"Practically everything. You, for example. Gold is heavy. Your weight in gold is not very much gold at all. Aren't you worth more than that?”
For Discworld book thirty-six, Moist Von Lipwig is back. He’s done a great job with the post office, but he’s bored with the mundane aspects of simply running the place instead of saving it. Enter the Patrician with an offer you can refuse, but only if you’re fine with never getting another offer from anyone ever again.
The Patrician wants Moist to help at the Ankh-Morpork mint. Unlike the post office was before Moist worked his magic, the mint does function, but not very well, and it does feature its own bizarre array of characters, in a vein similar to the post office’s motley crew. Vetinari is such a scary but fun character throughout the novels, but there’s something about how he interacts with characters like Moist that make his larger-than-life personality even more apparent. He’s such an unusual and fascinating take on a tyrant. Everything he does is meant to make the city function, more than any kind of personal gain. I can’t think of any character with this much power in any story, show, or movie I’ve experienced that matches the vibe he gives off. You really have to encounter it for yourself to get the full depth of this absolutely fantastic character.
Moist is reluctant to take the mint as he finds that the Lavish family that runs it is a hot mess. He got on well with Topsy Lavish (nee Turvy in a nice pun), although she saw right through his conman veneer, and her dog Mister Fusspot liked him as well. While he is bored with the position of Postmaster since everything is running smoothly now, he still turns the Patrician down, until he can’t. Early on in our story, Mrs. Lavish dies at her desk and leaves him a letter that promises very good or very bad luck for the hapless Moist, all while being humorously polite. The gist of this letter is that he must take care of Mister Fusspot and live at the bank or else.
Mister Fusspot has a 1% share in the bank and Mrs. Lavish has 50%, which is how she was chairwoman, since he was her dog. With her death, Mister Fusspot now has 51% of the shares of the bank so is officially the chair-canine of the bank, and since Moist is in charge of the dog, he is essentially in charge of the bank now. This does not sit well with some people, but especially other members of the Lavish family, and none more than Cosmo and Pucci Lavish.
Cosmo Lavish is an oddball. He’s trying so hard to copy Lord Vetinari that it’s genuinely disturbing. He even buys a device to help him give the same kind of single cocked eyebrow that the Patrician does, which I imagine is much like the original Spock’s ‘fascinating’ eyebrow that we know and love. When he can’t buy Moist out of the bank, the family demands he do something, even as they argue with each other in downright vicious and comical ways. He starts off in bad shape, and his condition grows steadily worse as the book progresses, and all while being something of the main villain.
Pucci features less than her brother, but she’s a nasty piece of work as well, although she also lacks Cosmo’s insanity, she makes up for it with viciousness and lack of tact. They have a lot of hatred for each other, but they love the bank and their own wealth more than they despise each other and save even more of their ire for Moist. She’s also a villain here, but she’s also her own worst enemy to boot.
Adora Belle returns and she easily earns her nickname of ‘Spike’ here. Moist proposed to her back in "Going Postal," but her reply was ‘Not right now.’ We discover that they are in fact betrothed but on her terms. She’s a great character in that she is described as very attractive, but she smokes like mad, and she uses her four-inch heels to great effect when she’s angry. Moist is a brilliant conman and can win almost anyone over, but she is the one that determines the pace of their relationship and she’s an enjoyable character on her own but is so much better when they’re together. Her role as head of the Golem Trust is more important here than ever, and an interesting translation error about some ancient golems becomes a highly important plot point as well.
Another key character is Malvolio Bent. He’s quite an odd one that is fastidious with his numbers and practically lives at the bank. He lacks a sense of humor which is a problem when dealing with someone like Moist, but this isn’t just that he isn’t funny, he has a condition called Nichtlachen-Keinwortz Syndrome, which means he literally has no sense of humor. The various clerks he oversees fear his green correction pen, as he points out their errors, and errors irk him to an unnatural degree.
The bank is so very strange as well. It features a massive cavern for its main mint where various sheds dot the chamber, but the central feature of the bank’s underworking’s is the Glooper, a complex glass contraption with fluids flowing through it that represent all the money in Ankh-Morpork. The mad genius behind it is Hubert Turvy, Topsy Lavish’s nephew, so of course he also brings an Igor with him. Hubert is socially awkward but devoted to the Glooper and he has some amazing mad laughter at times in the book, which fits both having an Igor and since is from Uberwald, it brings those classic horror movies back in its own, limited way as well.
Moist has to deal with all this madness to work his magic here on the bank, just like he did for the post office, but despite his largely forgettable face and his assumed name that had died at the gallows when the Patrician put him charge of the post office, he has some of his past resurface here, and his enemies are more than happy to avail themselves of this opportunity, further complicating the situation he is in. And of course, the staff of the Times and especially Sacharissa Crisplock with her investigative reporting and her ever-present notebook don’t make his job any easier.
One character that I feel needs special mention is Harry King. We’ve seen him before, and he was crucial to the success of The Ankh-Morporkian Times back in the sublime "The Truth." He returns here to help Moist and the bank appeal to more people and move with the times. Harry is rich, but he got his money through actually getting stuff done. You do not want to be on his bad side, although he’s generally jovial barring his interactions with most of the older and wealthier families that look down on him since he makes most of his money via his collection of industries that deal with waste. If you need your privy cleaned, rotted out basement emptied, or other nastier services rendered, Harry and his network of workers that don’t mind slop and excrement is your guy. If not for him, Moist would have had an even more difficult time than usual, and he’s one of those characters that don’t immediately come to mind when you think of the Disc, but he’s excellent all the same.
Another great volume of the Disc and the second time we get to follow Moist Von Lipwig. He’s a great character that reminds me somewhat of the Han Solo archetype, a rogue and risk-taker that isn’t a bad person deep down, but he lives for challenges and thrills, and pines for them when his life lacks them, and this does not always endear him to the powers that be. While this volume of the Disc isn’t quite as good as "Going Postal," where we first met Moist, it’s still a great read and one I can easily recommend.
3.8125 canine bank chairs out of 4.
Some fun quotes:
Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot's mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.
Building a temple didn't mean you believed in gods, it just meant you believed in architecture.
Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.
Morella is a Gen Xer who likes strange things a bit too much.
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