by Mark Greig
Oh dear, that wasn’t all that good, was it?
This episode finally revealed what happened to Bo during the weeks she was missing. If you came looking for even semi-satisfying answers to any of your questions then I’m afraid you’ll probably be left bitterly disappointed. So what did happen to Bo on the train? Well, Bo arrived and Rainer moaned. She asked questions and he didn’t really answer any of them. Then there was a bit with a butterfly and the next thing you know they’re in love and plotting his escape and the deaths of the Una Mens. To quote the great Caroline Forbes, “Seriously?”.
I came away from this episode more confused than ever. The flashbacks failed to explain anything that is going on and only succeeded in making me mad. Mad at the show and mad at the writers for what they are doing to it and to Bo. Is she being controlled in some way or have the writers simply decided to make her dumb for the sake of the story? It wouldn’t be the first time they’ve made her a complete moron because the narrative demanded it. It is annoying seeing our heroine acting this way. Why is she so convinced that Rainer is her destiny? Bo has never believed in destiny before. She's always been a "no fate but what we make for ourselves" kind of woman. And yet now she’s doing whatever this guy says and distancing herself from her friends.
Maybe I wouldn’t be so mad if Rainer had turned out to be at least a tiny bit interesting. Are they seriously expecting us to buy that Bo would choose this guy over Lauren or Dyson or Tamsin? Hell, over Kenzi?!!! Don’t make me laugh. Honestly, Rainer gives new meaning to the word bland. He has zero personality (I’ve seen lampposts with more character) and no chemistry whatsoever with Bo, which is rare because Anna Silk usually has chemistry with everyone. I’ve seen a lot of unconvincing romantic pairings in my time but this one takes the biscuit.
At least the Una Mens are now all dead. They were a naff set of villains and I for one am certainly not going to miss them. Is that what this was about, killing the Una Mens to take all their power? If so, who has that last magic seed? Whoever they are they did not look to be in the best of condition. Could it be Rainer? His pretty boy appearance may just be a charade and his real appearance more gruesome, like that picture of the dragon horse thing Trick was looking at a while back.
With the arc plot becoming more terrible by the minute, the mermaid plotline actually turned out to be the highlight of the episode. It was basic case of the week fluff and beyond silly -- mermaids stealing human legs so they can be part of our world -- but unlike the rest of the episode it made sense and didn’t once make me want to throw a shoe at the TV in frustration. Plus it was laugh out loud hilarious at times. Kenzi’s glee at meeting mermaids was just adorable, as was Dyson's seething hatred of them (he and Regina “Fillet the bitch” Mills would get along).
Fae of the Week
I don't think I need to explain what mermaids are.
Notes and Quotes
--I take it Kenzi is a massive Little Mermaid fan.
--They were fooling no one with that red herring of an opening scene.
--It is still not clear if Rainer is the true Wanderer or not. You know what, I don’t even care anymore.
--Remember kids, fresh water is just as effective on mermaids as it is on wicked witches.
--How many women were brought to the train before Bo?
--No Tamsin or Hale this week and only a brief appearance by Trick.
--Did Kenzi steal Lauren's panties from her drawer or off her person? If it's the latter then that is damn impressive, a skill I'm sure Bo will wish to learn when she finally comes to her senses.
Kenzi: "If this goes Aliens I am Sigourney Weaver-ing outta there."
Kenzi: "I have lied awake at night my entire life thinking of the marvellous mer-day when I would meet a fin-flapping seashell bra wearing Daryl Hannah."
Lauren: "What is it Dyson? A flesh eater?"
Dyson: "Worse. Mermaids!"
Kenzi: "For a species without assholes you sure act like ones."
Dyson: "Flowers for my favourite doctor comin' up!"
Rainer: "What if I'm a monster? What then?"
Bo: "Then I'll kill you myself."
--Can we get that in writing?
Two out of four singing crabs.
Mark Greig has been writing for Doux Reviews since 2011. More Mark Greig.