Vampire Diaries: The Descent

“You’re my existential crisis.”

This is what I said in my last review: “I like Rose, and I like her vampires-with-benefits relationship with Damon. But to kill off a character whose departure I’d thought was already a foregone conclusion doesn’t seem like the riskiest writerly choice. Will her death send Damon on a mission of werewolf vengeance? That could be neat.” Now that I’ve seen how deeply Rose’s death affected Damon, I feel like a heartless bitch.

Chuck: Chuck versus the Gobbler

“I love a good suicide mission.”

I’ve written elsewhere about how little I like the proleptic cold open in which we see the inexplicable—Dark Sarah beating up Casey!—and then rewind to find out how on God’s green and verdant earth such a thing could have happened. It’s a device designed to ratchet up the tension, which often means that the plot, in chronological order, wouldn’t be too scintillating without some narrative trickery. And, indeed, this week’s entry felt blah, and I didn’t laugh once.

I know that Chuck isn’t about deftly plotted spy games—it’s not a John Le Carré novel, and I don’t expect it to be. So I won’t address the questions of how Sarah managed to pull off enough wacky Euro-heists to make her way to Volkoff in just a couple of days, or how in the two days the show gave her, she managed to fly from LA to Moscow and back approximately three bazillion times without looking remotely dehydrated or sniffly.

But I will mention the illogic of Volkoff having a network of information called Hydra that exists in only one place, a fake eyeball hidden inside an imprisoned cannibal. This network is vital to his organization, but he has been without it since the Gobbler was imprisoned, and does not seem to have told his “right hand” Mama B about it until just now.

I will also mention the illogic of Sarah needing Chuck, Morgan, and Casey to help her with the Great Gobbler Escape. We know from past episodes that there are, in fact, many other CIA agents out there—why not use some of them? The miniscule staging of most of this episode has me worried: it was something I started noticing in the middle of Season Three of Heroes, in which it seemed like the heroes were the only people in the world, often without even extras in the background to add depth. I started to feel like it showed some desperation on the part of the writers, that they were unwilling to develop plots logically for fear that logic would take our attention away from the awesome centrality of our characters to the continued existence of the universe.

But most of all, I will mention the emotional illogic. Sarah has a history of running from commitment—we know that. But Chuck doesn’t mind that, at a vital moment in their relationship, she chose to accept a mission that her predecessor (Mama B) has been working on for about 20 years. Such an emotionally nuanced and long-simmering problem is simply not on the table. Instead, this episode hands us a new emotional tension on a platter: will Sarah go dark? That’s not a real risk, though, which is why the proleptic opening didn’t create actual tension. It just asserted it.

The structure of many Chuck episodes can be explained in terms of Chuck’s kung fu flashes: whenever he’s about to fight, he has to re-access his kung-fu knowledge bank. He doesn’t really carry that information around and accessible (the way I have my address memorized); he has to look it up every time (the way I can’t ever remember my mother’s address). On a larger scale, each episode of this season has to re-access the emotional drama by creating a new “problem” for the characters to overcome. Because most of these problems are solvable in 45 minutes (although this one might take another episode), they don’t feel real or lasting or important. They feel fluffy, like perpetual deferment.

There was some good in this episode, though: I thought the Grönka thing was rather funny, although it might have gone on too long. I absolutely love Timothy Dalton vamping his way through his evil, evil, evil role, and even thought the arbitrary accent switching added some nice color.

Most of all, though, I’m touched by Casey’s sacrifice. He’s not the type to tell someone he loves them. He’s the type to build shelves of love, and I hope his daughter understands that. I also really, really hope that Casey is okay. Many people have been alluding to 4.13 (the next episode) as something hugely important, but I’ve worked pretty hard to remain unspoiled. If he dies I’ll be horribly sad.

I haven’t lost all of my faith in Chuck. But it’s not the highlight of my week. It’s not even the highlight of my Monday.

Bytes:

• Chuck: “The CIA developed a tonal language for us that only we can understand….Right now, [Sarah] is saying she loves me. Or, she’s planning on buying a Buick. I can’t tell. It’s a very confusing language.”

• Mama B: “There’s one square meter of land in this entire compound that isn’t under surveillance.”

• Morgan: “Wow, Sarah, you look evocative.”


And Pieces:

• Volkoff painting a puppy. Aww.

• I think Sarah has lost weight. She’s lovely either way, of course, but I liked her better with a few more curves.

• The Armenian serial killer joke might not have been funny to the rest of America, but in the context of Burbank’s large Armenian population, it’s actually quite appropriate.

Thank you all for your patience with this review. I got the flu this week, and whenever I sat down to start writing I wound up falling asleep and having terrible fever dreams. Away, elephant, away with you!

One out of four Grönkas.

Misfits: Episode Four (War, What is it Good For?)

Ollie: “Has anyone got one of these weird powers?”

Ollie didn't last long. No sooner had we learned of his ability to teleport (and marvelled at his cool sandals), and he was dead. I half expected Curtis to turn back time and save him. But not this time. Dead is dead. Which is a pity because I liked Ollie. It's just a shame he was never anything more than an organ donor. At least Nikki's got her new heart. Unfortunately, she's also inherited Ollie's terrible superpower: the ability to teleport just a few feet. I guess you take the rough with the smooth.

The “man stuck in game” plot felt a little bland, but it was by no means throwaway. If Tim hadn't shot Ollie, then Nikki would've died. Which is presumably why Superhoodie didn't intervene. Ollie's death happened exactly on schedule. Why Superhoodie would favour Nikki's life over Ollie's, I'm not altogether sure. Will Nikki surviving have future implications? Does she still have a part to play in the bigger picture? It's not as though she had a meaningful role in Alisha's rescue. She just teleported in and was instantly captured. She didn't help their cause one jot.

And why wouldn't Superhoodie let Alisha phone for an ambulance? Why was his death so important? His objective was to save Alisha; not to go on some suicide mission. Unless he had no way of returning to his own time. Is that why he asked Alisha to burn his body? Has he always known this is how it would end?

The Las Vegas photo showed Superhoodie and Alisha together. So in the future, Alisha is alive. She was never shot. So what caused gun-toting Tim to appear in the present? Has Curtis' time travelling knocked events off kilter? Has the butterfly effect somehow screwed everything up? And how did Superhoodie travel back through time in the first place? His abilities are clearly more advanced than Curtis'. Yet, time travel isn't his superpower. Invisibility is. Did someone send him back? Or does he develop the ability to time travel at a later date?

In other news, Curtis and Alisha are now history -- which means Curtis is free to see Nikki. In a perfect world, that would leave Alisha free to see Superhoodie. Only Superhoodie's dead. All Alisha has is her grief; and because of her promise, she has to endure it alone. I found Superhoodie's reluctance to let Alisha go quite moving. He knew his life was almost over. Little did Alisha know that the next time she'd see him it would be to watch him die.

Which leaves Alisha still trying to work out the enigma that is Simon. Despite being ontologically identical to Superhoodie, he has a long way to go before becoming the man she fell in love with. It's heartbreaking the way she smiles at him. You can see she wants to make that connection. But Simon can't respond. They've not been together yet. He doesn't know her. And Alisha can't tell him all they've been through. The times they've shared. What they mean to each other.

True to form, Nathan provided the light relief amidst the doom and gloom. His escape attempt was woefully comical. Watching him trying to somersault out of his bonds had me in stitches. In the end, he did the selfless thing. He sacrificed himself so that Alisha could escape. I'm not sure how you come back from dismemberment. Shame we didn't get to find out. But, all in all, it was a terrible rescue attempt. Nothing went right. Even Nikki teleporting in from nowhere didn't help. Without Superhoodie's sacrifice they'd all be dead. Which pretty much sums them up. A bit crap.

With Superhoodie gone, I dread to think what will become of the ASBO five. Will they make it to the end of the season unscathed?

Bits and Pieces:

-- At least now we know why Nikki had a scar in Curtis' flash forward. She's had a heart transplant.

-- Now Alisha has the keys to the base she presumably has access to all of Superhoodie's future newscasts. I wonder what she'll find there.

-- I loved Nathan's slowness at the significance of washing Shaun's car. He was embarrassingly sluggish on the uptake. It wasn't until he was actually sat in the car that the penny finally dropped.

-- I liked Nathan making fun of the fact that none of them (except, I guess, Simon) can control their powers. Which makes them all essentially useless.

-- Kelly would have looked lovely in that dress; if not for the gash across her face and the blood.

-- Nikki appears to be able to teleport to whoever she's thinking about. She also appears to be able to travel further than Ollie.

Quotes:

Nathan: “Better him than me.”
Simon: “You're immortal.”
Nathan: “Better him than one of you.”

Kelly: “Let me go, you dick.”

Tim: “Put it on!”
Kelly: “You can shove that up your arse.”

Nathan: “A bunch of young offenders develop superpowers and not one of us thinks of using them to commit crime? Shame on us!”

Simon: “I thought we'd use our powers to help people.”
Nathan: “Nah!”

Nathan: “See, that's why I don't play computer games. Because they never bloody end!”

Kelly: “Brilliant fucking rescue”.
Nathan: ”No chance of a rewind then?”

Alisha: “I won't let you die.”
Simon: “You have to, or I'll never be this person.”

Alisha: “I don't love him. I love you.”
Simon: “You falling in love with him, that makes him become me.”

