by Billie Doux
This episode completely changed the way I see Lorna Morello.
Morello's backstory was framed by Poussay's invention of something that already exists -- a device that allows women to pee standing up -- and included a lot of hilarious but ultimately sad discussion of how ignorant most women are of the details of their own anatomy. I wonder if the whole hole thing was supposed to illustrate a basic lack of knowledge about oneself? Morello certainly doesn't seem to realize what is wrong with her relationship with Christopher.
Most of the previous flashbacks have shown us the person we pretty much thought we'd find, but not this time. Morello is freaking looney tunes. She sees herself as the suffering star of a romantic movie who will wind up living happily ever after in the end. Why did she become fixated on that poor schmuck Christopher? Because he looked exactly like the guy in the cardigan that she had on her "wall of weird" wedding collage? Because they "met cute" like Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant in Notting Hill?
Christopher made the mistake of asking a pretty woman out for a cup of coffee, and ended up with a lunatic stalker who tried to blow up his fiancee's car. I was actually a bit freaked by the scene in the courtroom where Morello, wearing a blouse with a chain motif (Most Obvious Symbolism there) stared adoringly at Christopher, who was testifying about all the terrible things she'd done to him. And then she ransacked Christopher's house while wandering around in a wedding veil like Miss Havisham. All I could think of was that Nicky was lucky that Morello dropped her.
The unwanted lover theme continued when we discovered that Poussey is in love with Taystee, who doesn't reciprocate. When Poussey refused to line up with Vee's demand to brew hooch for profit, Vee went to work turning Taystee against Poussey. Vee was revolted by the "hole" discussion in the mess hall; is she a prude, or a homophobe, or both? Or was it just revenge? I guess it doesn't matter. The important thing was that I just hated seeing Taystee shutting out Poussey. So wrong.
And then we had Piper trying to sell Soso to Big Boo for Miss Claudette's blanket. That turned out funny instead of sad, since Soso couldn't stop talking even while having sex with Nicky, who is now actively competing with Big Boo for sexual conquests.
Piper was understandably horrified at the possibility of having Soso as a roomie. Fortunately, she got Red, who hasn't had a roommate in twelve years. It was sweet how quickly the two of them bonded. Piper is feeling abandoned by Larry and her family. Red is strongly feeling her lack of status and the loss of Gina and Norma, so she's trying to figure out how to get it all back. She saw an old, ratty greenhouse as a window of opportunity. What is Red up to? Smuggling, or escape?
-- Why is Morello in prison? Was it the mail fraud or the explosives?
-- Morello called herself Cinderella, went to see Twilight repeatedly, and had a West Side Story poster on her wall.
-- Miss Rosa was bank robber. How delightful. She was married twice and thinks she's cursed, and resigned to the fact that she's going to die in prison. Chemo is bad enough, but doing it as a prisoner must be double the misery.
-- Susan the nice guard didn't even notice that Morello was damp around the edges and acting guilty. Maybe Susan isn't that good a CO, after all.
-- When Piper returned to the dorms, she was outraged that all of her stuff had been appropriated. What did she think would happen?
-- Larry and Polly are acting all couple-y. Maybe they're made for each other. "I loved playing house with you today." Ick.
-- I loved Sophia in this episode. When she was pointing out the highlights of her diagram, check out O'Neill's stunned face. Hilarious.
-- One of the Golden Girls, Jimmie, appears to have dementia. What happens to the elderly in prison? I honestly never thought about it before.
-- I particularly liked how Red played Caputo like a fiddle, using his interest in plants to get what she wanted.
-- Suzanne has a new do. It's more flattering, but I miss the knobs.
Vee: "Hooch, huh?"
Suzanne: "Yeah. Shit tastes nasty. It's like vomit wine coolers. You got Kool-Aid, old fruit, ketchup and moldy bread."
Taystee: "I thought you said it was a whole other hole."
Poussey: "It's a hole in a hole."
Sophia: "For the love of god, girls, the hole is not inside the hole."
Sophia: "I designed one myself. Had plans drawn up and everything. I've seen some funky punani in my time. I wasn't going to leave that shit to chance."
She designed her own genitalia. Why not?
Big Boo: "Enough with the cliterference."
Nicky: "Some people collect buttons or Taco Bell chihuahuas. I collect orgasms."
Soso: "Wow. I didn't expect the bunks to feel so dormy. Kinda reminds me of camp, you know, except without the gimp bracelets and the archery and kinda sad…"
Piper: (to new roomie Red) "What are you gonna do? Not feed me?"
Black Cindy: "Fine, Inspector Gadget."
Piper: "Inspector Gadget was not a good detective. He just had a lot of stuff. Plus he had Penny and the Brain helping him."
You just don't expect stuff like this to come out of Piper's mouth, and that makes it funnier.
Kid: "I thought those were like comfy old lady chemo clothes."
Red: "People are fickle fucks."
Sister Ingalls: "What's she in for?"
Piper: "Some kind of political protest. You know, the two of you might have a lot to talk about."
Sister Ingalls: "I doubt that these bogus Bohemian babies have any idea what a nonviolent direct action is. Dirty fake hippies."
Wow. That was harsh, Sister.
Soso: "Everyone in here is in such a bad mood all the time."
Yeah. I can't imagine why.
Soso: "You tried to sell me for a blanket?"
Piper: "Well, when you put it that way…"
Best one so far this season. Four out of four cave systems,
Billie Doux is the founder of Doux Reviews and has been reviewing her favorite shows for quite some time. More Billie Doux.