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Orange is the New Black: Tall Men With Feelings

"You can't force people to mourn the way you want them to just because it'll make you feel better."

The impromptu memorial to Tricia in her cube may have been the most touching sequence they've done on this show. As they received gifts of food from the other "tribes" and got toasted on toilet hooch, they put up a little effigy of Tricia and mourned her, and talked about how they would miss her. Just lovely.

Pornstache was not unaffected by Tricia's death, either. He was the one who had to clean out Tricia's cube and face all those inmates who knew Tricia had died because of him. He actually begged Bennett to go out for a drink, where he got somewhat maudlin (after being nasty to a couple of women who weren't pretty enough for him to pick up), and complained to Bennett about how the inmates didn't care about him and never asked about his day. Of course they don't care about you, Pornstache. You're a flaming asshole who abuses the power you have over them. What could you possibly expect?

Bennett told Daya about what Pornstache said at the bar, inadvertently giving her the key to carrying out Red's seduction plot. Daya went ahead and did it without telling Bennett what she was doing. Which was smart, because it would undoubtedly be too much for Bennett to take. (It had better be too much for Bennett, or he's not the man Daya thinks he is.) Unfortunately, Pornstache was smarter than Bennett -- he actually brought a condom along, and ruined Red's plan.

The thing is, I get what Red is doing. She is helpless against what Pornstache can do to her and what he did to Tricia, and others under Red's protection. This man should not have this job, and he really should be in prison. At the same time, it bothers me that Red wants to get Pornstache for rape when he didn't rape Daya. It's sort of like what Alex did to Pennsatucky. I get it, but it's not right. You know?

In other news, Larry appeared on Maury Kind's show on NPR and talked about his close relationship with Piper, even though he's not even taking her calls. As expected, it caused a huge ripple at Litchfield. Even though what Larry said was flattering to Red and Watson and didn't do much to hurt Nicky and Morello, it hurt Miss Claudette's feelings, big time.

And then there was Crazy Eyes. This episode made Crazy Eyes into a human being, into Suzanne. Piper finally connected with her, they became friendly after Piper fell on the slick floor. And Larry just screwed that up. Watching Suzanne sobbing quietly in her bunk just ripped my heart out. I don't really blame Piper. She was new to prison and she confided her fears to her boyfriend; she never thought he would tell the world. If Larry had just thought about the consequences to Piper for even a minute -- but no.

So Psych is even worse than SHU. Suzanne said they tie you down, that once you go to Psych, you get lost in it, like the Bermuda Triangle. And Pennsatucky was in Psych, where she came off as totally, believably nuts. It may be horrible, but Pennsatucky belonged in Psych, and Piper just got her out to wreak more havoc in genpop. At least this showed bravery on Piper's part. She stood up for something she believed in, and all it cost her was two weeks of night janitorial work.

The death in the prison family was echoed by a flashback to Alex and Piper. Piper made a smart decision to break up with Alex when Alex asked her to do a second drug trip. Piper had kept a clear distance from Alex's work and had only done the courier thing once, and refused to do it again. (Although she was apparently letting Alex support her with her ill-gotten gains.)

And yet, when Piper was packing to leave and Alex learned that her mother had just died, I couldn't help wanting Piper to wait just a little longer, to help Alex through what had to be a devastating loss. Piper decided to leave anyway, and I felt horrible for Alex. Like Pornstache, she was thrown by a death, and her feelings were ignored. "Tall women with feelings." Not that Alex is anything like Pornstache.

The capper of the episode was Larry breaking up with Piper at a terrible time in Piper's life, just like Piper broke up with Alex. Yeah, a little karma, but great timing, Larry. What are you going to use for writing material now?

Character bits:

-- Tricia was already cremated. No one is going to do an autopsy.

-- Daya should never have told her mother about her pregnancy. Wait. Actually, she didn't tell her, I remember now.

-- In the bar, Pornstache hugged Bennett and kissed him on the neck. Pornstache is one strange dude.

-- Bathroom stall cell phone lady wound up in Psych.

-- Yoga Jones doesn't drink.

-- Baptiste disappointed Miss Claudette once by bringing his new wife to meet her, showing he had no idea how Miss Claudette felt. I keep waiting for him to do something like that again.


-- Christmas is coming. In this week's Most Obvious Symbolism, Piper was untangling Christmas tree lights like the inmates were untangling problems.

-- Loved the blue hair on Alex in the flashback.

-- Alex still hasn't gotten a replacement for her mattress.


Piper: "Maybe he's cheating on me with Maury Kind."
Nicky: "Oh, then you'd both be gay. So post-modern."

Luschek: "Jesus Christ. You having your red dot special? Communists in your fun house? Crimson tide?"
Piper: "Okay, perfect. By all means, attribute my legitimate feelings of sadness to menses."
Nicky: "You really just say 'menses'?"

Figueroa: "Yesterday, we failed. A girl died because of us. All of us. So quit fucking around and show some goddam humanity."
I actually sort of liked Fig for about five minutes.

Morello: "Remember when Danita tried to do Tricia's corn rows?"
Big Boo: "Even Black Cindy couldn't fix that shit."
Nicky: "Yeah, poor kid. She went around looking like Ursula from The Little Mermaid for weeks."

Larry: "You never expect to be in pajamas when your life changes forever."

Suzanne: "There used to be a sign that said 'CAUTION! WET FLOOR! Really told people what was going on."
I loved how she delivered those lines. Every scene with Suzanne these days is amazing. She started hitting herself. Awww.

Suzanne: "Can I ask you one more question?"
Piper: "Yeah, of course."
Suzanne: "How come everyone calls me 'Crazy Eyes'?"

Piper: "My family just yelled at each other when they drank and then pretended like nothing happened."
Big Boo: "Ah. This explains the wide-eyed ice princess uptight thing."
Piper: "I'm not uptight!"

Pornstache: "They think I'm so tall my feelings don't get hurt."

Alex: "Are you cheating on me and Larry with Crazy Eyes? Because there is not room for the four of us."
Loved that one.

Nicky: "At the very least, you gotta Lewinsky this shit."

Another excellent episode. Four out of four bottles of toilet hooch,

Billie Doux loves good television and spends way too much time writing about it.


  1. Even if Pornstache hadn't used a condom, wouldn't Daya's claim that he's the father of their child be disproven with a DNA test?

  2. Tricia's memorial made me so sad, especially when the effigy fell. My heart dropped.

    Could Pornstache be smarter than we give him credit for? Poor Daya having to go through that again. Ick.

    Larry and Piper's break-up was almost a relief. He has been acting so badly, but then so has she. These two do not belong together and I really hope they stay apart now. But, what will happen now that Piper knows it was Alex who gave her up?

  3. Lisa, I don't think they'd pay for a DNA test. Wouldn't they have to get a court order? Would they bother?

  4. Wouldn't Pornstache ask for a DNA test and pay for it?

  5. Watching Orange is the New Black now, and at first I had exactly the same reaction as Lisa. But then I realised: it wouldn't matter. If Daya cried 'rape' with Pornstache's DNA in or all over her, that would be enough to get Pornstache fired, sued and convicted (even if Daya wasn't pregnant at all). Once the baby came, Pornstache would be in jail, and the baby's paternaty wouldn't change that.

    A bigger problem would be her due-date - she has to be three weeks along by now, no? