2014: The Year in Review

Greeting Doux-axians,

I have returned from 2023 to today, late December 2014, to deliver my contributions to the annual year-ending posts. As you will all no doubt remember, this was all tied up in my career as a combination Cultural Critic, Looper and Bison rancher (just check my June 2014 post for the details, it’s too complicated to go into here). All that exposition done, let’s get on with my 2014 post.

First, remembering those that left us in the last year.

The Year that Was 2014: In Memoriam
(Time traveler edition, no spoilers from the future)

Tony Danza – Obviously, any list must lead with the passing of Earth’s Greatest hero and Statesman. Anything I could add would just be repetitive of the thousands of online tribute sites (it may even be in the tens of thousands by now) or as the President said in his moving tribute, “Hold us Closer Tony Danza.” Indeed.

Albuquerque’s film industry– We all saw this coming after the end of Breaking Bad, the whole filming industry in New Mexico is just dead. After the enormous ratings of “Better Call Saul,” and the recently announced “Badger and Skinny Pete: Private Investigators, everyone wanted to film there, land values skyrocketed and the whole place got so Hollywood that the phrase “Albuquerque Phony” became common parlance. Producers have moved most productions to Orlando to get a more gritty, realistic feel.

Twerking – Because when John Boehner does it during the State of the Union you know it’s over. Additionally, the whole drag show by the Bipartisan Committee for Debt Reform in support of raising the debt limit, what was that even about? I don’t want to say Congress is “over” but they may want to consider buying the organization back from the Chinese in 2015. I think that it is fair to say that the Chinese have regretted that purchase from the day they made it.

Krampus – Let’s face it, being a child-whipping devil associated with Christmas doesn't play well in our politically correct "beating a kid with a stick is abuse" "war on Christmas" times, and appearing on Grimm sounded like such a good idea. But public relations-wise going on Oprah’s new show and leaping the couch was not. That demon is just played out at this point. I predict that the Bohemian legend of the Vengeful Easter Hedgehog "Pavelcek" will be the next big thing in alternative holiday mythological characters.

The Apocalypse (Over was over in 2014) – I know that I said the same thing at the end of 2013 (and 2012) but surely we are ready to move on from the end of the World in 2015. For me the final straw was “Dogs and Cats Sleeping Together, Mass Hysteria 1: The Movie”, which despite grossing 348 million domestically was still a terrible movie (I mean who makes a movie from a thirty year old Bill Murray quote).

Once Upon a Time in Oz – This seemed like such a good idea, but sometimes even the best idea is flawed in execution. Even the executives at ABC admit now that using the original HBO production designers resulted in a project that was not what they were after. Though, when the cowardly lion got shanked in the prison laundry, I’ll admit it, I cried.

Snapchat – Talk about devoted to a concept, I really admired the way this web service went out, automatically deleting itself in March because it’s cool had expired. An inspired finish.

Blue as a warm color – Okay, maybe it’s a sign of personal growth but how many Lesbian love scenes can one man watch in a lifetime? Wait don’t answer that….in fact forget I asked. (BTW Next year’s Warm lesbian color will be Puce)

Hot Trends for 2015

Land boom on Mars – With the rise to sentience of all of our Mars rovers and, of course, Ambassador Danza’s breakthrough with the Martians, suddenly everyone is moving to Mars. Obviously, the land speculation will create a Mars real estate bubble but if you move early you can still find bargains. I got a split-level in Bradbury for only 60 million bit coins last month, but you’ll need to move fast.

Matter-Eater Lad vs. Squirrel Girl – The fight between D.C. and Marvel for complete dominance of all media platforms and our lives will continue. In Spring 2015, as the two hero factories roll out their much anticipated spin-offs of The Legion of Superheroes Netflix series/Aeropostale clothing line and the Marvel Spotlight Facebook Page/Twitter account heroine respectively. Each will be featured in a 12 episode television series of FXXX and AMCrap respectively. Stan Lee spoke from his home on the slopes of Mons Olympos and commented “Excelsio…oh who am I kidding, its complete garbage but I am able to afford to live on Mars.”

Twerking – And just like that its back , I guess its not a surprise when they discover in 2015 that it cures cancer (sorry that may have needed a spoiler alert)

Dennis Rodman, U.N. Ambassador – After solving the North Korean crisis, bringing peace to the Middle East, and being awarded the Danza medal, this almost seems like too little for such a great man.

“The Refrigerator Note” – Joss Whedon’s long awaited saga (based on a post-it stuck on his refrigerator, as reported here) starring Brad Pitt as the refrigerator note and Jennifer Lawrence as the forgotten condiment will premiere and surpass Avatar as the #1 movie of all time. And since it was shot in 4-D, it will do so back in 2009.

Okay, those future Bison aren’t going to herd themselves and the calibration on my time machine's chrono-locator is acting a little funky, so I will see you all in 2015.

Happy New Year or as we say now Twerka Danzia!


Billie Doux said...

Ben, this is absolutely nuts. I love it.

J.D. Balthazar said...

Totally brilliant Ben! I'm glad I did mine earlier in the month, I don't think I could follow that.

Here's to 2015!

Wait... I mean 2014! The whole wibbly wobbly timey wimey thing makes my head go all melty.

Jess Lynde said...

Twerka Danzia, Ben! You may have just ruined 'Tiny Dancer' for me, but your inspired finish for Snapchat was, indeed, inspired, so Twerka Danzia!

drnanamom said...

Oh you clever boy! That review was great, such fun. Thanks for a creative review of the coming year.

ChrisB said...

Fantastic! I love this.

Ben P. Duck said...

Sadly, Matt Smith just turned up and told me I had made a real muck of 2014 and would have to experience it all over again. Oh we'll, Twerka Danzia and thank you for the kind words.