Being Human: Lia

Annie: “You saved me.”
Mitchell: “You saved me, too.”

A solid season opener. Apart from the gang moving to Barry Island (what’s occurin’?), it was pretty much business as usual. Annie’s still in purgatory, Mitchell's still a brooding hunk of... whatever, and George and Nina are still in love. Tonight they even ended up doing it doggie-style during their time of the month. Nasty! But Being Human does seem to have rediscovered its mojo. After the comparative darkness of season two, tonight's episode felt like a return to form. After the relative success of Being Human US, I'd forgotten how good this show can be.

Whilst reviewing the first episode of season two I did ponder what might happen should George and Nina meet in their wolf states. Would they rip each other apart? Or would George recognise Nina, as he did in the season one finale? Well, now we know. They’d screw each other’s brains out. Fairly obvious, I suppose. The George and Nina scenes were a welcome respite from the relative gloom of Mitchell's storyline. Nina trying to free George from jail whilst coping with the pangs of transformation was sublimely amusing -- as was the physical comedy of the bedroom scene. Nice outfit, Nina. (Which is an polite way of saying “phwoar!”)

To get Annie out of purgatory, all Mitchell had to do was face up to his past. Enter Lia, played by lovely ex-Eastender, Lacey Turner. I guessed early on that she'd turn out to be one of Mitchell's victims. I just wasn’t expecting something as recent as the train incident. (H12 was her seat number, right?) Mitchell coming face to face with his mangled victims was like something out of An American Werewolf in London (except less amusing.) The purgatory scenes nicely documented Mitchell's incremental fall into debauchery and murder. It's amazing what you can achieve on such small budget. Purgatory looked like the inside of a dole office.

But who is Lia really? She told Annie that something terrible had happened to her. Was that a reference to the train incident? Or is there something else going on? She seemed so cold towards Annie. Now Mitchell's owned up to his past horrors and apologised, what's keeping her in purgatory? Why hasn't she moved on? And who gave her the purgatory gig in the first place? She said something to Annie about them playing the long game. But who are they? It's almost as if some malign influence has taken over purgatory. Why would anyone think Annie was deserving of Hell? What did she ever do that was so terrible? She's an absolute pussy cat. It makes no sense.

In the beginning, Mitchell was a victim. But something happened along the way. He became hard. He stopped caring. Worse still, he started to revel in the lack of constraints and effortless slaughter his new lifestyle afforded. He began to kill with impunity. He stopped being the victim and became the victimiser. It's difficult to comprehend fully the culpability of someone in Mitchell's situation. Sure, he's done terrible things. But he has a condition. I accept that he has a human conscience. But in the same way mental illness mitigates (at least to some degree) a multitude of crimes, shouldn't Mitchell similarly be shown at least some leniency?

In the end, Annie's freedom came at a price. The time of Mitchell's death has been set. He's become a pawn in someone else's game. The question is: what's the game and who are the players? Mitchell is destined to be killed by a werewolf. So far there are four obvious candidates: Mad Dog MacNair, George (please, not him), Nina (or her) and Thomas. Will dead mean dead? Or will it mean Herrick dead. Or maybe Annie dead?

And, do my eyes deceive me, or are Mitchell and Annie about to dip their respective toes into coupledom? I definitely detected a sultry glance (or two) from Annie -- and those hugs seemed to go on just a little too long. Which kind of works. Except, of course, Mitchell's bound to screw up. He has too many skeletons in his closet to just settle down. And after the shitstorm Annie's been through between seasons, I'm not looking forwards to the what must surely be the disappointment of Mitchell's inevitable betrayal.

George's tears at Annie and Mitchell's return totally set me off. That was such a well filmed/acted/written scene. I filled up instantly on seeing Annie's tea pot spout. (Not a euphemism). Kudos, too, to seasoned blubber Russell Tovey, for pulling off the reunion with such subtlety. His face on seeing Mitchell stood in the doorway was just so moving; as was Annie taking George's face in her hands and wiping away his tears. I loved their enthusiasm at showing Annie around the new house. Nina's gift of a new tea pot. Them dancing in front of the Hawaiian beach painting. What a shame their happiness won't last.

Other Thoughts:

Paul Kaye was an unexpected casting surprise. Unfortunately, he hammed it up something rotten. He looked like a cross between Spike (from Buffy) and Keith Flint from the Prodigy. I must confess, I wasn't overly fond of the cage scenes. They seemed a little too over the top. Why didn't Jameson just stab MacNair while he was transforming? Why does nobody ever do the obvious thing? Still, at least Vincent's dead. I'm guessing Jameson won't be making a hirsute return any time soon, either. There wasn't a great deal left of him.

Robson Green I actually did like. I wasn't expecting to. I was never a fan of Soldier Soldier, and his singing career with Jerome Flynn was atrocious. So I was none too jazzed to hear he’d been cast. But there was none of the usual cheeky Geordie chappie about MacNair. I didn't find the fight scenes particularly convincing. Even clever editing couldn't rescue those. But I do like Mad Dog. I also like the father/son werewolf pairing. It looks as though George and Nina are going to have some furry play-pals soon. Let's just hope Mad Dog doesn't sing.

Bits and Pieces:

-- No signs of Herrick yet. But it’s still early days.

-- What was Rhys doing out dogging? He’s obviously taking advantage of Gwen being in America. Isn't he supposed to be there, too?

-- George seemed almost reluctant to save Annie. Was he simply afraid of losing Mitchell as well?

-- Michael Socha looks so much like Lauren Socha (Misfits) it's uncanny. His accent is less pronounced, but you can still hear it.

-- Another gratuitous arse shot of Tovey. And a topless shot of Nina. Were those tits real or fake? Answers on a postcard please.

-- How comes Thomas had a chicken on a string? Did he know Tully as well?

-- Spit spot? It's Mary Poppins!

Quotes:

George: “Feel the burn. Who’s your daddy? Say what you see.”

Vincent: "Stake and chips, anyone?'

George: “It’s our friend Annie. She’s in Midsomer Murders.”

George: "What are you doing? Why have you got a chicken on a string?"

Annie: "Where are we? This isn't Bristol."
Mitchell: "No, that's the other thing, we sort of moved to Wales."
Annie: "Oh, I wanna go back."
Mitchell: "To Bristol?"
Annie: "No, to purgatory."

George: “We can’t wait to start our Hawaiian dream.”

Annie: "Humanity isn't an species, it's a state of mind. It can't be defeated. It moves mountains, it saves souls. We were blessed as much as we were cursed."

Annie: "In this little enclave of the lost, I witnessed the very best of being human. We were safe here. While outside, the monsters prowled."

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Being Human: There Goes the Neighborhood (2)

Josh: "What's the point of any of this? Of playing house, of drinking beers, of joining Costco, if you're just going to kill all of our friends?"

Much of this one was a rehash of BH/UK. I want new stuff, but it's probably too soon. At least the house isn't pink. I rather like the house. And I love Sam Witwer and Mark Pellegrino. I rather like Sam Huntington. Not sure about Meghan Rath.

This week we got gory flashbacks to each of our three as humans becoming supernatural: the Civil War for Aidan, an attack of some sort for Josh, a fall down the stairs for Sally. And all three tried unsuccessfully to connect to a human being, too: Aidan with the idiotic Kara, Josh with his sister Emily, Sally with her fiance Danny. The results included death, as well as exploding plumbing. At least Emily and her honey are still intact.

Aidan rescued Josh from killing his sister. Josh rescued Aidan from killing Kara, except Rebecca got her, anyway. Biting Rebecca is turning out to be a huge mistake, since she's ready to go eat her entire family, including the babies. (How very Angel. They taste just like chicken.) Bishop is using her to push Aidan into coming back into the vampire fold at Sapp & Sons. How often does this happen? Are there a lot of Karas and Rebeccas out there for Aidan, or was Rebecca an isolated incident? Bishop just exudes menace with a sexual flavor. Is he in love with Aidan? Does he hate him? Want to control him? All of the above? Whatever it is, it works.

I gotta say I like the softer side of Aidan. Since vampires appear to have nothing but disdain for the fuzzy ones, Aidan's affection for Josh says a lot about him. Aidan also said nice things about Sally while she was listening on the stairs ("nice echo") and kept taking her side when Josh was freaking. Actually, I like how Aidan likes Sally more than I like Sally, because she's still not doing it for me. While Aidan and Josh feel different than Mitchell and George, I keep feeling like Sally is an inferior knock-off of Annie. It's probably worsened by them giving her much the same outfit. When is she going to start making tea?

Bits and pieces:

-- Kara just got killed because she asked Aidan out for a drink. A drink. Joke.

-- Sally's relationship with her fiance seemed pretty darned perfect. Boring.

-- Should have mentioned this last week, but the creators/executive producers of this series are Jeremy Carver and Anna Fricke. Jeremy Carver wrote some of the best Supernatural scripts ever.

-- Should also have mentioned last week that Aidan has a tatt over his left breast with the name "Colette." Or does Sam Witwer?

-- Josh had a fiance named Julia. Bet we'll meet her at some point.

-- Sally: "Danny's pretty open. He voted for Hillary."

I've committed to reviewing the pilot, and since it was in two parts, I did two reviews. I'm definitely going to keep watching, but unless next week's blows me away, I'm not planning to keep reviewing. At least for now. Anyone for feedback?

Three out of four votes for Hillary,

Billie

Star Trek: The Deadly Years

Kirk: "Tell me. Am I getting old?"

