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Smallville: Thirst

Chloe: "I defy anyone to tell the difference between a nascent vampire and a freshman girl with a hangover."

This episode was both very cool and unbelievably silly.

Let's start with the cool part first. I just loved my favorite Smallville actor interacting with my favorite Buffy actor. The scenes between Lex and Professor Fine crackled, and reminded me of how much I miss seeing James Marsters do his stuff every week. Lines were drawn, and no quarter given. Libel! Blackmail! Take that!

Fine is turning into a fascinating villain. It's hard to tell what he's up to, although I'm guessing that after the T-1000 scene, he's definitely bad. The question is, why did he save Chloe's life? To get in good with Clark? It certainly feels like he's after Lex, but is he really? And speaking of Lex, he and Clark were almost friendly again, but I don't think Lex is reverting to his better self. I noticed that Lex showed zero concern for Chloe, but perked up when Lana was mentioned.

The whole Daily Planet thing was fun, and now Chloe has a job there. Why Chloe, and not Lois? (Yes, I'm aware of the old theory that Chloe is going to be Lois, but I'm reserving judgment.) In the absence of Perry White, it was fun to see Princess Leia as Pauline Kahn. (As in Genghis? As in "Wrath of"?) Good for Chloe, standing up to her.

The rest of the episode was just a silly tribute to Buffy. We had:

— Buffy Sanders, who interestingly enough, looked a lot like Harmony.
— Frat houses and Halloween.
— Eating the pizza delivery boy.
— One of Clark's professors having a secret life as an evil genius.
— Chloe and Lana as roomies after getting rid of Chloe's "evil" roommate.
— Professor Fine: "Clark, there's no such thing as vampires."
— Kahn: "Tall tales about slaying Buffy the vampire don't make it into the pages of a real newspaper."

All in all, there was fun character development for Professor Fine, everyone got to wear black, and I laughed a lot. Yes, I didn't get my wish, they didn't stake Lana, but she got to do some cool heat vision stuff. You know what? Lana is better evil; it gives her some bite, pun intended. I want her with Lex. Like I haven't said that before.

Bits and pieces:

— "Project 1138" has to be a backhanded reference to George Lucas's THX 1138.

— Lana wants to major in astronomy? That's interesting in a Clark-being-an-alien context.

— I was halfway expecting one of the vamps to bite Clark and break her teeth.

— Interesting eye makeup that vampire Lana was wearing. And Lana implied that biting Clark was better than sex. Yes, he was a virgin, but come on, Lana, give him time.

— This week's fun Superman references: Clark says at first that he hates costumes, but then he says he likes the Zorro cape, but the mask slides around. Chloe also said at the end, "I had no place to go but up, up and away."

— This episode was written by Angel writer Steven DeKnight.

— What was with the long MTV thing at the end? Did the episode run short?


Lex advised Clark: "I don't think Fine is the friend you think he is." Pot, meet kettle.

Chloe: "Welcome to the Tri Psi Sorority House. I think that's Greek for bimbos, bikinis, and beer."

Chloe: "By the way, I changed the names to protect the vapid."

Professor Fine: "What if you found out that Lex Luthor, the 'emperor' of the company, was a dangerous, unstable megalomaniac, bent on destroying your world?"

Lana: "If you're going to be all needy and insecure, maybe we need to reevaluate this relationship." Yes, yes, yes.

Buffy: "You're a Tri Psi now, Lana. We eat boyfriends for breakfast."

Three out of four stakes. Er, stars.

Billie Doux had a love-hate relationship with Smallville, which is why some of her reviews are briefer than they should be.


  1. Although I'm with you on the hum-drum and annoying on-off relationship with Lana. . that 6:30 am scene was really cute and funny! Reactions to the time, stubbing the toe, Lana's joke (and Clark's reaction!) about staying for breakfast conversation, the music that starts up when they come down the stairs, and poor daddy Jonathan's facial expressions through the whole thing - it was a very enjoyable to watch. Probably my favorite Clark/Lana scene to date.

  2. Interestingly, the producers think this is the worst episode of the fifth season, and so did a commentary on the DVD to explain themselves. I felt it was a show of two halves, like you did. The Fine/Lex stuff (other than getting libel confused with slander) was fantastic; the vampire story less so.

  3. They used the actress for Rachel on the Animorphs TV show for this episode's "Buffy!" And Rachel actually kind of is a Buffy-esque character, pure badass.
    I thought the lesbian kiss/transition was possibly one of the hottest things ever, censoring it by moving over to the shadow display.
    I thought Vamped Lana being reluctant to kill Clark (I'd figure the special blood thing would convince her only to keep him alive and shackled as a cow of sorts but she jumped right to vamping him) was almost moving, along with the cured Lana apparently remembering the sensation of basically tasting his pure soul. Pretty hot too.
    And the Milton/Lex/Clark thing continues to be fascinating


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