by Josie Kafka
"No, a human."
That's right, beauties and beasts: that's the best quote I could come up with for this ersatz review of the CW's reboot of the delightfully wonderful 1980s fantasy show Beauty and the Beast. Meant to capitalize on the darker side of our current obsession with broody heroes and their barely-contained violent urges, the new Beauty and the Beast stars that girl from Smallville that everyone hates, and a guy with a scar. And that's all I can tell you, since I only got 29 minutes into the episode.
So that's where you come in...
Tell us how much you disliked (or loved, if that's a thing anyone is feeling right now) the pilot of Beauty and the Beast. The person who submits the best comment will win absolutely nothing, except for our undying gratitude. And a kitten. Sure, we'll send you a kitten. Absolutely.
The contest will be judged according to completely arbitrary criteria, in order for the contest rules to fit the standards of those executives and writers who created this episode.
Let the games begin!