Game of Thrones: A Golden Crown

“Thunk.”

It’s hard to go wrong with Jane Espenson. She’s written for nearly every show we cover (including the upcoming Torchwood: Miracle Day), and she manages to inject humor into even the most dire of situations without ever losing the tone appropriate to a specific show. She succeeds because she seems to have an incisive understanding of the characters she writes for: her episodes reveal new aspects of old friends in a way that makes those aspects seem familiar. Above all, she lets her characters make jokes (rather than the slapstick approach of the author making the character a joke) and she trusts our basic human impulse to giggle nervously in the face of despair. In case you can’t tell, I loved this episode.

I’m in the odd position of having waited a week to write the review (see below), and I was surprised to realize earlier today that I didn’t remember much happening: rather, I remembered Tyrion’s jokes, Ned Stark finally cracking a grin, and that sly throne room scene. Of course, I didn’t forget the golden crown that gives this episode its title, or the joust between Bronn and Lysa’s vassal, but the majority of this episode was about people talking, arguing, bickering, and generally getting on each other’s nerves.

If “The Wolf and the Lion” was structured in binaries, “A Golden Crown” is all about trios, quads, and more. Conversations, arguments, and physical fights all took place between numerous people. This could have been chaos, or many people standing around and awkwardly not interacting, but Espenson aced the interactions, the actors aced the acting, and the intensely expository nature of the previous episodes started to pay off tenfold. Did I mention I loved this episode?

Winterfell

Theon had a bit more to do this week: he’s quite a smarmy bastard, isn’t he? Then again, the urge to fight and kill seems to be sweeping more than just Team Greyjoy—the wildlings are fleeing the north North, the whores are fleeing the regular North, and everyone seems to expect chaos at any moment. Between the zombie hordes and the Lannister army, Westeros seems to be in for a frightening winter.

The Eyrie

I’ve watched the scene in which Tyrion almost falls out of the cell three times now, and every time my stomach has dropped. And then I’ve been overcome with laughter at his conversations with Mord, quoted extensively below. Look at how boring those quotes are, sitting dully on the page. But Madame Espenson trusted Peter Dinklage, and he delivered.

Little Lord Robin is all id, no ego, isn’t he? Less breastfeeding this episode, but still lots of nuzzling—I hope that child actor doesn’t develop some sort of complex. Best of all, though, was that damned spoon and Catelyn’s reaction to it. Lysa let her son tap his spoon without regard for it being the most annoying sound in the entire world, and Catelyn let it happen. This tells us that Catelyn assessed the situation off-screen. A strong sense that characters have lives off-screen is becoming my conditio sine qua non for watchable TV shows, and GoT has it in spades. Also, Tyrion’s confession? Perfect in every way.

Vaes Dothrak

Dany ate the heart of a horse. And suddenly I’m a vegetarian again.

In other news, Viserys finally got what he wanted: a golden crown. Those of us who have read the books have been looking forward to this scene eagerly—and it was my one moment of disappointment. I loved everything leading up to it: Viserys’s conversation with Ser Jorah, the nearly palpable fear and anger when he put the sword to Dany’s belly, even the brute force of Khal Drogo. But I wanted more gold, less “thunk.” It was hard not to laugh in that moment, even though everything that came before was so well played that Viserys seemed more tragic than petty.

King’s Landing

My two favorite scenes featured Sean Bean. One was a quickie: his conversation with Arya and Sansa, in which he told them they would go home, was the first chance we got to see that the Starks do, in fact, have a sense of humor hiding under their badger cloaks.

The other: the throne room scene. Finally, we get to see someone sit on the throne! And it’s not the king, but rather the realm’s most just and loyal man, hearing of the terre gaste caused by Lannisters, but unable to fight them because of the spear wound in his thigh. The Fisher King metaphor wasn’t overplayed, but as subtle allusions go, it’s quite fruitful in terms of understanding everything at stake in Westeros and the brewing Stark/Lannister war.

Wounded or not, Ned still managed to lob a shot across Tywin Lannister’s bow. Gregor Clegane (aka “The Mountain,” the guy who decapitated his horse last week) has been playing the brigand in the riverlands, trying to blame the Tullys (Catelyn’s family), but obviously doing the Lannister’s dirty work. Ned’s decision to go threaten Tywin with attainment was a bold move, as was his decision to send Beric Dondarrion to roust Gregor Clegane from the woodsy lands in the center of Westeros.

Littlefinger lost no time in pointing out the stakes of Ned’s decision, either. At first, I thought Littlefinger’s asides were obnoxious exposition. Then I realized that the character was being intentionally annoying and obtuse—I think he thought Ned wouldn’t realize it, either. Ned did, but it doesn’t seem to have colored his view of Littlefinger. Ned doesn’t realize that everyone has his number, which means he doesn’t understand most of the people around him.

And, finally, Ned figured out what we’ve all already guessed: Joffrey is not Robert’s son, Cersei is an adultress, and Jaime is both uncle and father to his twin sister’s son.

Bitter Peaces:

• Cersei: “I shall wear this like a badge of honor.”
Robert: “Wear it in silence, or I’ll honor you again.”

• Tyrion: “My family is rich! We have lots of gold! I’m prepared to give you lots of gold!”
Mord: “No gold!”
Tyrion: “Well I don’t have it here.”
Mord: “No gold! F*** off!”
…
Tyrion: “About the gold…”
Mord: “No gold!”
Tyrion: “Listen to me! Sometimes, possession is an abstract concept…” [I’m laughing as I type that line. It’s very Xander, in a way.]
…
Tyrion: “Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘rich as a Lannister’? Of course you have. You are a smart man.”

• Tyrion: “You want specifics, I suppose. When I was seven, I saw a servant girl, bathing in the river. She was forced to return to the castle, naked and in tears. If I close my eyes, I can still see her tits bouncing…When I was 12, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake. I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry—into the turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate. At least, I hope she did. I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel…”
Lysa: “Silence!”
Robert: “What happened next?”

• Syrio: “If you’re with your trouble when fighting happens, more trouble for you.”

• Viserys: “If I sell one egg, I’ll have enough to buy a ship. Two eggs, a ship and an army.”
Ser Jorah: “And you have all three.”
Viserys: “I need a large army.”

• Renly: “I suppose it was all rather heroic. If you were drunk enough and found some poor riverlands whore to shove your prick inside and ‘make the eight.’”
Lancel: “More wine, your grace?”
Renly has certainly been influenced by Ser Loras. (See above, re: characters having lives off-screen.) Lancel just makes me laugh. How did they find such a perfect actor for that role?

• Sansa: “I don’t want someone brave and gentle and strong. I want [Joffrey]!”

• I want to grab Ned Stark out of Westeros, tie him down, and loofah that oil and dirt off of his face.

• Sansa is turning out to be rather bitchy. I guess gaining a whole kingdom for the price of a direwolf will do that to a girl.

• Speaking of direwolves, where are they? I miss their oversized ears.

• Theon’s and Tyrion’s prostitute has left the North and is heading south. As she keeps appearing, I assume she must be important.

• List of the dead: Viserys, assorted wildlings.

There’s no excuse for an episode review being this late. And, really, I have no excuse. But I did spend all seven days feeling horribly guilty.

Four out of four riverland girls.

Josie Kafka is a full-time cat servant and part-time rogue demon hunter. (What's a rogue demon?)

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