Alcatraz: Pilot/Ernest Cobb

“That’s not what happened.”

The latest offering from J.J. Abram’s production company, Bad Robot, Alcatraz tells the tale of federal agent Emerson Hauser (Sam Neill), SFPD detective Rebecca Madsen (Sarah Jones), and Dr. Diego Soto (Hurley!) as they attempt to piece together what happened nearly 40 years ago, when all the residents and guards at Alcatraz disappeared—and why they’re coming back.

Samantha and I both wanted to review this premiere, and I offered to fight her for it. I got in some impressive roundhouse kicks, but Samantha took me down with a Vulcan nerve pinch. Once I woke up, we shook hands and agreed to do a dual review:

Samantha's Take

There were some things I really liked about this two hour premiere, and some things that really didn't work for me. First off I like the cast. They are all good actors that are easy to empathize with. However, I think the very young and extremely cute female lead lacks the gravitas to pull off the tough-girl detective shtick. Jorge Garcia, who is easy to buy as a comic book nerd/genius historian, feels a little shoehorned in. He is literally dragged along and brought into the group as almost an afterthought. I do like the chemistry between him and Sarah Jones. It felt almost romantic, and if they went in that direction I would be thrilled. [Josie's comment: Me, too!]

Then there was Sam Neill and Parminder Nagra (as Lucy). I really like both actors, but beyond that personal favoritism I didn't really like either of their characters. Both are definitely intriguing, but other than that basic interest, they could be written out and I wouldn't really care. So what did I like? I think the idea of the mystery is cool, unless it becomes a cop procedural with time travel elements. I like the tone of the series, with the overlapping story set in two different time periods. I like the setting, and the inherent creepiness that surrounds it. The atmosphere and history of Alcatraz makes this plot work, and the obvious location shooting really elevates the entire production.

But overall I think this is just too familiar, and too J.J., if that makes sense. It was as if he was going down a checklist. Once he fulfilled his requisite details, then he came up with the meat of the idea. There is the beautiful yet strong heroine, check. The enigmatic older guy, check. The slightly odd yet brilliant sidekick or buddy, check. An unexplained mystery/conspiracy involving something vaguely supernatural, check. Now none of those are exactly detractors. In fact those are things I generally like about his ideas. But I am starting to wonder if maybe he is running out of steam.

Josie’s Take

Two episodes in, it’s safe to say that Alcatraz offers up mild thrills and milder mysteries. The pilot episode focused primarily on establishing the rules of the game: disappearance in ’63, reemergence in 2012, plucky heroes banding together, reemerged heroes stashed in underground lair, etc. Hauser is the mysterious fed who knows more than he says; Rebecca Madsen is loyal to those she loves and a good detective to boot, and Dr. Soto (Hurley!) has not one but two PhDs and has written four books on Alcatraz. He also owns what appears to be a Geek Store. They sell gaming supplies, comic books, and probably very few condoms.

“Ernest Cobb” gives us a glimpse of what to expect each week: a procedural “find the past-his-expiration-date baddie!” combined with driblets of mythology. So far, our questions are: Why did Hauser build a bat-cave under Alcatraz? (And how did he do so? It is a rock in the middle of the bay.) What is Rebecca’s connection to the returnees given her grandfather’s status? How does Robert Forester fit into all this? What’s up with the creepy Prisoner/Initiative prison in the woods?

It’s not, in other words, a life-changing, Lost-caliber premiere. But nonetheless I like it. Sam Neill is always fun, particularly when ambiguously evil. Sarah Jones impressed me in her work on Justified last season, and she has a nice combination of seriousness, sexiness, and innocence.

Above all, I adore Jorge Garcia. He was great on Lost and judging from his blog, he seems like a genuinely wonderful guy, too: smart, caring, and devoted to his girlfriend and pets. He even bakes! His character here is smarter than Hurley, and a bit less fun-loving, but just as fun to watch. As in Lost, he acts as something of a mouthpiece for all of our inner geeks, uttering lines like “I’ll bet you have a neat origin story.”

At the recent TCA press tour, J.J. Abrams (who seems to be mostly a figurehead for his TV shows these days) said Alcatraz wouldn’t be as “impenetrable” as Lost or Alias. However, he made the same claim about Fringe when it premiered, and that show now has me drawing diagrams. (In a good way.) Alcatraz’s potential depends, for me, on not trusting Abrams. Complexity, time travel, and impenetrability are all good things, and Alcatraz should be able to deliver what we really want. We’ll just have to wait and see if that’s what happens.

Bits and Pieces... of Rock?

• My family went to San Francisco quite a bit when I was young, and I’ve taken the Alcatraz tour at least four times. Once, my little brother got lost in the wacky maze of cells. There is nothing more boring for a teenage girl than to watch her mother panic about an annoying little brother lost in the one place in the entire world in which the phrase “he can’t have gone far” is actually true.

• My little brother turned out fine, by the way.

• Hurley’s wardrobe is awesome. You should watch “Ernest Cobb” just for the cool waistcoat and green velvet blazer.

• The pilot filmed over a year ago, and now shooting is taking place in, you guessed it, Vancouver. I will never stop considering this to be an utter failure of my state to support one of its only remaining industries.

• I wanted to call this section “Pebbles” but worried the joke would utterly fail.

Samantha’s Final Analysis: Alcatraz has the potential to be really original and really engaging, but I would only give this pilot 2.5 mug shots.

Josie’s Final Analysis: Yeah, that sounds about right. Duck!

Josie Kafka is a full-time cat servant and part-time rogue demon hunter. (What's a rogue demon?)