Masters of the Universe (1987)

"People of Eternia, the war is over. My forces are victorious. The Sorceress of Greyskull is my prisoner, and her powers are now joined with mine! Let this be my first decree... those who do not pledge themselves to me shall be destroyed! The new age begins!"

Masters of the Universe is what happens when an overly ambitious film production company meets an overly cautious toy company.

In the late 80s, Mattel team up with the Cannon Group, a b-movie company that mainly specialised in low-budget action films, to make a live action adaptation of their popular He-Man and the Masters of the Universe toy range. Mattel wanted to boost flagging sales while the Cannon Group wanted to prove they could make expensive, FX heavy blockbusters. Problem was Mattel was slow to put up their share of the funding, and had a long list of stipulations for the filmmakers, while the Cannon Group quickly proved they didn't have the money, resources, or the know how to make expensive, FX heavy blockbusters. However, they did turn out be very good at cooking turkeys since they made this and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace at the exact same time.

I was a kid of the 80s and I watched He-Man so seeing this film for the first time was by far a very odd experience. Masters of the Universe is a He-Man movie in the only the very loosest sense. Some of the character and place names are the same so it can at least be legally classified as a He-Man movie, but it really isn't interested in being a faithful one because of the Peter Pan Syndrome, a marketing strategy devised by the people at American International Pictures. They concluded that the ideal target audience for a film is 19-year-old boys because younger children will watch anything older children will watch, but older children will not watch anything younger children will watch. He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was a goofy looking show for young kids. If this movie looked too much like a Saturday morning cartoon that might scare off that all important teen audience.

The film desperately tries, and fails spectacularly, to pull off that delicate balancing act of looking grown up enough that teens will want to see it, but not too grown up that it puts off younger kids from seeing it and wanting to buy more toys from Mattel. The teens were unimpressed by the generic sci-fi/fantasy look and all the poorly choreographed PG-13 violence, while the young kids were left wondering where Orko and Battle Cat were as their parents dragged them out during the scene where Skeletor can't hide how turned on he is at the sight of He-Man being whipped.

Even if the people who made this movie wanted it to be a faithful He-Man movie, it's fairly obvious that they didn't have enough money to make a He-Man movie. They had just enough to make one fifth of a He-Man movie, basically one throne room set and some location shooting at Vasquez Rocks, but that was it. Instead of seeing the capture of Castle Greyskull and the conquest of Eternia, we have to settle for lots of shots of Skeletor's soldiers randomly escorting POWs across the desert, often by one of those big ass hologram projectors so they can watch Skeletor make his speeches. Why they are all out in the middle of nowhere is a mystery. They also couldn't afford to do more than a few matte paintings shots of Eternia so most of them are just the same shot flipped to make them look like different ones, which would be less noticeable if this version of Castle Greyskull was symmetrical.

The rest of the movie is some bizarre fish out of water comedy (without the jokes) that takes place in some quiet part of California where everyone stays in doors after dark and the only place that stays open late is the local music store. There's just no money for random extras so when Skeletor lands a small invasion force in main street and starts shoots up the place, no one besides the main characters are around to see it. This place is also home to Monica Geller and Tom Paris, giving us the Friends and Star Trek: Voyager prequel crossover that no one was asking for or if they did, are now probably deeply regretting it.

Dolph Lundgren certainly had the necessary physique needed for a character like He-Man, which he got from doing weight-lifting and martial arts growing up alongside studying for his degrees in chemical engineering. He'd actually won a scholarship to MIT when he began working for Grace Jones as her bodyguard (and lover) which gave him a taste of the high life and he quit school to become an actor. He's fine so long as you just have him to stand there, look imposing, and deliver a single iconic line ("I must break you"), but give him a leading role with actual dialogue and he's as wooden as an oiled up willow tree.

The only thing that comes close to maybe saving this movie is the performance of its villains. Legend has it Frank Langella only took the role of Skeletor because his son was a huge fan of the show, but he had such a great time making it that he still considers this his favourite role. Like Raul Julia in Street Fighter, it's a hamtastic performance that this film just doesn't deserve. Meg Foster is also terrific as Evil-Lyn, the icy calm to Langella theatrical hurricane. Their toxic relationship is the most interesting part of the movie, but there just isn't enough of it to turn it into anything resembling a good movie.

Notes and Quotes

--How does Skeletor lose all his new powers just because He-Man breaks his staff?

--The credits are very Superman with Bill Conti doing a very obvious John Williams impression.

--Skeletor went through all that trouble to steal Gwildor's key to get into Greyskull, only for Gwildor to have a secret passage into the throne room behind his back wall.

--The lights go out during the final fight because they literally ran out of money and had to shoot on an empty set with just the two actors and a small crew.

--Christina Pickles (Sorceress) and Courtney Cox later played mother and daughter on Friends.

--Gwildor says he remembers the days when people didn't lock their doors and those days will come back. Odd attitude to have for someone who's a locksmith by trade.

--The makeup FX is okay so long as Gwildor doesn't speak and you don't get close enough to see Skeletor's nose.

--Multiple times during the movie no can pronounce Skeletor's name right.

--The filmmakers considered having Foster wear contacts to tone down her natural pale blue eyes, but decided they worked better for her character.

Skeletor: "Where are they? Where are your friends now? Tell me about the loneliness of good, He-Man. Is it equal to the loneliness of evil?"

Skeletor: "He-Man lives and possesses that key! I must possess all, or I possess nothing!"

Evil-Lyn: "After all this time, Greyskull is ours."
Skeletor: "NO! Mine."

He-Man: "When we find the Key, Gwildor will set the coordinates for Grayskull. We'll use the element of surprise..."
Duncan: "Oh, sure! We'll drop right into the throne room, fight off two or three thousand of Skeletor's crack troops, break into the force field and free the Sorceress."
He-Man: "Right!"

Evil-Lyn: "It would be a pity to waste their talents."
Skeletor: "Save your pity for yourself if you fail. Take them and whatever troops and resources you need."
Evil-Lyn: "I was not suggesting that I go."
Skeletor: "Then you should not have spoken. Leave immediately."

He-Man: "I HAVE!!! THE POWER!!!"

Despite some great villain performances, this is a colossal failure on almost every level and yet somehow still not the absolute worst movie based on a popular toy brand *glares at Michael Bay*. ⭐

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Mark Greig has been writing for Doux Reviews since 2011 More Mark Greig

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