This episode was innovative when it first aired, and fortunately, it has aged well. (Pun very much intended.) The extreme make-up effects still work, and the cast did a fine job turning into grumpy old men.

Misfits: Episode Three (Like a Lilo Losing Air)

Superhoodie: “It's going to be all right. I should know. I'm from the future.”

Tonight's was an event filled episode. Nathan turned gay and fell in love with Simon. Curtis got stabbed with a knife made from ink. Simon almost choked to death. Kelly fell in love with Vince the tattoo artist. Alisha fell in love with Superhoodie. It was hard to keep track at times. Alisha and Curtis' relationship also looks to be on the rocks. Presumably, this will free Curtis up to start seeing Nikki. Which means Curtis' flash forward could come true sooner than we thought.

Tonight, Alisha deliberately put herself in danger to lure Superhoodie out of the shadows. A risky manoeuvre. Luckily, it worked. Who would have thought that Superhoodie would turn out to be Simon? I did not see that coming. Out of all the Misfits, why Simon? He's the least cool member of the gang. Which, of course, makes him the perfect choice. It also explains why he wears a mask. Simon catching sight of his future self would cause all manner of complications. Yet, our Simon and Superhoodie, are as different as can be. Simon's awkward, withdrawn and socially inept. Superhoodie's full of confidence. A man of action. Self assured. Agile. I dare say he's even quite sexy. (If you're into that sort of thing).

Alisha and Simon being together, up until this week, would have been unthinkable. They're just too different. Alisha's the beautiful, fun loving, party girl. Simon the introverted, social outcast. Yet there was a definite shift in Alisha's worldview tonight. Simon calling her beautiful shook her to her core. Would it have had the same effect had she not just met his heroic future self? I'm guessing not. She did, after all, balk when Simon tried to ask her out just two episodes ago. But Alisha's perception of Simon is now radically different. He's essentially a changed man. Or will be.

I love seeing Alisha like this. Her confidence is gone. She has no idea what she's doing. Yet, her passion for Simon has undoubtedly been kindled. How can it not? It's a foregone conclusion she'll fall in love with him. She already has. Them having sex must surely spell the end of her relationship with Curtis. Curtis said all the wrong things, tonight. Blaming Alisha for their inability to have sex was definitely not cool. By contrast, Superhoodie was able to reassure Alisha that nothing was her fault. None of them asked for their powers. They were all victims.

Simon can also touch Alisha. How, I have no idea. Him saying that things are different in the future, really didn't tell us anything. But they certainly took advantage of the situation. That was some steamy sex they had. Steamier than Nathan and Kelly's attempts at copulation, anyway. God, that was awkward. Props to Lauren Socha for playing an absolute blinder. She looked as sick as a chip. Another knock back for Nathan.

And not just from Kelly. His attempted seduction and rejection by Simon was a second kick in the teeth. The love letter. The dancing to "Careless Whisper". The non-stop sniffing of Simon's hair. That long, angsty conversation he had with Kelly, in which he confessed undying love for Simon. Magnificently acted by Robert Sheehan. I laughed out loud when he threw himself in front of Simon in an attempt to protect him. Maybe he's not the Renee to Simon's Tom after all. That was quite courageous. For Nathan, anyway.

At least now we know what the clocks are for. Superhoodie's tracking events in time. His mission: to stop Alisha from dying. Presumably he's attempting to rewrite the time-line leading up to Alisha's death. Without Superhoodie, the Misfits would already be seriously depleted; if not extinct. Clearly he needs them. But, for what? What's on the horizon that's going to require the intervention of the ASBO Five?

Bits and Pieces:

-- We learned this week that Nikki has a heart problem. A fairly serious one, by the looks of things.

-- The whole peanut resolve was mental. What were the chances of that one peanut going into Vince's mouth?

-- I'm not sure adrenaline needs to be administered directly into the heart for a peanut allergy. Isn't that just when the heart stops?

-- Simon's about to lose his virginity. I wonder who to? I'm guessing it won't be Nathan.

-- No wonder Simon was so good in bed. He's been having sex with Alisha for some time. Hence him managing to press all the right buttons.

-- If Superhoodie's VT is accurate, those with superpowers will go public at some point in the future. How far in the future, I wonder?

Quotes:

Nathan: "I'm not saying you're ugly... you've looked in a mirror.”

Nikki: “You tell your little friend he owes me a new mattress. He wiped his arse on my pyjamas.”
Curtis: “Yeah, that's the kind of thing he does. He's not right in the head.”

Nathan: "You don't know how much I've always wanted to do that. Feel my heart. It's racing. It's okay, it's okay. I'll be gentle."

Nathan: "It's okay, we don't have to go all the way. We can just cuddle."

Nathan: "I was staring into those big beautiful eyes. He's like a handsome shark."

Nathan: “I've never felt like this about anyone. He completes me."
Kelly: "Er, That's from Jerry Maguire."
Nathan: "I know, I watched it four times last night. It's like he's Tom and I'm Renee. Someone else is the ugly speccy kid.”

Kelly: “Are you trying to tell me you're gay, or something?”
Nathan: ”Gay, straight, retarded. Why do we have to put labels on everything?”
Kelly: “Cos, we do. All right! Or-else no one's going to know what the fuck's going on.”

Alisha: "Look, if I've ever been a bitch to you, I'm sorry."
Simon: "I've never thought you were a bitch."

Alisha: “Maybe I deserve all this. But I need you to make me feel like I don't.”

Kelly: “I'm not being funny, yeah, but is this doing anything for you?”
Nathan: “Well, I'm a guy. We're really not that fussy.”

Kelly: "Do you ever get embarrassed of anything?"
Nathan: "Not really, no."

Buffy Season Eight: Last Gleaming, Part V

[This is the final issue of season eight.]

Faith: "You're the only slayer. You always were."

Synopsis:

San Francisco. Buffy is waitressing at the "Pick Me Up," a coffee/book place. A customer trips her, but she manages to maintain the tray of hot stuff upright and serve the customers anyway -- with her foot. The customer is a former slayer who hates Buffy.

Fringe: The Firefly

Roscoe: “Are you sure you don’t know what I’m supposed to do for you?”
Walter: “No idea.”

What a delightful episode. I had been a bit worried that Fringe would start to lose its shine now that Bolivia is back in her Bearth. (See what I did there?) But this episode managed to neatly balance on the fine line between mystery of the week and high-powered mythology.

Buffy Season Eight: Last Gleaming, Part IV

Xander: "Giles, I'm all for rash acts of nobility-- but you can't get between those two."

Synopsis:

Willow is chanting a spell to protect the Seed, which I want to call the Big Red Egg because that's what it looks like. Buffy and Angel are fighting, and Spike vamps out and attacks Angel. Angel grabs Spike and takes up into the air; it's still daylight, and Spike begins to burn. Buffy arrives and knocks them apart. Spike is either sucked into the sphere ship, or Buffy deliberately tossed him there, or both.

Misfits: Episode Two (I Think I'm Going to Die, Before I See My Time)

Nathan: “I see dead people.”

This episode started off slowly. Nathan's back-story, whilst not entirely surprising, offered an intriguing glimpse into his personal life. Greeting your Father with a punch in the face is pretty dysfunctional. Getting one back is downright abusive. But where this episode really caught fire (pun intended) was at the club. Curtis' altered power gifted us a fascinating peek into the future. How far into the future is anyone’s guess. But if that last minute reveal was anything to go by, it could be sooner than we think.

Jamie's drugs had the unexpected side-effect of reversing the Misfits' abilities. Alisha repelled people, instead of attracting them. Nathan became mortal, and had to be saved from exploding shrapnel by Superhoodie. Simon, instead of being invisible, suddenly became the focus of everyone's attention. How sweet that he refused to use his new found popularity for his own carnal gratification (despite enthusiastic proddings from Nathan). How like Simon to hate the adulation and lock himself in the toilet.

Kelly's powers were also reversed. Instead of being able to hear everyone else's thoughts, she couldn't stop telling everyone her own. She acknowledged that Nathan could probably do better than her. She even admitted to sleeping with just four people (“you're practically a virgin”). She also confessed to being in love with Nathan, and of being afraid of getting hurt. By caring, sharing Nathan? Surely not.

Curtis' flash of the future showed him wearing a superhero's costume. He actually looked pretty cool. But who was the girl in his vision and why did she have a scar running down her chest? More importantly, why did Superhoodie lead them to her home? Can he see the future, too? It's hard to shake the feeling that the Misfits are being manipulated. Yes, Superhoodie's protecting them. But to what end? Is he friend or foe? He seems to know everything about them. Always watching. Always one step ahead. But not invincible. That shrapnel from the car explosion definitely hurt him.

Nathan's attempts at caring for his newly found brother were as comical as they were well meaning. I loved watching him ironing Jamie a toasted sandwich. What must his clothes smell like? (Assuming her ever irons them). Nathan warmed to the idea of a brother right away (a typical only child response. I'd love one too). Someone to mould in his own image. Someone to look after, to go on the pull with, to teach his dance moves to (if he had any). What a shame Jamie died -- incinerated by an exploding Lily.

