My Wife the Cylon

A brief story about watching TV will help you at unexpected moments and how your husband will tease you afterwards.

My wonderful wife is what I describe as a born-again nerd. She used to be cool, I mean really cool. I have seen pictures of her from her days in Boston and San Diego in the early and mid-nineties, and she so would not have even given me the time of day. This alone is a measure of her hip-ocity (calculated using the Rat Pack formula with the Roddenberry constant for my nerd score, she would (in today's terms) score somewhere between Beyonce and that girl who isn't Willow on "How I met your Mother", if that helps.). Fortunately, when she met me she had begun her long decline into nerdiness (she was in graduate school in Texas which is categorically not cool). Anyway, we hooked up and I got her watching Buffy and Angel. Before long, she was watching Enterprise and checking to see what movies were showing on SciFi. Its an old story, hanging around outside comic book stores at two in the morning trying to score a pair of Spock ears (oh wait, I may have made up that last one).

Well, the recent birth of our lovely second daughter gave her to the opportunity to officially surpass me in the realm of the geekazoid. You see we had our daughter at a birth center as opposed to a hospital, midwife attending, no doctor and no drugs. Okay, I know A) that's not geeky, possibly granola, some may even say a little crazy, but not nerdy, and B) why am I reading this in an essay about Cylons? Patience, young Padawan, all will be revealed in due course.

Anyway, with no drugs, certain other pain relief techniques need to be employed. Specifically, Sue used a form of self-hypnosis in which she projected herself into a forest glen and onto a hill overlooking a sandy beach and the sea. We also employed what they refer to as the Maternity Center epidural, the Jacuzzi tub, so that she could float in warm soothing water. All went well, I was there the whole time but unlike the first time which was characterized for me by a combination of stark terror and total exhaustion, this was... well... kind of boring. Sue would stare at her finger for a moment and then drop it into the water and lay there, over and over again. The next morning we were home with our lovely daughter Claire and Sue was in remarkably good shape. I asked her how she did it and she said, "I kept thinking over and over, I'm just like a Cylon floating around here in this tub." After recovering from the coffee shooting out my nose, I told her that this officially beat the time I actually used frak as a curse word. She told me she didn't actually think she was a Cylon, but kept thinking this must be what they were talking about when she saw the show the other night. I keep telling her that I don't think she is one of the missing five, but ya never know and I am not messing with anyone who pushes babies out of her body without pain killers.

Further nonsense can be found at: http://sirpurpleduck.livejournal.com/