Buffy quotes for every occasion. Part 5: The Perils of Dating

Giles: "Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time."

For a show that was at its core about the empowerment of women, sex on Buffy the Vampire Slayer always seemed to turn into a Very Bad Thing.

Buffy started by falling in love with a much older vampire who took her virginity, turned evil, and then tried to kill her, her family and all of her friends. She moved on to a supersoldier who couldn't handle the fact that she was stronger than he was. And then she had a violent, passionate affair with another vampire that became abusive... except that Buffy was the abuser. And that may have been her healthiest relationship of the three. Spike clearly should have stayed with Drusilla.

Let's see. Xander dated various supernatural monster women (including Cordelia) before nearly marrying a demon whose purpose in life was punishing men. Giles hooked up with Jenny, and she died. He hooked up with Joyce, and she died. He hooked up with Olivia, and she was completely freaked out by the Gentlemen and left Sunnydale forever. After an unrequited fixation on Xander and getting dumped by Oz, Willow fell deeply in love with Tara -- and we all know what happened to her.

But at least they all made us laugh while they were doing it.

Willow: "When I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or witty, or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away."
Buffy: "It's not that bad."
Willow: "No, it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk."
Buffy: "You really haven't been dating lately."

Miss French: "Have you ever been with a woman before?"
Xander: "You mean, like, in the same room?"

Buffy: "He tried his hand at felony sexual assault."
Willow: "Oh, Buffy, the hyena in him didn't..."
Buffy: "No, but it's safe to say that in his animal state his idea of wooing doesn't involve a Yanni CD and a bottle of Chianti."

Xander: "We read about it all the time. People meet on the net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show ... horrible axe murder."

Buffy: "Anyway, he was being totally irrational."
Willow: "Love makes you do the wacky."

Devon: "What does a girl have to do to impress you?"
Oz: "Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to 'A Summer Place'."

Oz: "You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk."
Devon: "She doesn't have to talk."

Willow: "Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life."
Buffy: "Good for you."
Willow: "Well, I didn't choose yet."

Oz: "I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting."
Willow: "Oh. Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say yes."
Oz: "Yeah, it helps. It-it creates a comfort zone. Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?"
Willow: "Oh! I can't!"
Oz: "Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable."

Cordelia: "You, you, you. What about me? It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the creature from the Blue Lagoon."
Xander: "Black Lagoon. The creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields."

Faith: "Yeah, but you gotta have stories. I mean, I've had my share of losers, but you... you boinked the undead. What was that like?"

Spike: "She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?"

Buffy: "So you want to go out tonight?"
Willow: "Strangely, I feel like staying at home. And doing my homework. And flossing. And dying a virgin."

Buffy: "It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix. As far as we know."
Willow: "Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night."
(silence)
Xander: "Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?"

Buffy: "It's just... Do you get the feeling that we're kind of in a rut?"
Angel: "A rut?"
Buffy: "You never take me any place new."
Angel: "What about that fire demon nest in the cave by the beach? I felt that was a nice change of pace."

Buffy: "Well, at least we all have someone to go with now. Some of us are going with demons, but I think that's a valid lifestyle choice."

Buffy: "What's the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?"
Spike: "Maybe I left her."
Harmony: "She left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about most days."

Anya: "I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now."
Xander: "And the amazing thing? Still more romantic than Faith."

Guy: "Eyeballs, man. Blindfold chicks and have them stick their hands in the bowl and tell them it's eyeballs. They love that."
Xander: "And here I was wasting time buying them flowers and complimenting them on their shoes."

Willow: "You need to stop thinking about Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis."
Xander (loudly): "Nothing can defeat the penis!"

Willow: "What if the girl wants to, and the guy doesn't? That's a bad sign, right?"
Xander: "Could be. Or the girl caught the guy in one of the seven annual minutes he's legitimately too preoccupied to do it."

Willow: "Well, things with Oz are weird. And I talked to Buffy about it, but I think we're in guy-ville here. I need a translator from the Y side of things."
Xander: "Well, last time I checked, I had the creds. Hit me."
Willow: "What does it mean when a girl wants to... you know."
Xander: "If you're doing it, I think you should be able to say it."
Willow: "Make love."
Xander: "Wild monkey love, or tender Sarah McLachlan love?"

Willow: "Okay, say that I help, and you start a conversation. It goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper, and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops. It feels like the whole world's made for you two, and you two alone. Until the day one of you leaves, and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition."
Riley: "Yep, that's the plan."
Willow: "I figured it was."

Buffy: "I really like being around him, you know? And I think he cares about me. But I just feel like something's missing."
Willow: "He's not making you miserable?"
Buffy: "Exactly. Riley seems so solid. Like he wouldn't cause me heartache."
Willow: "Get out. Get out while there's still time."

