Star Trek Strange New Worlds: Four-and-a-Half Vulcans

"Wow. Your ears are so pointy."

A funny, clever, well-written episode. And yet...

Four of the bridge crew were genetically transformed into real Vulcans (à la the Kherkovian serum in last season's episode "Charades") in order to save the pre-warp planet Tezaar from blowing up. I really loved that they walked in, fixed the system, walked out, and it was over already; we didn't even need to see Tezaar. It was just a plot device to make human bridge crew members into Vulcans, after all.

And having all four of them overreact so differently worked for me. It was a good explanation, that they didn't have a lifetime of experience to handle the powerful changes in their bodies. The only thing they had in common was being jerks and dumping on Spock. Who was right that they should have been confined to quarters until they were human again.

And again, it was perfectly logical :) that when they had a choice, all four refused to un-Vulcan themselves. Vulcans have an innate sense of superiority for a reason. How could they essentially give up superpowers?

Chapel had the simplest reaction. Completely lacking in anything resembling tact, she became obsessed with her work and high on science, no longer socializing with friends and breaking up with Roger Korby over subspace. Ah, if only it had been permanent. Although the make-up scene at the end with Spock and Korby and the plomeek soup (and their faces when they tasted it) was very cute.

Instead of breaking up, Uhura decided to mind meld with Beto and make him into an expressionless vegan. That was mean and didn't make Erica happy.

Pike got to do the most comic relief. His clipped, high-pitched emotionless Vulcan voice was so funny, and I particularly loved that he re-recorded the series saga sell with it. And the hair was simply hilarious, as well as Anson Mount's idea. It was initially supposed to be down and combed forward, Spock-like. Mount's character is usually serious and he clearly enjoys getting the chance to do comedy. He was even funny scrubbing down his quarters.

The most interesting transformation was La'an's, because she didn't actually just turn into a Vulcan; she turned into her ancestor, Khan, complete with killer megalomania and an obsession with weapons systems and power supplies. With his usual perfect timing, Jim Kirk dropped by quite likely hoping for some shore leave romance with La'an, and ended up bonding with Scotty instead as they outwitted La'an's direct and blatant attempts to start an interplanetary war.

It's interesting that the major subplots for nearly all of the characters were centered on romantic partners. In particular, Spock managed to reach La'an with whale song (?) and their favorite common activity, dance. And connecting the four Vulcaned humans to their katras worked. With the help of guest star Patton Oswalt as Doug the Vulcan.

Honestly, I'm not quite sure what they were doing with Una and Doug, but I found it more squirmy than funny. I assume they were going for statuesque, gorgeous Una being superattracted only to someone for their mind, and I guess I'm for that. But it also felt like they were saying, "Look at how physically unattractive Patton Oswalt is. Ha ha ha." He's not. And yes, the Kalsive, Doug and Sarah jokes were funny, but Una married Spock because he has a big lirpa? Star Trek is giving us penis jokes?

The truth is, I didn't want to watch this episode a second time, and that's a problem. I had to think pretty hard about why, and I kept coming up with comparisons to the original series. There were 79 episodes of original Star Trek, and very, very few were comedic. I'm not talking about an occasional amusing moment or scene because there were plenty scattered throughout, but I mean laugh out loud funny. "Trouble with Tribbles" funny.

And it's not like Vulcans aren't funny, because they are. I particularly loved Freaky Friday with Vulcans and the aforementioned "Charades." This episode makes three funny episodes about Vulcans. It just feels like they're going to the Vulcan well too often. They might have been trying for some balance with the seriousness of La'an's transformation, but that went so far over the top that it was never worrying or upsetting, and it should have been.

I also have a major complaint about this episode's musical score. It was constantly annoying, with those bouncy little trills that are meant to suggest that fun stuff is going on. So distracting. Bad producers, no biscuit.

Bits:

— Stardate 3111.1, Una's log. We didn't quite reach Purmantee III for shore leave, and we were only on Tezaar for five minutes.

— I did like the crew doing the group shot down the hallway with Pike carrying the lirpa. Maybe the lirpa really is a penis metaphor.

— For me, the most enjoyable part of the episode was the non-Vulcans (and Spock) gathering secretly in Pelia's quarters for some light plotting, and M'Benga figuring out that katras were the answer. There was actually a whole Star Trek movie about katras.

— If Jim Kirk was looking for La'an with romance in mind, I wonder what happened to Carol?

— Vice Admiral Pasalk from two earlier episodes where he gave out serious bad guy vibes dropped by and... gave Batel his own job. Huh?

Quotes: (This could have been much longer. Please appreciate my restraint)

Pike: "This feeling is unusual."
Uhura: "My perception has increased."
La'an: "Everything I once found dull now seems to be..."
Chapel: "...fascinating."
Pelia: "Oh, poop."
M'Benga: "I wonder if the serum did not work on you because you're Lanthanite."
Pelia: "Honestly, I had the same problem with LSD in the 1960s. And the 1990s. And last July."

Scotty: "Wow. Your ears are so pointy."
Pike: "Number One. Four and one-half Vulcans to beam down."

La'an: "I find it utterly fascinating that there is so much uncontested space out there. Space that is... wasted. Space that is merely there for the taking."
Jim Kirk: "I mean, there is a lot of space. Hence the name."
Scotty: "But should we actually take it?"
La'an: "We must!"

Ortegas: "Pike is still captain. He won't like us conspiring against him."
Una: "We are not conspiring. We are... lightly plotting."

Batel: "They didn't sign up to be permanent Vulcans. Only temporary ones. This is a fluke, right?"
Pelia: "More like an 'oopsie'."

Spock: "It is true. Vulcans can be jerks."

Pike: "On a mission I am not permitted to discuss, I learned of a certain element of Vulcan history I am also not permitted to discuss."
La'an: "Intriguing. On a mission I am not permitted to discuss, I too learned of a certain element of Vulcan history that I also am not permitted to discuss."
Pike: "Perhaps if we speak of it simultaneously?"
Both: "Romulans."

Kirk: "She's a Vulcan. Not a poltergeist."

Una: "I got married. To Spock! Spock is my husband. We got married and we're in love and we got married and he has a lirpa. A big lirpa."
(Doug looks down at the front of Spock's pants)

La'an: "I'm sorry I beat up James Kirk and tried to take over the ship and start a war."
Una: "Yeah, don't do that again."

There was a lot to like about this episode, but I'm feeling super irrational about it. What did you guys think? How many ramekins of Vulcan leek sorbet out of four?

Billie
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Billie Doux loves good television and spends way too much time writing about it.

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