Jamie's purpose after death was to bring Nathan and his Dad together. It's early days -- but the signs are encouraging. Nothing says “I'm sorry” like paying for a man's breakfast. Those were some ugly exchanges at the Police Station. Years of neglect have obviously left Nathan with some deep scars. I felt a little sorry for his dad, too. Sure he's made mistakes. But he seemed genuinely sorry at the end. Maybe Nathan was a little sorry, too.

It's refreshing to know that things in the afterlife aren't so different to things over here. People still have sex. Apparently. Great closing line from Jamie (“I'm fucking her”). Maybe, Jamie and Nathan aren't so different after all.

Bits and Pieces:

-- Awesome opening scene of Nathan stripping off in front of the group and rubbing suntan lotion into his white, skinny body. I loved everyone's look of revulsion. Apart from Kelly. She seemed to be enjoying it.

-- Why, oh why, would Nathan think that shitting in someone's bed would send the right message? Loved his face whilst curling one off, though. Very serene.

-- I'm glad Nathan made the connection between Superhoodie and the BMX bandit from season one. I was wondering about that. Not that it helps us much in determining his identity.

-- Where does Nathan get his self confidence? Virtually everyone thinks he's a dick. Being immortal just makes him worse. Him talking to those car jackers as if they were prostitutes was hilarious.

-- Nathan's immortality means he can talk to dead people. There are infinite story possibilities there.

-- Loved Simon's dancing. It was made only slightly more ludicrous by everyone in the club mimicking him. It reminded me of the Doctor dancing in "The Big Bang". Truly terrible.

-- Dexter Fletcher is perfect casting as Nathan's father. They have similar mouths.

-- Poor Alisha can't seem to catch a break. Even with her superpower altered she was untouchable. What a pain.

Quotes:

Nathan: “Who says you can't have an ASBO and an all over tan?”

Nathan: "We're like the Mitchell brothers: only we're not bald, ugly and shit."

Simon: “Nathan? It's me”
Nathan: “Barry? Hey man. Help me out.”

Nathan: “There was a storm. Bunch of us got superpowers. I'm immortal. Big reveal.”

Nathan: “We need to send a message. Let him know he can't fuck with us.”
Curtis: “And How does taking a shit in his bed do that exactly?"
Nathan: “Well They did it in The Godfather."
Simon: “They put a horse head in the bed."
Nathan: "Well, have you got a horse's head?"

Nathan: "There's an extra twenty in it if you tie me and and hit my balls with a cactus."

Buffy Season Eight: Last Gleaming, Part III

Buffy: "It's not enough to side with our original big bad -- now we're working for him."

Synopsis:

Angel is fighting the Phoenix-like Higher Being Twilight whatever. It complains that Angel abandoned It, and that its mother, Buffy, abandoned It, too. It wants Angel to bring It the Seed, its soul. (Aha, says Billie.) The demons and monsters pouring in are a bit premature; they're anticipating the removal of the Seed.

Chuck: Chuck versus the Balcony

“It’s time to come clean.”

A good TV show, just like a good public speech, a good book, a good poem, should create audience desire. We, as the audience, should be guided into knowing what to hope for—do we want the main character to be happy, or sad? Do we want the couple to stay a couple, or break up? Should the bad guy die, or be redeemed? A strong show creates these tensions for us by effectively creating characters we can actively love or hate, arcs that have pep, sub-plots that keep us interested.


(This is the great problem with the Lost finale, for many people: it manufactured the desire for “answers,” but the creators ultimately wanted us to desire character resolution. Oops!)

Does this mean that a good show will do exactly what I want it to? Absolutely not. To paraphrase Joss Whedon, a good show should give me what I need, not what I want. If Buffy had given me what I thought I wanted, it would have lasted 1.5 seasons and ended with a Bangel sex scene. Because it gave me what I needed, instead, it grew from a good show into a fabulous one. And as Joss masterfully shifted audience desire throughout the seasons, what I thought I’d wanted, at first, became something entirely different by the series end.

But Chuck has lost its sense of desire. Our Pinocchio has grown into a real boy with a real job and a real girlfriend. Along the way, he has revealed himself to be still funny, still befuddled, and insanely neurotic about his relationship. So neurotic, in fact, that it’s hard for me to sympathize, because Chuck—despite all his bluster about marriage—doesn’t seem to fully understand the give-and-take, mature, often-boring adult relationship. He still doesn’t seem fully comfortable as a boyfriend yet, let alone a husband.

Could be a character quirk, sure. But I don’t think it’s an intentional one. Chuck still has a fairy-tale vision of lifetime commitment that seems oddly related to a sense of having scored a fabulous girlfriend and very little to do with a life plan—is this a problem with Chuck the character, or with the way the relationship has been written? Would I feel differently if the show allowed us a few more glimpses into their non-spy life? If the show had allowed its format some deviation to develop the characters and their relationship to one another?

Because of outside pressures, Chuck, has been forced to negotiate character development with brand consistency, and the tension is starting to wear show. Chuck has new magical powers, but hasn’t changed much. Sarah continues to wiffle-waffle between commitment and the spy-life. They talk a big game about marriage, which is supposed to be (according to Vladimir Propp) the way all fairy tales end, but neither of them seems to actually be ready for it.

As for desire, Chuck doesn’t seem to want anything more than renewals. This isn’t the damning criticism that it could be: plenty of shows (Law and Order, for instance) desire nothing but the renewal of episodic satisfaction. Those just aren’t the shows that I particularly love to watch.

All of this is by way of introducing my main point: this episode of Chuck gave me everything I thought I wanted, and nothing that I needed. It was funny, peppy, lots of things happened, the clothes were pretty, Morgan was reasonably involved, Chuck finally got to propose, the spy mythos got more complex…

And I’m left feeling cold. So Chuck is just as neurotic about the proposal as he has been about every single other aspect of his relationship with Sarah? There’s a new reason that Chuck and Sarah can’t be happy—only now it’s Sarah’s fault, but not really, because Chuck understands that she’s doing this for him, even though it was horribly ill-timed? So it does all come back to Volkoff, sort of? And Lester is still creepy? (Were we supposed to be rooting for him?) It was pleasant in the short-term, but unsatisfying in the long-term.

I’ve read quite a few reviews online this week, which I don’t usually do. But I was trying to figure out if it’s just me. Is it? My in-depth statistical analysis says no: it’s me and about half of the fandom. The other half really liked this episode, probably because it did have everything we want from a Chuck episode. For me they didn’t add up to a satisfying whole, but for others, it did.

Is that significant? I’m not sure. But right now, I’m starting to think that if I weren’t reviewing this show, I wouldn’t bother watching any more episodes, but would just wait for the series finale.

Bytes:

• Sarah: “Besides, I’ve got such a bad history of proposals.” That is now on my list of first-date must-says, along with “I’m not sure how many cats I have; they breed so quickly,” and “Alliance or Horde?”

• Lester: “It’s like they’re stuck in the old country. With their dated traditions and obsolete dietary restrictions. I keep telling them: ‘I live in the United States of America now. I’m not in Canada anymore.”
Big Mike: “You mean India, right?”
Lester: “What? No. I’m a Saskatchewan, a Hinjew of Saskatchewan. Some believe that we were a cult. Of sorts.”

• Morgan: “Casey is your man servant. Let him man-serve you.”

• Morgan: “Tide to-go sticks. Left jacket pocket.”

And Pieces:

• Lester singing was horribly uncomfortable. I couldn’t root for him to score the hot chick. I just couldn’t.

• Sarah’s blue dress was an interesting choice for a day at the office.

• I did enjoy Morgan’s pronunciation of the Lu-wah valley. It just rolls off the tongue, like a pinot with a stable on the label and a stork on the cork.

• Did anyone else expect Chuck to put the ring in his ear and the earbud in the box?


Where do you stand? How many Danny Kayes out of four?

Being Human: There Goes the Neighborhood (1)

Josh: "We'll have full moon parties. We'll invite the neighbors over and eat them."

I've been feeling torn by the advent of the new Being Human. I absolutely love the UK original (hereafter referred to as BH/UK). It's unique and wonderful and we're reviewing it. Reboots of good stuff usually suck, and I was totally prepared to hate this new version. But -- surprise -- I don't. It's good.

The producers of BH/US are promising us that they're using BH/UK only as a jumping off point, and they may actually mean it. Yes, part one of the pilot covered some familiar set-up ground, but I wasn't constantly going, hey, deja vu. It feels somewhat the same, but a good bit different.

One of the big changes they made was giving the characters new names. Instead of Mitchell, George and Annie, we now have Aidan, Josh and Sally. I like what the name change implies -- that this is a different series. And I really loved Sam Witwer (Aidan) and Sam Huntington (Josh). They're both strong actors and completely different personality types, but they felt like friends. Yes, I know there are way too many brooding, unhappy vampires on television and in the movies right now, but Witwer was a bright light (in a dark way) on Battlestar Galactica and Smallville; I've been hoping for quite awhile that he would land a good series, and I think he just did. I was less enthralled by Meaghan Rath as Sally, but there wasn't a whole lot of her so I'll reserve judgment.

Although the cliffhanger was werewolf-heavy -- will Josh kill his sister Emily? I don't think so -- a lot of this episode was about Aidan. The flashback showing Bishop and Aidan taking out a wedding party was pretty nasty. Did Aidan kill the child hiding under the table? Even if he didn't, he's got a seriously evil past to live down. And it's not that much in the past, since he killed one of his workmates at the beginning of this episode, and visited a vamp brothel later on. Aidan finds death beautiful, even though he's trying to give it up. Bishop, the truly scary vampire who turned Aidan and with whom he has a two-hundred-year Lestat/Louis relationship, is going to make it even harder for him.

