Glee: Audition

"I've never had balls in my mouth. Have you?" - Sam

Welcome back, Gleeks! I hope that your summer was as fun as tonight's season premier was. I have to admit, I was pretty nervous at how it would be - Glee was completely bipolar last year, and I was kinda concerned that it'd become such a hit that it'd just be too full of itself.

But if the aptly named "Auditions" is any indication, we're in for a fun ride. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised at how low-key, yet so very Glee, the premier ep was. So let's get started with the first Gleecap of the school year.

Initial first reactions:

-- Seriously, Lea Michele has lost waaaaay too much weight. Not digging it. Not a fan of the bangs either, but I don't hate them like some people seem to.

-- Also didn't love the music choices. Low key good, and performances good, but I don't think I'll be downloading all of the songs anymore.

-- Oh, Sue, Sue, Sue - how much I've missed you. Especially now that you have an even more nonsensical nemesis. (Let's admit it, Will was never much of a match for you.)

When I was reading all the casting news in the spring and summer, I was like, "uh oh." A lot of shows - I'm looking at you, Lost! - have been tanked by expanding an already large cast, to the point that no one gets adequate story lines, and the viewers can't connect with the key characters.

Now that I've seen it, though, I'm giving Ryan & Co. a thumbs up for reinventing the show, while staying true to its roots. Casting Charice, Chord Overstreet (is that really his name????), and Dot-Marie Jones as Rachel, Finn, and Sue's respective rivals and mirrors was an ingenious way to set up the year.

Now, onto the scores!

The Good:

-- Can I just say again how much I love the character of Coach Bieste? She was seriously laugh out loud funny. +5 points because she looks like Ken Tanaka with lipstick; add another 5 because I'm pretty sure she's wearing his clothes from last season.

-- Plus, she makes even less sense than Sue ("You're all coffee and no omelet.") AND she refers to herself in the 3rd person. Now you know how the rest of us feel, Sue. +10

-- Bonus points for making her actually sensitive, and not just another Sue - 10 points.

-- The Brittany doll? Hysterical - plus 2.

-- I have to say that the opening sequence was completely brilliant. It was funny, incorporated classic Glee elements (slushee!), and completely tongue in cheek. My favorite parts: Jacob interrogating Mr. Schue on the rapping, and comparing his song choices to "a drag queen's iPod." Looks like Ryan reads the boards after all - +25.

-- God bless the return of Kurt's wardrobe - plus 5.

-- God bless the unveiling of Other Asian's abs. Can we see more abs and less dancing? Plus 2.

-- Speaking of dancing, damn, Brittany can dance. I don't know about her singing, but she is amazing - plus 2.

-- Tina and Mike fell in love at Asian Camp - plus 5. Only because these things really exist. When I was growing up, every Taiwanese high schooler I knew hooked up with someone on The Love Boat.

-- Loved "Telephone", although I was afraid Rachel was going to attack Sunshine - plus 2.

-- Charice. Man, that girl can sing. I like Lea Michele's voice, but I've always thought it was a bit on the sharp side. Charice has soul and depth, something I seriously appreciate being an alto. And her rendition of "Listen"? I literally got goosebumps. Plus 15.

-- Favorite moment of the night: Quinn tying her ponytail, and reclaiming her rightful place as Queen walking down the hall in her Cheerios outfit. I love me a good strut - plus 10.

-- Will and Sue, conspiring together? Plus 10.

The Ehn...

-- "Empire State of Mind" - while I liked the staging, esp the costumes and Kurt's Salt-n-Peppa hair, it felt awkward. The song wasn't vibrant enough to grab my attention. Minus 5.

-- And I don't know about that "Billionaire" number either. But that might be because I was so distracted by the new kid's mouth - minus 10. The Bieber cut also really doesn't help - minus 2.

-- Seriously, Sam has a big mouth. I can't get over it - minus another 10.

-- I liked the closing number, but haven't we heard Rachel sing this one already? Minus 10 for lack of imagination, but recoup 2 for a great performance.

-- I am so not into Lea Michele right now. She's too skinny, and I will admit, my opinion of Rachel has been influenced by Michele's off-screen diva behavior. Sorry. No deductions.

-- Finn not on the football team? It'll probably make for interesting storytelling, but I'm not pleased - minus 5.

-- Tina dumping Artie for Mike? Other Asian having enough of a storyline to justify a name? Minus 15.

-- Poop cookies? Ewwwww. Minus 5.

-- Finn's Cheerios audition was so good, it was bad. Really a plus 20, I was laughing my *** off.

And the total is... Oh, who cares? I can't add, and it clearly came out on top. I realized as I was writing this that I liked the ep a lot more than I didn't.

Quotes:

Sue: "The two of you are making a mistake, the likes of which have not been seen since the Mexicans sold Manhattan to George Washington for an upskirt photo of Betsy Ross."

Brittany: "Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I wanna touch her boobs."

Sue: "You're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid, so when it collapses, your exploding sandbags will keep everyone safe from injury."

Sue: "A person that has to pump her naughties full of gravy to feel good about herself clearly doesn't have the self-esteem to be my head cheerleader."

Puck: "Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?"
Sam: "I don't know. I've never had balls in my mouth. Have you?"

Tina: "You ignored me for weeks this summer."
Artie: "I was playing a marathon game of Halo, woman!"

Santana: "My eyes are up here, Jew fro."

So, "Audition" didn't have me jumping up and down with, er, glee, but it was a solid start to the sophomore season. While I am hoping that we'll have more kick-me-in-the-head amazing eps, in all honesty, I'd probably be happier with more even storytelling. And I ain't gonna lie - I love Britney, and I am sooooo looking forward to next week's ep!

2.5 out of 4 tennis balls.

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