now understands that her uncharacteristic “random acts of kindness” are making Mahandra feel sad and crazy because Jaye won’t share what she’s going through with her best friend. It was good to see her finally open up about the “animals with faces that aren’t really alive [that] talk to me and tell me to do things,” even if Mahandra didn’t believe her. Maybe the next time she will.
Meanwhile, Eric got to struggle some more with the dissolution of his marriage and his old life. He starts the episode claiming to be New Eric, not “some guy named Eric who came to Niagara Falls on his honeymoon and caught his wife with the bellman.” He says he’s ready to move on, and gets all flirty with Jaye, but then can’t bring himself to delete a message left by his cheating wife. However, after being caught up in Millie’s deranged efforts to preserve her image, Eric finally concludes that “what’s most important in life is to be yourself. Even if you have to be somebody else to do it.” So with a dramatic slow-motion toss, Now Eric bids “goodbye to the old life” and Then Eric. I don’t think he’s really unloaded all his baggage --- he won’t be able to do that until he confronts Heidi about her betrayal --- but, in the meantime, it is nice to see him take baby steps towards a possible future relationship with Jaye.
Other Thoughts
I really loved the flashbacks. The visual style was very nifty, and the girls they got to play the young versions of Vivien and Millie bore a striking resemblance to Rue and Louise. The morphs from young to old were quite effective.
Karen firmly nixing the Niagara Falls book idea with an icy smile was a hoot. “We’re not talking about that anymore. There is no book. Thank you.”
I was also really entertained by Darrin and Sharon’s public service organization, Concerned Ladies of America West. “We’ve been promoting achievement and morality in family life and public policy since --- what --- since you were 16?” The “claw” hand gesture they both made when talking about it was hilarious.
Vivien’s emotional distress at the funeral for “Vivien” was really funny. “Gone too soon. Too soon!”
I loved that they put Millie’s ashes in one of those toy barrels so that she could finally go over the falls in a barrel for real. “And so history is preserved.” “And a legend continues.” Clever. (And Jaye getting a fine for it was icing on the cake.)
Quotes
Jaye: “How does going over Niagara Falls in a barrel make anyone famous?”
Mahandra: “Because it’s Niagara Falls. Where is your hometown pride? You really are like a hobbit that hates the Shire.”
Mahandra: “My dad’s been telling me about you all my life. He’s the guy who fishes corpses out of the river.”
Mahandra: “This is so sad. This is sadder than that hooker we saw getting beat up by that other hooker.”
Alec: “At least a hooker fight would draw a crowd.”
Eric (to Millie): “Wow. That’s impressive. You made ruining that poor woman’s life actually sound kind of noble.”
Eric: “It is sort of the quintessential American tale.”
Mahandra: “Yes exactly. It teaches us there’s nothing a person can’t do.”
Eric: “Or nothing a person actually has to do. I mean, look at her. She’s one hundred percent fabrication. She decided what she wanted to be and damn the facts. You don’t get much more American than that.”
Jaye (to Vivien): “But just because she biddy-slapped you, doesn’t mean you have to quit.”
Mahandra: “Oh you’d love that wouldn’t you? You’d love it if I just stepped aside and allowed you to destroy one life after another with your truth-covered lies!”
Eric: “Do you have to video tape this? You could be recording evidence.”
Mahandra: “Recording history.”
Eric: “History that’s admissible in court.”
Jaye: “I have a worthless philosophy degree that’s gotten me no further than a dead end retail job working for a mouth breather, so I can continue to support my trailer park lifestyle. You think I sit around feeling sorry for myself?”
Vivien: “God, I would if I were you.”
Millie: “[to herself] I am a bitch. My god, I’m such a bitch. Oh, am I ever a bitch. [to Jaye and Vivien] I’m a bitch.”
Vivien: “So now I know what it’s like to be Millie.”
Eric: “Because you’re wearing her clothes?”
Vivien: “Because I feel like fraud.”
Jaye: “Yeah. One of life’s little ironies is that you have to continue Millie’s lies so you can finally tell the truth.”
Final Analysis: ‘Barrel Bear’ is an exceedingly enjoyable episode that focuses on Niagara Falls and gives us a twisty and riotous “geriatric war” between two fabulous actresses. As an added bonus, the episode delivers some solid character development for Jaye, Mahandra, and Eric. An all-around good time!
The Passage by Justin Cronin
“When daybreak found him he would be no more.”
The Passage has a lot to live up to. Author Justin Cronin, who has written two other novels that no one has read, received a mammoth advance for this vampire-apocalypse novel. He signed a movie deal that guaranteed he’ll be able to afford college and grad school for his kids. Oh, yeah: this 766-page doorstop? It’s just the first in a trilogy. The Passage has gotten decent reviews, some better than others, and has garnered more than a few comparisons to Stephen King’s The Stand. But none of that information answers the one question that matters: should you read it?
Those amateurs out there—the ones who read “serious” literature nine months out of the year, and save genre fiction for their beach reading—well, they seem to think so. According to them, this is a literary thriller, a horror novel with high-brow credentials, a book you don’t need to be ashamed to read and enjoy.
And it is a good read, but it’s not a great one. It’s not that the book is only mediocre, or rates a 5 out of 10: rather, parts of it are masterful examples of an extremely skilled author crafting complex characters who change in believable ways and exist in a beautifully limned world. But parts of it plod like a dehydrated mule in Death Valley.