And how cool is it that Bishop is played by Mark Pellegrino, who guest starred on both Lost and Supernatural last year? Did they do that on purpose to pull me in? Because it's working.

Bits and pieces:

-- Josh has been away from his family for two years. He's Jewish.

-- Josh and Aidan work at the Suffolk County Hospital in Boston. New England. Little ha-ha there.

-- Vampires don't eat in this version. That's different, because Mitchell definitely eats.

-- The actor who plays Mitchell on BH/UK is Aidan Turner. I don't suppose they did that deliberately?

-- I particularly liked that Aidan didn't care if their landlord Danny (Sally's fiance) thought he and Josh were a couple, while Josh was having a cow.

-- I loved the comment that everything Sally knows about ghosts came from Whoopi Goldberg.

-- The empty picture frame they put over the fireplace was this episode's Most Obvious Symbolism. They're trying to define themselves and so far, their humanity is only an outer shell.

Quotes:

Sally: "How can you see me?"
Aidan: "Think of us as sort of different countries on the same continent."
Josh: "Omigod, that's beautiful. Really. We're Africa."

Sally: "At least I don't masturbate to Nova."

Bishop: "You don't call, you don't write, you move in with a werewolf..."

I'm not ready to take BH/US on permanently -- not on the strength of one episode -- but I'm looking forward to part two. What did you guys think? I'd love to know.

Billie

Misfits: Episode One (Stealing Past the Windows of the Blissfully Dead)

Kelly: “Ah, you fucker!”

Tasteful dialogue with which to start a season, eh? This episode pretty much followed on from the season one finale: with Kelly mourning Nathan's death, Nathan indulging in a spot of onanism (whilst lying in his own shit), and Simon with a dead probation worker in the deep freeze. Only, now there's a new hero in town, and he seems to know all about the Misfits. Who is Superhoodie? Does he have superpowers? Questions they'll hopefully address as the season progresses.

I was watching an interview with Robert Sheehan last week and he revealed that, before this episode even aired, fans of the show were guessing correctly how Nathan would escape his interment. Personally, I had no clue. I half suspected the iPod Kelly buried with him would turn out to be an iPhone, and he'd rally the troops and have them come dig him out. In the end, it was our mysterious masked avenger, Superhoodie, who sent messages out to our favourite degenerates, instructing them to meet at his grave.

Superhoodie, unlike the Misfits, is a proper hero -- or at least appears to be. He has a costume of sorts, hides his face behind a mask, has gadgets, is an adept practitioner of free running, and can actually be arsed to save people. Last season he saved Nathan from the Virtue virgins. Tonight, after stabbing Kelly in the eye with a superbly directed paper plane, he returned -- decked out in body armour and night-vision goggles -- and saved Curtis from certain asphyxiation. He must also know about Kelly's telepathy; otherwise, why send them to the cemetery?

Nathan's resurrection was in predictably bad taste. After scaring Kelly half to death by screaming in her face, it was business as usual -- with the sexual innuendo, the shit talk, and the endless digs at Simon (although Tutti Frutti gum is pretty rank). Not exactly the reunion we were expecting. But as usual, Nathan gets all the best lines, which Sheehan delivered with enthusiastic aplomb. No wonder Nathan never pulls. He's a complete sociopath. I can't bring myself to quote some of the stuff he says.

We were also given a pretty disturbing glimpse into Simon's past and how his failed arson attempt landed him in a mental institution with the ever so slightly unhinged Lucy. Looks can be deceiving -- just not in Lucy's case. She looked strange from the off. Her face said it all. As did her obsession with Simon and her immediate jealousy of his new friends. Scratching out the eyes of paintings whilst silently sobbing is another tell-tale sign things aren't going well upstairs.

And thus began the shape-shifting madness. I honestly thought Kelly had offed another probation worker. Let's face it, it's not outside the realms of possibility. They've already got one mouldering in the chest freezer. Thankfully, Curtis' ability to turn back time saved them again. Not that it helped Nathan. Impaled on a pipe. Ouch! And, if it hadn't been for Superhoodie, Curtis would have likewise been toast. How is it that Superhoodie knew exactly where they were and what to do? More to the point, how did he know they were in danger in the first place? Precognition?

I liked that Kelly waited for Nathan to come back to life. It wasn't quite the evening they had planned -- but it was sweet in its own way. It was nice too that, despite Nathan promising to change (like he ever could), Kelly didn't ask him to. Kelly, of all people, knows that the person you are on the outside isn't necessarily the person you are within. Despite Kelly's brash exterior and uncompromising talk, it's obvious that deep down she cares for Nathan. She stuck up for Simon, too, when Curtis was about to take him to the cleaners for hurting Alisha. The writers are fleshing out Kelly's character nicely.

But what does it mean now that Superhoodie knows the Misfits killed Sally? Will he use this information to his advantage? Despite him saving Nathan and Curtis, is he really on their side? Or is he just using them?

Bits and Pieces:

-- I like the new probation worker's attitude. He seems as uninterested in the Misfits as they are in him.

-- Damn, Alisha's sexy!

-- Being immortal suits Nathan's personality perfectly. Not being able to die is going to push his self-confidence up through the roof (assuming it's not there already).

-- For a TV show with a small budget the visual effects were pretty awesome this week. Lucy's shape-shifting looked genuinely creepy.

-- I'm not sure I'd have eaten a Cornetto. Ick!

Quotes:

Nathan: “Can we please stop killing our probation workers?”

Curtis: “He's dead.”
Kelly: “I heard him. I think he was knocking one out.”
Simon: “That does sound like him.”

Nathan: “Oh, hey man! Cornettos!”

Kelly: “So if you're not dead, how comes you smell so bad?”
Nathan: “I appear to have shat myself.”

Nathan: “You want to see the merchandise? Try before you buy.”

Buffy Season Eight: Last Gleaming, Part II

Spike: "So what do you say, luv... fancy a bit of exposition?"

Synopsis:

In his stateroom on the sphere ship, Spike fills Buffy in on the Seed of Wonder, which is the source of all the magic in the world. It has been in Sunnydale since before humans and before The First. The world was overrun with demons and horrors, a spillover from another dimension. The Seed kept the demons/monsters from seeping back into the old dimension. The Seed is like a key. (I'm getting Dawn flashbacks.) Or maybe it's a cork. (And now I'm getting Lost flashbacks.)

Misfits: Episode Six (Neither of Us Mean What We Say)

Kelly: “What is up with that?”

My thoughts exactly! Alisha looked completely different with her hair pulled back and dressed in normal clothes. Her whole demeanour changed. Even her face looked different. She looked almost normal. Ditto Kelly. What a chilling glimpse of an unimaginable future. Kelly checking out a university prospectus? Are we in hell or something? Rachel's idea of a perfect world was all virtue and purity. Thank goodness she died. What a boring world that would be.

The Virtue virgin's plot felt a little throwaway -- although Rachel's superpower was pretty cool. Imagine what you could do with it. World peace would become a mere formality. Of course, it would be an enforced world peace. After Rachel died, no one seemed able to remember what had happened. Which suggests a mind control of sorts. (Possibly hypnotism?) But the rest of the story felt like nothing more than a set-up for killing Nathan. Rachel wasn't evil. She just wanted to make the world a better place. The storm gave her that opportunity. But like so many things on Misfits, it all went wrong.

It looks as though Nathan's balls were right. He does have a superpower. He's immortal. All it took to find out was him dying. The fact that Nathan survived Tony's frenzied attack two episodes ago should have given us a clue. He couldn't die then, either. Or rather he likely did, but came back to life again. I missed that completely. On the plus side, immortality is totally A list! Nathan's going to be unbearable once he gets out of his grave. Finally, he's one of the gang; and his superpower is the dog's bollocks.

I think Kelly and Nathan actually connected tonight. It was brief, and essentially pointless; but for a moment Nathan did open up. Unfortunately, it was to tell Kelly he could only get girls to have sex with him by getting them drunk first. It was obvious he'd then offer her a drink. He's as subtle as a brick. Yet, Kelly seems quite taken with him. And Nathan obviously has a thing for Kelly. His innermost thoughts came spilling out in typically clumsy fashion when he came face to face with Kelly's cardiganed self. Kelly's the only one capable of keeping Nathan in check. Her straight talking, no nonsense style, seems to nullify his ghastly over-confidence. I hope we get to see Kelly's back story at some point. I'd be interested to know why she's so insecure.

And, finally, we got to see Superhoodie in the flesh. We saw a fleeting glimpse of him on a poster back in episode five. He also made a brief appearance in one of Simon's videos earlier in the season. But tonight we got to see him in action. True, he didn't do a great deal. Just save Nathan from the Virtue virgins and then speed off on his BMX. We still don't know who he is. Presumably, just some guy with powers. But saving Nathan has certainly put him on the Misfits' radar.

Nathan's grand address was glorious. He extolled the virtues of being from a generation of the worst fuck-ups in existence... he sang the praises of drunkenness and promiscuity... and then, with a quick honk of Rachel's tits, fell to his death. What a way to go! At first, I thought Simon would save him. Unfortunately, he just didn't have the strength. I don't understand why Curtis couldn't rewind time, however. He's deliberately used his powers twice now. (To save and then break up with Sam.) Why could he suddenly not do it?

