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Conan the Barbarian

"Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, Conan, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!"

Conan the Barbarian has got everything you would expect from a cheesy 80s sword and sorcery film: blood, sex, magic and a drunken Arnie punching a camel. How could I not love it?

Conan was the film that helped make Arnold a star (we'll let history decide whether or not that was a good thing). Like a cyborg killing machine from the future, fantasy fiction’s most famous Cimmerian is a role that is perfectly tailored for the limited skills of the Austrian Oak. Acting, speaking, competently running California, remaining faithful to his wife, these are not things that Arnold is good at. Killing loads of bad guys with massive weapons – that is what Arnold is good at.

Is it faithful to Robert E. Howard original stories? I can't really say since I haven't read Howard's work, despite owning the complete chronicles (I'll get around to them eventually, I swear). It is one of the few 80s fantasy films to take the genre seriously, maybe a little too seriously. Humour is mostly kept to a minimum.The script (penned by such contrasting egos as Oliver Stone and John Milius) plays to Arnie's strengths by giving him as little dialogue as possible. He says only five words to his main love interest throughout the entire film. Some scenes are almost complete wordless, allowing Basil Poledouris more chances to show off his thundering score. It is one of the greatest ever pieces of film music and helps to elevate the whole thing to Wagnerian levels of epic.

Acting in general is something the film is lacking. Most of the cast were amateurs with limited or no acting experience. Doom's henchmen were cast primarily for their size. To make up for the leading man's complete lack of Thespian talent we have a cameo from Max von Sydow and James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom. Doom himself comes across more like a crazy cult leader than a serious Dark Lord. It is difficult to imagine him a major threat.

Despite the obvious limited budget, the actions scenes are impressive. The opening attack on Conan's village is spectacular; ditto the final battle on the mounds. The film benefits from being made at a time when fantasy films weren’t required to be family friendly. There's lots of bloody violence, nudity and an orgy where human soup is being served. It is also a sword and sorcery film with more sword than sorcery. Like the humour, magic in general is kept to a minimum. In the rare times that magic is used, Milius keeps it subdued and obscure.

Notes and Quotes

— Seriously, those are some very dodgy giants snakes.

— I adore the scene where Conan and his new partner in crime play a game of My God is Bigger than Yours.

— That was a real dead vulture Arnie bit into during the Tree of Woe scene. After the director shouted cut, Arnold immediately had to rinse his mouth out to avoid disease.

— Milius is making no effort to hide his right wing political views. Doom's followers are depicted as just a bunch of hippies. Foolish, peace loving hippies who have no clue they’re on tonight's menu.

— Conan’s final confrontation with Doom recalls Willard’s killing of Kurtz. I guess Milius hadn’t completely left Apocalypse Now behind.

King Osric: "There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father's love for his child."

Mongol General: "What is best in life?"
Conan: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women."

Conan: "Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!"

Valeria: "Do you want to live forever?"

Three out of four punched camels.
Mark Greig has been writing for Doux Reviews since 2011. More Mark Greig.


  1. My favorite fantasy movie, and my favorite movie score of all time. Like you said, so much story is conveyed without any dialogue and it's one of those soundtracks that you know exactly where you are in the movie when you listen to it separately.

    Don't know if you've seen extended Director's Cut, but the ending to that is better IMO.

  2. I confess that this is one of my guilty pleasures. Who needs acting when you have huge serpents wanting a virgin sacrifice, muscles, swords, horses and a completely ridiculous plot. I just make a bag of popcorn and sit down to enjoy the movie.

  3. I remember really liking Valeria. I thought she was the best part of the movie.

  4. Agreed about Valeria. Loved her. The Conan remake from 2011 just can't compete with this one.

  5. Valeria was probably the coolest character in the film. Dino De Laurentiis should've made a spin-off film about her instead of Red Sonja.

  6. Agreed..Red Sonja had horrible acting and none of Conan the barbarian's redeeming features..even if Arnold was on board as a quasi-Conan figure.

  7. Is it faithful to Robert E. Howard original stories? I can't really say since I haven't read Howard's work, despite owning the complete chronicles (I'll get around to them eventually, I swear).

    It's about as faithful an adaptation as I, Robot was an adaptation of Asimov's stories: one or two scenes loosely inspired by the stories, a character here and there that has the same name as a character in the source material, that sort of thing.

    If you do decide to read the Chronicles, stick with it: round about the middle period Howard starts doing some very formulaic stories that are really variations on a theme, but by the end he picks up and starts doing some of the best Conan stories of them all at the end. The early and late Conan stories are the best by a significant margin, I think.

  8. "Is it faithful to Robert E. Howard original stories?"

    No, not really. The literary Conan isn't just a big brute; he's smart, graceful (what was with Arnold stumbling over his own feet all the time?), and he doesn't usually wander around half-naked. I guess the fact that the literary Conan is undoubtedly a violent, surly sociopath (much like Achilles or any number of other mythical figures) has created the mistaken impression that he is supposed to be stupid. Nothing could be further from the truth.

  9. That's John Milius, by the way.

    And, yes, this and The Terminator are the roles Arnold was born to play. Looking forward to his upcoming Conan film.

  10. NomadUK, thanks for the correction -- I fixed it.


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