Cronin came up with the plot with a little assistance: he and his then-eight-year-old daughter were playing “let’s make up a story,” and a vampire trilogy emerged. No surprise, then, that the star of the show, for a large portion of the book, is a girl of impressive gravitas and a set of confusing superpowers. This young heroine has the misfortune of becoming a pawn in a government experiment to discover eternal life, or supersoldiers, or something that only the government could come up with. The result? Vampires take over the world and wipe out most of humanity. (I haven’t spoiled anything that isn’t described, confusingly, on the dust jacket.)
The first 246 pages are phenomenal. Then there’s a 200 page dry patch. And then a fast-paced section. And so on. The last paragraph guarantees that I’ll be first in line to buy the sequel.
It’s difficult to say too much, because the first 246 pages are really a book of their own, and to tell you what happens beyond them feels like giving away the ending, as well as giving away a few surprises. But that first section is the best: Cronin’s greatest skill is in the way he crafts characters who don’t quite fit into the life they've made for themselves, and who gradually try to find ways out of their situation. I never thought I would like Special Agent Brad Wolgast, because he’s introduced as a spiteful, petty, and mean-spirited man with a tiny soul:
“Special Agent Brad Wolgast hated Texas. He hated everything about it. He hated the weather, which was hot as an oven one minute and freezing the next, the air so damp it felt like a wet towel over your head. He hated the look of the place…he hated the billboards and the freeways and the faceless subdivisions and the Texas flag…he hated the giant pickup trucks…Most of all, he hated it because his parents had made him live here, back in junior high.”
When we meet Wolgast, we meet all of his pent-up rage, which spews out of the narrative in a free-form list of hatred and infects our understanding of him just as much as his hatred of Texas affects his ability to just live his darn life already. A hundred pages later, we feel his every longing and despair and the possibilities of hope that seem always out of his reach, and we mourn. That’s incredible: Cronin makes us hate someone who hates himself and his world, and gradually unfolds his character to reveal a pathos that makes him a tragic hero.
But Wolgast is Cronin’s greatest creation. Although their world is precisely detailed, the characters who people the last two-thirds of the book feel more roughly drawn: Alicia is hard-nosed and resistant to love; Peter has an inferiority complex; Michael is good at fixing things. These people—all younger than Wolgast, and younger than Cronin himself—aren’t full the way Wolgast is, perhaps because they inhabit a sparser landscape. Cronin gets modern middle-aged angst, but I’m not sure he’s mastered existential angst yet.
Those sketched-in characters and their world is the plottiest part of the book, and I wonder if Cronin’s difficulty in balancing story vs. characterization isn’t indicative of the genre-centric goals of the novel and his high-brow roots. It’s not easy to balance great writing and great plotting, which makes the last third of the book into something of a picaresque novel: our heroes jump from place to place, the scope of their experience ever-widening. But they don’t seem to gain much from this exposure; they see more, but they don’t seem to see the world with new eyes.
We can almost think of this as a cinematic pan-out: first, an in-depth treatment of the state of one man’s soul; then a plucky band of people; then a region; then a country (and don’t get your ten-gallons in a twist, Longhorns: Texas gets the lone-star treatment later in the novel). As the scope widens, it loses clarity of detail. There’s one section in which three different characters think, in a limited-omniscient-narrator sort of way, that they are being led by one another. Who thinks this about whom, and why, and what it means for their journey—it’s never addressed, and never made relevant. Those types of omissions make their thoughts seem like character-filler, put in to avoid the play-by-play feel of a traditional trashy thriller. Also, Cronin is remarkably bad at clarifying the layout of the places he describes.
Perhaps to maintain his literary street-cred, Cronin peppers the novel with allusions: The Sound and the Fury, King Lear, The Road, The Twilight Zone, The Velveteen Rabbit, The Stand, The Dark Tower, 'Salem’s Lot, Lord of the Flies: the list could go on for years. Obviously, Cronin owes a great debt to Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and he pays off much of that debt by interspersing emails, diary entries, legal documents, even film clips in homage to Stoker’s fixation on media of communication.
Elizabeth Kostova similarly played with alternating narrators in The Historian, the last great vampire novel that had the literary demimonde in a hullabaloo. She did it to greater effect there, slowly teasing out character and family relationships, even though some of the trick and turns of her plot were a little hackneyed (and visible from a mile off on a cloudy day). Cronin’s inserted documents, though, often just function as convenient summary; occasionally, they’re part of a world-building that’s a little too-well blueprinted.
And, above all, we can’t lose sight of the nesting-doll pun of the book’s title. It is a book of journeys, of tunnels, of transitions, and of passages from other texts. It’s also a book that explicitly compares the heroine to Noah’s ark: she is the medium, whereas other people are the message. There’s a 15-page paper there for some enterprising undergraduate to write: the role of male narrators, female characters, and the objectification of literary artifacts. Kids, the topic is yours for the taking.
Despite those caveats, I would recommend this book. It’s hefty, it tells a decent story, and it tells it decently well. It’s not life-shattering for those of us familiar with genre shows or genre books, nor is it the most beautiful work of glistening prose that I’ve read this year. But it’s a solid entry into the vampire playbook, and I’ve got high hopes for the sequel.
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