by Billie Doux
As Polly gave birth on the outside and Maria gave birth on the inside, Larry gave birth to a New York Times article and Piper almost figured out how to fix an industrial clothes dryer.
There's a basic unfairness about Larry writing a story about Piper and getting fame and and a bit of fortune and having a party with all their friends, while she got nothing. To her credit, she did try to be happy for him. And she didn't even get to read it herself. (Healy's cruelty in throwing the paper out and pouring coffee on it was a huge clue that Piper is now on his shit list.)
On the plus side, there was that long romantic conversation between Piper and Alex when Alex was trapped in the dryer. By the end of the episode, they were holding hands. Can hot sex in the chapel be far behind? I like Piper a lot more now than I did at the beginning of the series. That's a good thing. Of course, it'll be a whole new ball game when Piper finds out Alex gave her name. And you know it'll happen.
Although the dryer scenes were delightful, the real drama was taking place elsewhere. Pornstache tried to use poor Tricia's withdrawal to bring Red into line, and Nicky got caught in the middle. Nicky backed Red's ultimatum that two strikes are out and forced Tricia to give herself up, but anger mixed with compassion for Tricia made Nicky tell Pornstache exactly what he wanted to know.
All this was accompanied by more Red flashbacks that certainly made it look like she was more involved with the mob than I thought at first. Plus there was that upsetting scene where Pornstache tried to force Morello to tell him how Red was smuggling in contraband. I was certain Pornstache was going to hurt Morello. So was Morello, who was terrified but refused to talk, anyway. Best Morello scene yet.
To tie in with the baby theme, there was a flashback to Piper three months ago finding out she wasn't pregnant, and after seeing Maria's unspoken anguish when she returned without her baby, it was a good thing, too. Giving up a baby would have destroyed Piper as it did Maria, and I don't see Larry as a successful single father.
And because we didn't get quite enough with the baby theme, Daya discovered she was pregnant, too. (I assume some time has passed and it's Bennett's? Has he never heard of condoms?) Mama Aleida was actually kind to both Maria and Daya this time. I guess she isn't a complete and total loss.
-- I love Piper with Miss Claudette. That Michael Jackson maxipad thing was so cute.
-- Taystee is getting out. Apparently the terrible hairdo worked.
-- Nicky's butch repairman scene when she and Piper entered the laundry room was pretty funny as well as too raunchy to quote.
-- Norma the voiceless is afraid of the spin cycle.
-- Tricia is only 19.
-- Did Caputo know that Pornstache was the one bringing in the drugs? If so, why isn't he doing something about it?
-- Most of the inmates had the flu.
-- The broken dryer in the laundry room had a name: Myra.
-- "One Sentence, Two Prisoners" is indeed a lousy title. It also made Larry more pitiable than he deserved.
Crazy Eyes: "I got mad control over my epiglottis."
Miss Claudette: "I look like Michael Jackson."
Piper: "I think you got the wrong skin tone. I look like Michael Jackson."
Piper: "If I get the closest to birthtime, I could win a Twix. I want to make an educated guess."
Piper: "Mind over mucus, huh."
Nicky: "Yeah, that and I stockpile from commissary. I'm on a cough syrup cocktail that would make Lil Wayne vomit in his dreads."
Piper: "You're laundry. I'm electric. We're from different worlds."
Alex: "So Wanda Bell? You might remember her as the blood-sucking dragon cunt? She works up front, eats souls for fun?"
So beautifully descriptive. I knew just who Alex meant.
Pornstache: "Nobody else gets through this gate? No suspicious delivery guy? No shady-looking mook in a fucking tampon truck?"
Guard: "There's creepy linens dude, and the dry goods lady, the vegetable people… sounds like a horror movie, doesn't it? The vegetable people? Like a giant celery serial killer carrying a machete, or broccoli lighting shit up with a flame thrower… who's a smoothie now, bitches?"
The guard was reading Stephen King. Nice touch.
Healy: "A couple of years ago, we found two women naked from the waist down, sitting on those dryers for their own amusement. You wouldn't happen to have been doing anything like that?"
Alex: "I'm more of a dishwasher kind of gal, sir."
Piper: "Sometimes you just need to look away."
Larry: "It's a baby. You have to say it's amazing. I mean, you can't say, it's amazing how much it looks like John Goodman."
P.A. "Clean ladies are healthy ladies."
Three out of four giant celery serial killers,
Billie Doux is the founder of Doux Reviews and has been reviewing her favorite shows for quite some time. More Billie Doux.