Cocaine Shark

This is quite possibly the worst movie I've ever seen. And I've watched Thankskilling 3.

Spoiler alert: This movie has nothing to do with cocaine and barely has anything to do with sharks.

So, this movie was released in Japan first under the name Kanizame Shakurabu, or Crab Shark. It was only renamed to Cocaine Shark in order to ride the hype train. Now, Crab Shark is at least an accurate description.

This is our shark. The crab shark.

There is also a man-shark that I can't find an image of but looks like someone was just wearing a shark helmet made out of paper maché. There is also, for a brief moment, some kind of monkey-bat-spider hybrid. We're told that it escaped, but we never see it or hear from it.

Why do we have crab sharks? Honestly, I'm not really sure, which is amazing considering that 85% of this movie is cheesy noir film voice over. Our main character, Neil, is an undercover cop, but one who is an alcoholic and a drug addict. He has five commendations, but none of them were ever publicly given. There is a dark haired femme fatale named Persephone. We are told nothing about her besides the fact that her name is a pseudonym. She and Neil spend at least twenty minutes shirtless in her bed getting high from one of the most painful hallucinogenics I've ever seen.

She works for some drug lord that developed a pill called HT25. It makes you think that you're a shark. It may also turn you into a man-shark where you're a mindless killing machine.

At some point, Neil is told to shave. He goes from a full, glorious beard several inches long to completely clean shaven. I did not recognize him at all and thought that I was just watching some random person. In a scene that supposedly takes place four weeks later, the beard is back and identical to what it was before.

There is no coherency between scenes. We jump all over the timeline with zero indication of when we are. There is some doctor character that occasionally takes over the narration, but his voice is so similar to Neil's that it's difficult to tell.

At least 20% of the movie is just random stock footage meant to represent the multiple drug trips that Neil goes on. The stock footage is repeated for each drug trip. There is never anything new.

I'm trying really, really hard to find anything good to say about this movie and I can't. The acting is beyond atrocious, the camera quality is worse than what I can film on my iPhone, the plot is nonsensical, the timeline is a mess, and the special effects are...

The only silver lining I can find here is that the movie is only 70 minutes long. I don't even have any Random Thoughts this time around. I'm just...

This movie exists. On Tubi.

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An Honest Fangirl loves video games, horror movies, and superheroes, and occasionally manages to put words together in a coherent and pleasing manner.

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