So, Nathan's in his grave, alive and with an iPod. It's going to be a long wait until season two. I hope the batteries are charged.

Bits and Pieces:

-- I don't want to be pedantic, but wasn't that a vibrator they burned? A vibrator vibrates, a dildo doesn't? Right? And remember kids -- batteries explode. Don't chuck 'em in the fire.

-- Nathan's still calling Simon Barry. Does he do it to be annoying, or is he just a bit thick?

-- Simon managed to turn invisible in front of a crowd this week. Why was that, I wonder? Fear?

-- What would have happened had Nathan been cremated instead of buried?

-- No more crusty socks, please.

-- You don't sit a corpse up in a chest freezer, just so you'll have company whilst having a snack. What is wrong with Simon?

-- Nathan's terrible under pressure. He goes to pieces. He also can't fight to save his life. Maybe his new found power will give him some balls next season.

-- Loved "Low Rider" playing in the background as Nathan went all Grand Theft Auto.

-- Surely they could have picked quieter place to go for a drink? Are clubs really that busy in the middle of the day?

Quotes:

Kelly: “What about your friends?"
Nathan: “I believe that's generally referred to as paedophile ring.”

Nathan: “Nice cardigan.”

Nathan: “It's a sad day for all of us when a bird like that pulls up her knickers.”

Simon: “When weird stuff happens it's always the storm. Haven't you worked that out yet.”

Simon: “I've always had a set of balls. You've just never seen them.”
Nathan: “That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.”

Nathan: “Don't think about shagging her. Don't think about shagging her. You're thinking about shagging her. You're an idiot.”

Nathan: “She's vexing them with some kind of Derren Brown voodoo mind shit.”

Nathan: “Thanks for saving me and everything. You could have just stopped and let me off.”

Kelly: “I was a horrible chav. I didn't like who I was.”
Nathan: “I...I did.”

Nathan: “Argos has a bad press. Who says you can't buy an engagement ring and George Foreman grill at the same time?”

Nathan: “There's only one thing ladies should be inserting in themselves, and that's knowledge.”

Nathan: "Are you reading a university prospectus? Oh, Jesus! This ends now!”

Nathan: "We're young. We're supposed to drink too much. We're supposed to have bad attitudes and shag each other's brains out. We are designed to party!”

Nathan: "If you could only see yourselves. It breaks my heart. You're wearing cardigans!”

Nathan: "We fucked up bigger and better than any generation that came before us. We were so beautiful!”

Nathan: “Un-fucking-believable.”

Buffy Season Eight: Last Gleaming, Part I

Buffy: "The last time I saw Spike, he died saving me and my people."
Angel: "He told me like four thousand times."

Synopsis:

Angel flies through a dimensional rift and lands on an O in the Hollywood sign. He looks out over L.A. and expects to see ruins, but no -- everything appears to be normal. (If you can call L.A. normal.)

Being Human: Bad Moon Rising

George: “You shouldn't have gone for Mitchell. It got my... attention.”

Everyone came of age tonight. Mitchell took responsibility for his past sins and agreed to a fight he could never win. Annie turned down death and developed some gnarly new powers. And George fooled us into thinking he was running away -- only to confront Herrick alone, and save Mitchell and Annie. Like we ever believed he'd desert them.

Josie's sacrifice was surprisingly touching. Could Mitchell have saved her? The old woman at the funeral parlour, despite being a vampire, still suffered from dementia. So I'm guessing vampirism doesn't necessarily heal pre-existing mental conditions or reverse the effects of old age. Which is probably why Josie said no to Mitchell's offer. She didn't want to be frozen in an aged, disease ravaged body. She wanted to die with dignity. Plus, Mitchell needed blood. Without it he would never have been strong enough to fight Herrick. So Josie agreed to trade her blood for a quick death. Poor Mitchell. Taking the life of someone you love must be soul destroying. No wonder he didn't flinch at the thought of his own death. At least it would put an end to his suffering.

I've always found Lenora Crichlow's portrayal of Annie a little lightweight. Andrea Riseborough's Annie always seemed more complex -- more acerbic. (And -- dare I say it? -- less Hollyoaks.) But I found Annie's angst and frustration bang on the money tonight. We're just not used to seeing her so emotionally charged. When she screamed and smashed the dishes I came out in goosebumps. Last week, Owen accused Annie of living life on the periphery. Of never participating. But tonight, Annie wanted to be a part of things. She wanted to fight. But George's new found sense of self-preservation wouldn't allow it. So she was again relegated to the sidelines. Annie's always been a good communicator -- but tonight she couldn't make either George or Mitchell see sense. Her feelings changed nothing. She had no say. She became a ghost.

I loved the kitchen table scene. The house is a symbol of the gang's normality. It's where they make tea, discuss the day's events and watch The Real Hustle. In short: it's where they play at being human. But tonight the concerns of the outside world penetrated their pink haven. (Not a euphemism.) Tonight the conversation revolved around matters of life and death; more specifically, Mitchell's death -- and Annie seemed to be the only one willing to fight for him.

Mitchell seemed resigned to his fate. The chances of him beating Herrick in a fight were virtually nil, but he'd at least be buying time for Annie and George to escape. He was tired of the weight of his own conscience. Abstaining from blood meant the partaking of guilt. He remembered the cry of every slaughtered human. Of every soul who'd ever fought back. The only way to forget was to succumb to the blood-lust -- a sort of bloody alcoholism. But even that wasn't the perfect solution. Killing humans distanced him from his humanity. It made him a monster. It was better to die instead.

Even George seemed resigned to letting Mitchell go. In truth, he was scared. Unlike Mitchell and Annie, George is mortal. He's easy to kill. He also has Nina to think of now. At least running away gave them a chance. Maybe he could get Annie and Nina to safety. Except, of course, George had no intentions of running anywhere. His tête-à-tête with the Vicar made him realise that it was time to man up. So, instead of giving Herrick directions to Mitchell's rooftop rendezvous, he instead led him to the hospital basement -- and into a trap. Kudos to Russell Tovey for selling us the dummy so convincingly. I totally bought George's fear, not to mention his anguish and tears. It was completely rational. Which is why Annie and Mitchell fell for it.

It was purely by chance that Annie discovered the switch. Maybe if she hadn't uncovered George's ruse Nina would've been spared. That way George could have still killed Herrick without Nina getting caught in the crossfire. At least now Nina knows why George has been behaving so strangely. The question is, what will it mean for their relationship? And what will happen to Nina? Has George infected her? The smart money's on yes. I do love Nina. Even if she's not infected, I hope the writers find a way of keeping her in the show. A human in the gang would fit perfectly.

And, finally, George accepted the wolf within. Up until now he's treated his lycanthropy as something akin to possession. Tonight he used his curse to his advantage. Instead of trying to run from it, he embraced it. Herrick thought that George killing him would turn him into a monster. But sometimes killing is inevitable -- and when done for others, it can be noble. It didn't take away from George's humanity. It confirmed it. Killing Herrick was an act of love. It made him absolutely human.

Herrick always imagined he'd be the one to lead his people into the new era. In the end he turned out to be expendable. Perhaps he was at the forefront of something new. But someone else would lead. Herrick downplayed his personal ambition -- blaming evolution. Darwinism. Unfortunately, Herrick had become weak. Natural selection had deemed him unfit for survival. In a sense I was glad. Herrick was an evil character. But Jason Watkins is such a great actor, I'll miss not having him around. Hopefully Herrick can make a comeback.... once George has shat him out.

And so our heroes got through unscathed. The main story wrapped up nicely -- although they did leave us something to chew on. Who is the old guy in the suit asking after George, Annie and Mitchell? And who is Professor Jaggat?

Bits and Pieces:

-- It was great to see George's first meeting with Mitchell. Two years ago Mitchell saved George from certain death. Tonight George repaid that debt.

-- How sweet of George to keep the existence of monsters a secret from the Vicar. The poor guy wasn't ready for that kind of news.

-- Herrick wanted Mitchell dead because he symbolised another way for vampires. A more peaceful way. Herrick didn't want anyone following his example.

-- What a contrast between Mitchell and Herrick preparing for to battle. Mitchell walked alone. Herrick, with the cheers of the crowd ringing in his ears.

-- I loved George facing off against Herrick in the canteen. George was at the end of his tether. He's not afraid any more. He's come a long way since Mitchell saved him two years ago. He knows who he is now.

Quotes:

Annie: “I guess I've missed my flight.”

Annie: “So, what do I do now? Apart from stand here and talk to myself like a mental?”

Vicar: “Jewish people pray. I've seen Yentyl.”
George: “You're very sarcastic for a Vicar.”
Vicar: “Yeah, so people tell me. And I feel really bad about it. But then, you know, I forgive myself.”

Mitchell: “You saved me once already. So let me save you too.”
Josie: “Death isn't always the unwelcome guest you think it is. Besides, there comes a time when you can feel the party winding down around you.”

Herrick: “How do you think this ends?”
George: “I don't know. We kiss?”

Herrick: “I will chase you all to the end of the world and pick the meat off your bones myself.”

George: “Someone actually recruited an old woman?”
Herrick: “Well, you know what it's like. You're out and about, you get the munchies, you'll eat anything.”

Annie: “Well, congratulations on mastering the whole “speaking like a twat” thing.”