Giles: "I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone."
Anya: "Oh, do you mean an orgasm friend?"
Giles: "Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said."

Buffy: "Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were going to do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies going tra la la."

Xander: "Anya, this is crazy. We had a little fight. It just means that we have to work our way through some stuff. It doesn't mean that we rebound with the evil undead."

Buffy: "Suck up."
Riley: "What? It's a nice outfit. Besides, 'I'm here to violate your firstborn' never goes over with parents."

Buffy: "Do you think that I spent the last year with you because you had superpowers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike."

Anya: "Hey Olaf! You're as inadequate a troll as you were a boyfriend. You're hairy, and unattractive, and even women trolls are put off by your various odors. Your menacing stance is merely alarming. And your roar is less than full-throated."

Joyce: "Honey, did you somehow, uh, unintentionally lead him on in any way? Send him signals?"
Buffy: "I do beat him up a lot. For Spike, that's like third base."

Spike: "I've changed, Buffy."
Buffy: "What, that chip in your head? That's not change. That's just holding you back. You're like a serial killer in prison!"
Spike: "Women marry them all the time!"

Harmony: "Wait. I get it. Our little sex game was just the beginning. Now you've gone and picked up some cheap queen of the damned to dress up like your precious Drood-zilla."
Spike: "Harm..."
Harmony: "You'd better not be thinking what I think you're thinking. 'Cause my answer is the same as always. No threesomes unless it's boy boy girl, or Charlize Theron."

Buffy: "Last night was the most perverse, degrading experience of my life."
Spike: "Yeah. Me too. "

Anya: "It isn't always about looks, or a beating heart. Sometimes intimate, sweaty relations with the wrong person just seems like a good idea at the time."

Holden: "I just think you're in some pain here, which I do kind of enjoy 'cause I'm evil now, but you should just ease up on yourself. It's not exactly like you have the patent on bad relationships."
Buffy: "Wouldn't it be cool if I did?"

Buffy: "Sure. I'd be happy to have dinner with you."
Wood: "Great. I'll draw up the paperwork."

Buffy: "Maybe he knows that I suspect he's up to something, and he's taking me out to kill me."
Willow: "Well, you'll have to dress for the ambiguity."

Do stop by for more quotes next Sunday. I think I have two or three more to go,

Billie
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Billie Doux loves good television and spends way too much time writing about it.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Awesome. You need the cookie dough comment from S7...

Anonymous said...

Nice..It's maybe missing Spike's speech about being love's bitch from season 3.
Anna

Mark Greig said...

Loving this feature more and more every week.

But I can't believe you missed out this gem: "You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please, my boyfriend had a bicentennial"

Harry said...

Great collection :) It's a bit serious for this chuckle inducing collection but I always liked this speech of Angelus': Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have?

Jess Lynde said...

Hilarious! Very fun stroll down memory lane. My favorites from this week's selection are "Love makes you do the wacky" and "Oh, do you mean an orgasm friend?" although I did laugh out loud at several of them.

jo said...

The one that's always stuck with me was Anya's pre first time having sex with Xander conversation. Don't know why. But they're all excellant quotes.

Anonymous said...

"Love makes you do the wacky," is and shall always be one of my favorite Buffy quotes, and one I use almost constantly. And points to "Nothing can defeat the penis!" because my husband, who does not like Buffy (I know, but he has many good qualities), still occasionally shouts "Nothing can defeat the penis!" when he wins a video game.

Iago said...

Cheers for these Billie, this has become one of the highlights of my summer holidays.

Willow and Oz had a couple of great ones during their break-up:

Willow: "Don't you love me?"
Oz: " "My whole life, I've never loved anything else."

and later:

Willow: "I waited for you, I feel like some part of me will always be waiting. Like when I'm old and blue-haired and I turn a corner in Istanbul, you'll be there and I won't be surprised because it's you."

I have actually used that one at the end of an important relationship: it rings really true for me.

Spike has so many great lines in Fool For Love

"I've been doing this all wrong. What I need to do is find Drusilla, wherever she is, tie her up and torture her until she likes me again"

Finally, perhaps my favourite bit from The Gift:

Anya: "You're proposing to me? You're proposing to me because you think we're all gonna die and you think it's all sexy and romantic and you know you won't have to go through with it."

Xander "I'm proposing because we're not."

Anya: "You can't know that..."

Xander: "I believe it. I think I'm gonna live a long, silly life and I'm not interested in doing any of it without you around."

TJ said...

"The creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields". Lol! I just love that one...

Just the other day I used my fave Buffy quote. A (straight) friend of mine told me that he have had a sweaty day with two other friends. I told him - "Hmm, I'm going to a Visual scary place"...
I use this one a lot:)