The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

“One shall stand, one shall fall.”

Imagine being a kid in 1986 going to see this movie expecting a fun adventure featuring all your favourite cartoon heroes only to end up having a front row seat for the animated version of the Red Wedding.

Warning: Ancient Spoilers Ahead!

It is the year 2005, which used to sound so futuristic when I was a kid, and the Autobots are still waging war with the Decepticons because those idiots keep leaving the window wide open so Laserbeak can snoop on them and learn all their plans. Those guys desperately needed a counter-espionage Autobot who could transform into an Aston Martin. Anyway, as the Autobots and Decepticons are doing their usual dance, a new threat is slowly inching towards Cybertron in the form of Unicron (a very bored and very dying Orson Welles), a planet sized transformer who gobbles up other planets for food, but only ones made of metal with robot populations, which this universe seems to have an abundance of.

Produced following the show's second season, The Transformers: The Movie was intended to be a promo for all the new toys Hasbo was set to launch. The old toy line was being discontinued and some executive somewhere thought it would be a good idea to get rid of the old characters in the most ruthless way possible. As far as Hasbo executives were concerned, these were nothing more than merchandise, things to be sold, they didn't consider that their customers might actually be emotionally invested in their well being. Within the first eight minutes of the movie Brawn, Prowl, Ratchet, and Ironhide are all slaughtered by Decepticons while 80s heavy metal blasts on the soundtrack. Later on, Wheeljack and Windcharger both die off screen, their lifeless bodies left to rust on the chaotic battlefield. More deaths were planned, Hasbo wanted the entire original cast wiped out to make way for the new ones, including the hero of the show, the beloved Optimus Prime.

While the initial reaction to it has been somewhat overblown in recent years, the slaying of Optimus Prime remains one of cinema's most controversial deaths, and is still a sore spot for many to this day. The film's 40th re-release has even been labelled as an apology tour to cash in on the lingering fan resentment. Youngsters were deeply upset and their credit card carrying parents were furious and in no mood to rush out and buy new toys. The backlash, coupled with the film's poor box office performance, had a knock-on effect on the movie for G.I. Joe, another Hasbo property. It was downgraded from a theatrical release to direct-to-video and the planned death of Duke (which had actually inspired the death of Optimus) was scrapped and the film hastily re-edited to show his survival.

No time was wasted in undoing all this at the earliest opportunity. Well, not everything. All the other Autobots stayed dead, but Optimus was resurrected at the end of the third season, elevating him to the status of metallic messiah in the process, forever repeating this routine in all future adaptations, revivals, and reboots. It is an incredible irony that this movie was so determined to get rid of him and replace him with a younger model, yet only really succeeded in firmly cementing his place in pop culture.

I was too young to see this in cinemas and by the time I did I'd already seen Optimus' return in the show so wasn't really affected by his death because I knew he'd get better. While I wasn't bothered emotionally, I was bothered intellectually, because the entire concept of robot death in this movie is annoyingly inconsistent. All the old Generation 1 characters are shot down and treated as permanently dead, yet Ultra Magnus is blown to bits and repaired good as new. If he could be fixed why not Optimus or any of the film's other victims? I know the external answer is because the company wanted to flog some new toys, but within the context of the story being told it makes no sense that Magnus could be revived so easily while everyone else stayed dead and rusting.

When it isn't being even more of a glorified toy commercial than usual, Transformers: The Movie is basically an extended episode of the TV series, only this time there's an actual body count. The first half is pure carnage so all the old toys can be gotten rid of (everyone then conveniently loses their ability to aim), while the second half has the new toys characters all splinter off into a bunch of aimless side quests so even more new toys characters can be introduced. There's a lot of activity, but nothing that really resembles a story. The movie had a $6m budget so the animation is rather good in places, but since production was so rushed it's rather mediocre in others. Suspect the bulk of the budget went towards Unicron's transformation.

Unicron himself is a low rent Galactus wannabe, there mainly so the second half of the film has something that could be loosely described as a plot, or at the very least someone for the new good guys we barely know or care about to battle in the last act. To be fair, the new characters aren't really a bad lot. Like their predecessors, these new Autobots all have very basic, but distinctive personalities to differentiate them from each other. Cup is the grouchy old timer, Blurr the hyperactive kid who needs to cut down on the caffeine, Springer the cool guy, Arcee the girl one, and so on. They're not complex and don't have much depth, but they're fun to hang out with for half an hour on a Saturday morning. The issue was never that the film introduced new characters, but the merciless disregard it had for all the previous ones fans liked.

That said, one of the film's biggest problems is Hot Rod, the closest thing it has to a protagonist. He feels like he was put together by a focus group to have maxim appeal to young boys. He's impulsive and reckless, rebels against authority, turns into a cool sports car with flames on it, is voiced by the criminal from The Breakfast Club, and is literally named Hot Rod. He isn't a character, he's a collection of cool teen cliches. And yet, all the elements are there for him to go on a classic hero's journey where he learns to grow up and become a responsible leader. Too bad that never really happens. Hot Rod doesn't become the new leader because he proved himself, he never really does anything to earn it, the position is literally handed to him by sheer chance.

Optimus wanted Ultra Magnus to succeed him because he's the second in command, also turns into a truck, and at least seems to be an effective leader that everyone listens to and respects, despite Magnus' own reluctance and instances that he's just a soldier. So why does the film decide that Hot Rod is more worthy of leading the Autobots than him? Best reason it can come up with is that Hot Rod catches the Matrix first and it imprints on him. That is literally it. If Blurr had caught it would he have become leader instead? What's even more baffling is that, once he becomes leader, it was decided his vehicle mode should be switched from cool sports car to “van owner suffering a serious midlife crisis”.

Notes and Quotes

--Dying leaders handing out strange orbs really is no basis for a system of government.

--The film is kinder to the Decepticons than the Autobots. Instead of being killed off, they just get fancy sci-fi makeovers.

--The bigger budget meant a more starry cast (Eric Idle, Judd Nelson, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Stack, and Welles), none of whom returned for the TV series. Peter Cullen didn't get listed in the open credits for voicing Optimus.

--As a kid I owned Cup, Ultra Magnus, Galvatron, Rodimus Prime, Cyclonus, Scourge, and Wreck-Gar. I always wanted Springer and Blurr, but never got them.

--The soundtrack is one of the most 80s things you will ever hear, yet I still have a soft spot for Stan Bush's two tracks.

--Welles died just a few days after recording his lines.

--Hot Rod and Arcee are very flirty in this, but nothing ever comes of it.

--Jazz, Cliffjumper and Bumblebee survive the great Autobot purge, but would have much smaller roles in the third season. Jazz became a silent background character as Scatman Crothers passed away not long after the film's release.

Springer: “I've got better things to do tonight than die.”

Megatron: “No more, Optimus Prime! Grant me mercy, I beg of you!”
Optimus Prime: “You, who are without mercy, now plead for it? I thought you were made of sterner stuff!”

Hot Rod: “I never thought I'd be so happy to see those big bozos.”
Grimlock: “Me Grimlock no bozo! Me king!”

Ninety minutes of toy company executives snatching away your favourite toys, smashing them in front of you, and then changing you for the experience. And yet still a hell of a lot better than all the Michael Bay films. ⭐⭐

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Mark Greig has been writing for Doux Reviews since 2011 More Mark Greig

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