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The X-Files: Schizogeny

Case: A suburban teen is the prime suspect in the strange murder of his stepfather.

Destination: Coats Grove, Michigan

You guys, the trees are really killer in this episode. Ha! I crack myself up. ('Schizogeny' ranks in the bottom 20 for me, so prepare for self-amusement ahead.) If only the image above, which is very cool, weren't pretty much the best thing in the episode. (Unless you've been longing to hear the 90s 'tribal' soundtrack from 'Detour' again, in which case, this is your jam.)

Really, there's just a lot of 90s teen angst here. And it has a name... Bobby Rich (Chad Lindberg). And it's directed towards parents, teachers and authority figures, because you guys, teens are really bad and they're confusing and morose. Really though, they're just misunderstood! But wait, there's a semi-sensitive abuse theme, too (that Scully inexplicably holds onto throughout) that gets thrown aside, though it was never actualized in any real way so who cares, right? It's so bad! And there's one very f-ed up mental health care professional who is terrible at her job. Like seriously, THE WORST. There are gruesome deaths that make no actual sense and a story that tells the audience everything in the teaser then acts like there's still a mystery to solve. I mean the writing is atrocious. There's not much more to say, so here are some pictures.

Okay. There is something else great here besides that single iconic creepy pretty tree grove image... very great! Look who I found!

Hi. I'm 12.
Katharine ‘Ginger Snaps Margot Verger’ Isabelle who happens to also be the daughter of The X-Files head production designer Graeme Murray. (Oh, Hollywood.) Katherine plays the other 'bad seed' here, Lisa, the ying to Bobby's yang. Except it's not that deep. Because nothing is except for the roots, people, THE ROOTS that hold people captive while they suffocate in mud. Sound ridiculous? It's because IT IS! And you know what? That's not even the half of it.

But when all else fails, Mulder and Scully continue to look gorgeous. And that's never a bad thing. In fact, despite the weird, contrived, cliche-riddled mess of a story that does nothing for anyone involved, the two manage to glow.

"I do not gaze at Agent Scully." (Yes, you do.)
Even in two sets of shoulder pads, I own this room in every way imaginable.
And, in Mulder's case, even fire off a few funny unexpected moments. Such as when Mulder climbs a tree (there is literally no reason for this whatsoever which makes it that much better).

"Hey, Scully, is this display of boyish agility doing anything to turn you on?"

Or, my personal favorite, when Bobby is being interrogated, for no reason that makes any sense at all, Mulder barges in with an evidence bag and when Boddy asks what he has, Mulder points to the bag and runs his finger along the word while he says, 'Evidence." If Mulder is normally a 7 on the flippant meter, this maneuver is a 92.

Even the cop behind him is like that's pretty sassy for an FBI agent.
Anyway, I'd never begrudge an iconic show such as this one a few unfortunate episodes. It happens to the best of them. So...

Final Analysis: Watch and swoon over the pretty actors or skip it. Either way, you won't be worse for the wear.


  1. Brilliant review Heather! I LOLed throughout. Also, thank you for explaining why Chad Lindberg always looks irritatingly familiar when he turns up on Supernatural.

  2. Definitely a fun read. Thanks, Heather. I'd completely forgotten this one. I wonder why? :)

  3. Juliette and Billie,
    Thank you for reading the review! I am thinking I will adopt this format for the episodes in the near and distant future that have some, er, issues. :)
    Juliette --Chad Lindberg has definitely made the rounds over the years! And in his own apathetic way, is very memorable!

  4. I've been putting off the re-watch of this episode, but reading your review made it worth it. Great job!


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