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Billie's Ten Rules of Television

Many moons ago, I mentioned off-hand that something was one of my "television rules". I didn't really have a list of rules, but it sounded good. Awhile later, I did it again. And then a third time. And then I decided maybe I'd better keep track of the rules, and if I ever had ten, I'd post them. And then I had ten, and kept forgetting to post them. (This article is quickly turning into "Ten reasons why Billie procrastinates".)

So I should have posted them awhile ago. I'm posting them now. Without further ado or procrastination, here are my Ten Rules of Television. If you have some of your own, I'd love to see them in the comments.

1. If I really love a new show, it is usually swiftly and immediately canceled. (Corollary: A show that I later fall passionately in love with will initially turn me off in a big way.)

2. The most obvious murder suspect in real life is usually the one whodunit. On television, the opposite is true.

3. Good drama takes time. Less is more.

4. Always avoid creepy demonic statues, especially at archaeological sites.

5. Supernatural stories about Native Americans usually suck, especially when the Native Americans are elderly men.

6. In the beginning, fans are crazy about a show and love everything about it. And then, usually around season three, some of them start compulsively ripping it to shreds. Why? Because a good show must innovate and change or it gets boring as well as canceled, but some believe it must continue to be what they initially fell in love with, forever and ever, period. You'd think they'd stop watching, but no; they stick around and complain endlessly, instead. That's Billie's Television Rule #6, also known as the "Buffy season six Rule."

7. Never try to apply logic to time travel stories.

8. Any episode that starts with people burning at the stake is going to suck.

9. Nearly everyone living in a foreign country speaks perfect English.

10. (Josie's Law): If you don't see the body, don't believe anyone is dead.

Misfits: Episode Five (Why'd You Sing Hallelujah, If It Means Nothing to Ya?)

Sam: “You're dumping me with a line from Spiderman?"

Sally spent most of tonight's episode trying to ingratiated herself with Simon. She took advantage of his loneliness, appealed to his sensitive nature, and in the end, gave him the attention he so desperately craved. He didn't stand a chance. It was a foregone conclusion he'd fall for her. She even used her shygirl18 alias to dupe him into asking her out. Did she ever feel anything for him? Probably not. Although, in hindsight, a few things did make me wonder.

Like how she made Simon look good in front of his neighbour. She didn't need to do that. Or the kissing. There are other, less intimate, ways of getting information, surely? How can you kiss a man you suspect of being complicit in the disappearance of your fiancée? And even after she'd found proof the Misfits did kill Tony, she couldn't bring herself to believe Simon had been a part of it. Was that all just part of the ruse? My mind tells me yes -- but my heart says no. And then she smashed his head into that mirror. Okay, I guess my heart's an idiot!

It was weird seeing Simon happy. He's usually so dour. Seeing him smile was a real shock to the system. Kudos to Iwan Rheon for making such a strange character so compelling. Simon was understandably enraptured by Sally. The pleasure he took in watching her eat. The way he watched her undress through a crack in the door. (Okay, so maybe that was a little pervy). The way he filmed her sleeping. (Okay, that was definitely creepy). It's a shame it was all a lie. All Sally's ever wanted is to know the fate of her fiancée Tony. Unfortunately, discovering the truth didn't really help. She didn't live long enough to see justice done. Instead she became another body for the Misfits to dispose of.

There was some nice continuity between tonight's episode and last week's. After being humiliated in Curtis' rewind, we learned that Simon -- in a fit of rage -- went round his neighbour's house and tried to burn it down. If it hadn't been for a freaked out cat, he'd probably have managed it, too. No wonder Sally laughed. The image of Simon dousing the flames by pissing through the letterbox is enough to make anyone chuckle. Even Simon. Eventually. God, it just looks so wrong when he smiles.

On a lighter note, Curtis made a right pig's ear of trying to break up with Sam. It wasn't for lack of trying. Nor was it for lack of excuses. He busted out all the classics: I've changed, I've got three months left to live, I'm impotent, you're fat. He even tried some unconventional ones. (Which I'd rather not repeat.) In the end it was a Spiderman quote which sealed the deal. (“No matter what I do, the ones I love will be the ones who pay”). Classy, Curtis. Real classy. Surely he knows better than to listen to Nathan by now? The important thing is, Sam's now out of the picture. Which frees Curtis up to have no sex whatsoever with Alisha. Err... good choice, Curtis.

It was honest of Curtis to tell Alisha about Sam. Not that it made any sense. I was so confused, I couldn't work out whether Curtis was to blame or not. Surely he must've have had some awareness that Sam was still his girlfriend? Except, Curtis seemed unsure as to whether he did or not. At least Alisha forgave him after hearing how he went back in time to save her. Time travel is such a cool power. If only he wasn't so rubbish at using it.

Nathan and Kelly ended up almost having a romantic moment tonight. Was it just me or did Kelly looked quite chuffed with Nathan's compliment about her chicken nuggets being cooked to perfection? How can Kelly criticise Nathan for living on crisps and chocolate, and then feed him chicken nuggets? Surely they're only marginally more nutritious? Nathan didn't open up much about his private life, though. We know a little about his parents. But it would have been nice to see Nathan and Kelly bond. You always get the feeling something's about to happen between those two. And then Nathan opens his mouth and it's off again.

The baby with powers sub-plot was ludicrous. Do babies really think in adult sentences, expressing wants and desires? A baby couldn't possibly know Nathan was a prick. It made absolutely no sense at all. But, like Keith, the perverted dog (from episode one), it was played for laughs, and in that respect, it worked. Besides, Nathan really is a prick.

Bits and Pieces:

-- Nice bit of Damien Rice singing “Delicate”. O is a great album.

-- The poster Nathan removed from the wall was a nice fore-gleam of things to come.

-- I'm not sure how many scenes of Curtis wiping his cock with a Kleenex I can stomach.

-- Kelly's hair's grown back quick.

-- Finally, Simon got some kudos from Curtis for pulling Sally. Now Simon and Curtis know something that Nathan doesn't know.

Quotes:

Nathan: “Rough in the jungle, innit in the jungle. Rough in the jungle, innit in the jungle.”

Sally: “He's such a twat. Sorry, that was really unprofessional.
Simon: “He is a twat.”

Nathan: “We have outfoxed the fox, which makes us very bloody foxy.”

Alisha: “How long have you been with her?”
Curtis: “It's complicated.”

Alisha: “Wait. Are you cheating on me with her or are you cheating on her with me?”

Curtis: “Fit older woman. Heavy.”

Sally: “You don't owe them anything.”
Simon: “They're the only friends I've got.”

Curtis: “No matter what I do, the ones I love will be the ones who pay.”
Sam: “Is that from Spiderman?”

Sam: “You're dumping me with a line from Spiderman?”

Buffy Season Eight: Twilight, Part IV

Buffy: "And I wanna just make sure we're not somehow standing here in my mind, or in some dream where I'm the snowglobe at the end of St. Elsewhere."

Synopsis:

Buffy and Angel are in a beautiful Eden-like but alienish landscape. Buffy is expecting the worst, that the orcs will come over the mountain at any time, but no. Their toga clothes change to something exotic. A gorgeous sun is going down. The world they're in is called Twilight.

Being Human: Where the Wild Things Are

Annie: “Owen's won. I can't touch him. He just keeps killing me.”

Disillusioned with mankind, Mitchell almost went over to the dark side tonight. Convinced that Herrick's plan of voluntary recruitment could work, he returned to the fold; only to find he didn't belong there any more. Despite past indiscretions, Mitchell's no monster. Unlike Herrick. His secret stash of humans was the final straw for Mitchell. The façade finally crumbled. Just in time for the cavalry of gay ninjas to arrive.

What a rescue it was. Annie throwing the phone at Seth was a piece of perfectly crafted comedy. The cord stopped the phone just inches from his face. Shame that. I'd love to have seen Seth cop one in the mush. George holding that chair above his head and shouting “Who wants some of my chair” was, likewise, laugh-out-loud funny. Toby Whithouse has a real gift for humour. This episode contained some of my favourite moments of the whole season -- particularly as it introduced us to the gang's love of The Real Hustle (a subject revisited in season two to great comedy effect.)

Inept, or not, somehow George and Annie managed to get Mitchell out; though it was Lauren who really saved them. But, their rescue came at a price. Terrified at seeing her humanity slowly draining away, Lauren sought to end it all. Like Mitchell, Lauren's ashamed of what she's become. She feels remorseful over the suffering she's caused, and of the joy she's taken in inflicting it. Tonight she asked Mitchell to kill her -- whilst there was still something recognisable left inside to kill.

I found Lauren's last words quite moving. Vampires are traditionally viewed as irredeemable creatures, undeserving of any kind of favourable eternal reward. But Lauren whispering “Oh my” as she slipped away seemed to hint at something wonderful. Maybe there is some kind of redemption for penitent vampires. Lauren was never cut out for that sort of life. The sheer brutality of it left a mark on her soul. In the end she wanted release, and since it was Mitchell who sired her, it felt only right that he should be the one to set her free.

Mitchell staking Lauren felt like the final nail in the coffin for Herrick's Final Solution. Conversion en masse just wasn't the answer. Not everyone is suited to that kind of lifestyle. Lauren struggled with it. Josie rejected it on the basis of it being counter-evolution (promoting stasis rather than growth.) Even Mitchell hates what he's become. Unlike other vampires, he doesn't revel in past glories. He doesn't want to inspire people, spurring them on to even greater atrocities. He'd sooner die forgotten.

