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Forever Knight: Dead Issue

“Last one undressed is a rotten sardine.”

Nick can’t stop digging into a forbidden case, all while remembering that one time he was a model for Hieronymus Bosch. This episode is memorable because it brings in a goofy cast of side characters, and it's a shame they didn't stick around.

"Dead Issue" opens up with the most ridiculous sexy scene I’ve ever watched. If you grew up in the 80s and 90s, you know TV shows had to try and make things hot without making things too hot. Why? Because we had to watch everything with the entire household at the same time. The TV shows tried really hard to be sexy without offending anyone, and the results could be pretty hilarious.

Take this episode. A flirty woman takes a man home, and he kisses her on a table as she peels off her coat. So far so good. Then she utters the line that’s become infamous in my home: “Last one undressed is a rotten sardine.”

To be honest, I want to give that actress an award for staying in character during the dirty talk even though she had to say something kids yell on their way to the pool.

The case is kicked off when the guy she’s trying to screw has this amazingly kinky thing to try. He actually promises that his new kink is even hotter than watching porn together. She’s willing to try, but freaks out when he starts choking the hell out of her because he doesn’t understand what air play is. The moron. She fights her way out of his choke hold and shoots him. Or... was it someone else? [Spoiler. It was someone else.]

Thus begins a dreary police procedural, hitting the beats exactly like every episode of every other cop show at the time. Lots of yelling. Lots of drama. Not a lot of vampires, which... *checks notes*... I think is is what the show’s about.

The fun part of this episode is the cast of memorable characters filling the edges of the story. We have an over-eager forensic specialist with a bow tie who adores Nick and hates Schanke. Then we have a mustache-wearing cop who’s incredibly cool and pops in with useful information. Finally, a porno store owner named D (I’m not kidding) who wears a real live lizard on his chest.

If these guys had stuck around, Forever Knight could have been like those shows about a quirky town with goofball neighbors, like Gilmore Girls or Doc Martin, but they were just a one-time treat.


Nick remembersing when he was a model for none other than Hieronymus Bosch, and the painting is none other than The Garden of Earthly Delights. I saw this painting in Madrid and it’s the most bonkers thing on earth.

My first instinct was to look for Waldo.

Nick and a sad lady are behind a sheet, hiding their nudity. According to internet rumor, they showed their naughty bits in the international versions, because those advanced Europeans didn't mind seeing people’s junk on TV. I haven’t found these alternate scenes (apparently there’s quite a few nude scenes throughout the series that we Americans didn't get to watch), but supposedly you can ogle Canadian bewbs by getting the German version of the Forever Knight DVDs. Off you go.

The mini-plot is about the sad lady. Mr. Bosch raped her and said it was her fault. (What did Hieronymus do to deserve being portrayed this way?) Nick tries to tell her it’s not her fault, but she won’t believe him. Sometimes it's hard to be a woman, and Nick just doesn't understand.

I’d like this better if Nick ripped out Bosch’s [redacted] and fed it to him as punishment, but that would only happen if this were a show about vampires. I would also have accepted Nick getting inspired by the weirdos in the painting who shove trumpets up their butts, and then grabbing a horn and telling Hieronymus to pucker up. (This is why no one asks me to write TV shows.) Anyway, the lady kills herself and Nick makes a sad face. He didn't grow fangs and become the inspiration for the hell part of the painting, which also would have been cool.

Hey, look, I found them! Where would you be without me?

Little Bites

-Vampire Lore: none.

-Familiar Faces: The guy who plays Bosch appeared in The Women of Windsor, which also starred Deborah Duchene and Nigel Bennett. Again, where would you be without me?

-Bosch says the lady killed herself with a poison that’s popular among the ladies because it’s the cheapest. I don’t get that. Why would anyone buy an expensive suicide pill? Alternatively, why wouldn’t a lady splurge on her last purchase? We’re not talking about buying Tylenol here. Who needs a generic?

-Sadly, this isn’t the last time we trudge through the grueling grind of a police procedural about one of Stonetree’s friends. They keep coming back to this plot in season one. Poor Stonetree. By the end of his run, he’s the last man standing from his generation of cops, and he starts to realize he was the only good one in the bunch.

-Lots of kissing. Nick gets information from Janette and, in return, kisses her very passionately. (It's way hotter than the opening scene.) They're old friends, old lovers, and I guess they can just do that without it being weird. Later he kisses Natalie right on the mouth and... surely that was weird for her. Right? But the episode cuts to black and we never know.

Final Analysis: Dull, but the fun characters made it better. Two out of five random pink sheets.

Adam D. Jones is a writer, musician, and medievalist who feels a kinship for vampires because his sensitive eyes that make it difficult to go outside during the day.

1 comment:

  1. "I’d like this better if Nick ripped out Bosch’s [redacted] and fed it to him as punishment, but that would only happen if this were a show about vampires."
    Lol! yeah...
    I liked the episode for the funnier bits you pointed out but the self-victimizing lady was a real bummer and kind of made me fume silently throughout the whole thing. Her husband on the other hand... very fascinating. Wish they did more with him.


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