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Doctor Who: Timelash

“Save your breath for the Timelash, Doctor. Most people depart with a scream.”

Boy, he isn’t kidding.

‘Timelash’ is bad. Really bad! You just won’t believe how unbelievably bad it really is. There’s not a single redeemable feature about the entire enterprise. Everyone involved in its creation has since disowned it in a futile effort to avoid responsibility. It’s further evidence that Colin Baker’s entire tenure as the Doctor was nothing more than an unforgiving pit of despair and creative bankruptcy.

‘Timelash’ (or ‘Lame Shit’ to use its popular anagram) encapsulates everything that was wrong about Doctor Who in the mid 80s in one tawdry little package; terrible sets, horrid over lighting, horrendous special effects, lifeless direction, lousy scripts, dreadful acting, boring bad guys, needless continuity references and a thoroughly unlikable Doctor and companion. Baker continues to be more a pompous and arrogant git than a lovable rebel Time Lord.

Perhaps this story’s greatest sin is in turning one of the fathers of science fiction into a total berk who swiped all his best ideas from the Doctor. The inclusion of H.G. Wells, or ‘Herbert’, serves no purpose other than to have someone else around to annoy the Doctor while Peri is locked up by the Borad. He is simply one of the most irritating guest characters to ever appear in Doctor Who.

Paul Darrow, by his own admission, plays the whole thing like he’s practising for a truly terrible production of Richard III. At least you can say he seems to be having some fun. Everyone else is just stiff and lifeless. I’ve seen brick walls that were more animated than this lot. But its not all doom and gloom, there’s… err… well, what about the… erm… there’s the… ahhh… hmmm… I’ll get back to you on that one.

Notes and Quotes

--Peri is rather conservatively dressed for once with absolutely no cleavage on display.

--Jon Pertwee makes a surprise cameo (sort of).

--Paul Darrow had previously appeared as a UNIT soldier in ‘The Silurians’.

--The Borad is sent back to 12th century Scotland. The Doctor speculates that it will become the Loch Ness Monster, which contradicts 'Terror of the Zygons'.

Herbert: "It’s science… fiction."
Oh, piss off, Herbert.

Herbert: "Avaunt thee, foul fanged fiend."
The Doctor: "I can assure you I'm not that long in the tooth, and neat blood brings me out in a rash."
Herbert: "Back from where you came, spirit of the glass."
The Doctor: "Not just yet, if you don't mind."

Tekker: "The stories I've heard about you. The great Doctor, all knowing and all powerful. You're about as powerful as a burnt out android."

The Doctor: "The waves of time wash us all clean."

The Borad: "Choose your next words carefully, Doctor. They could be your last."

Zero out of four terrible productions of Richard III.
Mark Greig is mad as hell and he's not going to take this anymore More Mark Greig


  1. "Peri is rather conservatively dressed for once with absolutely no cleavage on display."

    So it really was a total loss!

    That would be like a lame Matt Smith episode where Karen Gillan also wore an ankle length dress. Why bother?

  2. The Borad's makeup was quite good and Paul Darrow's overacting was hilarious, but the rest of this one? Bottom 10 for you Timelash! From the goofy looking android to how disappointing the actual Timelash looks, this one's a stinker!


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