Typically, Herrick's plan of voluntary recruitment was just half the story. With no humans left, there'd be nobody to kill or feed on. Yet, Herrick wanted both. Voluntary recruitment was never intended to be a peaceful solution. It was meant to swell the numbers of Herrick's army, whilst keeping a portion of humanity perpetually unchanged -- to be used as fodder for Herrick's followers. With the public face of Herrick's plan shattered, Mitchell saw it for what it was -- an abomination -- and rejected it wholesale. He became one of the good guys again.

Even in his darkest hour, it was plain to see that Mitchell still cared for humans. Him asking Herrick to recruit Josie was a request born out of love -- a typically human emotion. He even tried to negotiate the safety of George and Annie. Unfortunately, the best Herrick could offer was a dignified death. Despite protests to the contrary, Mitchell's more human than he lets on. He remembers the beauty of mortality -- and a person's right to choose it.

Likewise, Annie's desire for revenge and justice was a recognisable human trait. Unfortunately, despite some genuinely funny moments, her attempted haunting of Janey was almost her undoing. Owen completely destroyed her. Not content with killing her once, his words continued to break her down even in death. His confessions of infidelity were designed to demean and degrade; and that's exactly what they did. Annie's ghostly presence was meant to terrify Owen into confessing to her murder. But it was Annie who became the victim. Even dead, Owen still had power over her. You've got to hand it to Gregg Chillin. In a show full of monsters, he makes Owen seem like the worst of them all. What a bastard.

Thankfully, Annie had the last laugh. Throwing aside the premeditated speeches, with George and Mitchell at her side, she launched into an impromptu condemnation of Owen. This time there was no stilted dialogue or clichéd ghostly waffle. Just the truth and a secret so terrible it eventually drove Owen mad. Perhaps Annie didn't frighten him. But there were things out there that would. That should. She introduced Owen to a whole world of terror he never even knew existed -- and, fearing for his own life, Owen turned himself in. Finally, Annie got her justice. Whether Owen's safer behind bars or not is another matter entirely.

And so it was almost a happy ending, with Mitchell safely back in the fold, George alive (albeit with a bruised hand bone), and Annie avenged. Yet, the last five minutes threw everything into chaos again. Annie's door to the afterlife finally appeared. Unfortunately, so did Herrick... and staked Mitchell through the chest. Now Annie has to choose between moving on... or saving Mitchell.

Will Annie stay or go? Will Mitchell ever get to see The Real Hustle again? All will be revealed in next week's season finale.

Bits and Pieces:

-- Richard Turner was the first vampire to live a double life in England. He arrived in Bristol in 1630. I wonder whether he's still alive? ( In the show, not in real life.)

-- No One Gets Left Behind? Which came first? The motto, or the song by Five Fingered Death Punch?

-- I loved George crying when Annie had to leave. Despite a rocky start, they've become surprisingly good friends. He even helped her work on her haunting skills. Not that it did much good. She was still terrible.

-- Best moment of the episode: George wetting himself when Herrick knocked at the door. Five stars!

-- Presumably Annie's purpose was to bring Owen to justice. I'm assuming the door appeared because her purpose was fulfilled.

Quotes:

George: “Our lovers linger inside us like ghosts... haunting the corridors and deserted rooms. Sometimes whispering. Sometimes screaming. Invisible, but... always there. Waiting.”

Owen: “I should have known not even death would be enough for one of your sulks.”

Mitchell: “What's everyone doing?”
Herrick: “Well, Sorenson has just farted and all the men are high-fiving each another.”

Herrick: “”Come the revolution, we'll all need to know how to dance.”

Janey: “Never a birth, Never a death. That's not evolution, that's a full stop.”

Annie: “If I'd wanted to keep you here I would have chopped your feet off.”
Janey: “Oh no!”
Annie: “Look, I'm not going to chop your feet off.”

Janey: “It's like what happened to my aunty Linda. She kept seeing the Bronte sisters in her en-suite.”

Nina: “The results are in and it turns out that you have a smashing arse.”

Josie: “I thought perhaps you were a wizard, or something?”
George: “A wizard? Oh God. That's ridiculous.”
Josie: “Trust me, once you've dated a vampire you tend to have a different criteria for what's ridiculous.”

George: “They're based at an undertakers. Stereotypes clearly hold no fear for these people.”

George: “”That was pathetic. We were like the world's gayest ninjas.”

Mitchell: “But you saved us.”
Lauren: “So save me.”

Annie: “When it comes to pure, naked evil, you're an amateur. I want you to know you've wandered off the path. This is where the wild things are and we've got your scent now.”

George: “I actually let out a little bit of wee there.”

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Misfits: Episode Four (My Words Stumble Before I Start)

Nathan: “Come on. Get in there, you beautiful bitch.”

Curtis saw an opportunity to turn his life around tonight. After an unexpected visit from Sam, he tried to use his powers to change the past. Predictably, he got more than he bargained for. Trying to alter time is a tricky business. In the end, it took him three attempts to get it right. Unfortunately, he killed virtually everyone in the process. Ain't that always the way? Too many variables, see? Thankfully, Howard Overman resisted the urge to push the reset button. Well, almost. The Misfits live! But things are subtly changed in ways Curtis should've, but didn't, foresee.

Curtis' main objective was to avoid being caught in possession of drugs. Sounds easy, right? Wrong! Instead of letting Sam pocket the drugs, Curtis flushed them immediately down the most disgusting toilet in existence. (It was like something out of Trainspotting.) Which should have been the end of it. Unfortunately, Curtis had no money to pay the dealer. He'd left his money in his hoodie, and his hoodie with Kelly. Good news for Kelly. Very bad news for Samantha, who ended up getting stabbed by an irate drugs dealer. Strike one! Curtis hit the rewind button, again.

Second time around, things went a lot smoother. This time Curtis didn't flush the drugs. He instead hid them in the car park, and then retrieved them after the police raid. Which actually did work. But, because he was never arrested, he never did community service -- which means he wasn't there to save the Misfits from Tony. (See episode one). So Simon, Alisha, Kelly and Gary all ended up dead. Strike two! Curtis hit rewind again.

This time Curtis flushed the drugs, but kept a single wrap on his person; thus sealing his own fate. Not the perfect solution. But it was enough to assuage his guilt over Sam going to prison. An unexpected side-effect is that Sam is now still his girlfriend. She never went to prison and they never broke up. So Curtis now has two women on the go. How that works, I have no idea. I don't think Curtis does, either. He looked totally baffled. How will Alisha react when she finds out? If next week's teaser's anything to go by, then not very well.

It was fun seeing the other Misfits scattered throughout Curtis' botched rewinds. Simon was sadly as invisible as ever. His social gaffe in the club was just the latest in a seemingly never ending line of ego battering mishaps. I did smile at him trying to look up Kelly's skirt, though. I know it was wrong, but it's easy to forget that Simon's a sexual creature. Groping unconscious girls is probably the only fun he gets. Kelly looked in a bad way, too. It was nice to see her boyfriend again (whatever his name is), but you can't help but feel she's better off without him. Stealing cars, jewellery and CDs is no way to exist. Alisha was the only one who seemed reasonably stable. I wonder if she remembers meeting Curtis at the club? It was a weird enough conversation to be memorable, that's for sure.

Tony and Sally also made an appearance. I felt a little sorry for Sally. Despite Tony having some serious anger management issues, she looked genuinely happy at his almost proposal. No wonder she refused to believe he could've just upped and left. It would've been completely out of character. Why would he just run away? And now Sally's found Tony's credit card in Simon's locker, her suspicions are all but confirmed. The Misfits do know something about Tony's disappearance. What will Sally do? Go to the police? Or dish out some kind of crazy-ass vigilante justice?

It was odd seeing Dexter Fletcher and Michael Obiora on the same show. I've not seen them working together since Hotel Babylon. Detective Pete is as far removed from Ben Trueman as you could possibly get. It's a shame they weren't in the same scene. Maybe next time.

Nathan behaved like an absolute arse tonight. He can't use drugs or drink as an excuse, either; he looked pitifully sober. Beverly tried to reach out to Nathan. He even tried reasoning with him. (Like that was ever going to work.) He didn't want to phone the police, he just wanted paying for the stolen goods. Unfortunately, Nathan opted for arrest rather than accepting help from his dad. I guess Nathan really is doing community service for eating Pick n' Mix. And stapling Bev's hand. And being a dick.

Bits and Pieces:

-- Sally didn't recognise the engagement ring in Kelly's locker because it was stolen before she got a chance to see it.

-- Loved “A Message To You Rudy” playing in the background at the end. The words couldn't have described Curtis' situation better. (“Stop ya messin' around.”)

-- Nathan is terrible at bowling. He's also bad at trying to escape from bowling alleys. You're supposed to run away from the lanes, not into them. Nice tip of the hat to The Big Lebowski, though.

-- I liked that during his second rewind Curtis didn't even bother to speak to Nathan. A prick, indeed.

-- Kelly puked on Curtis twice. Nice.

Quotes:

Nathan: “Would you like me to grab you some toilet paper?
Curtis “I'm not taking a shit!”

Kelly: “I need to go outside. I'm off my tits.”

Nathan: “Hold my hand, Bev. Hold it!”

Gary: “Kell? Do you want to marry me?”
Kelly: “That is so fucking romantic!”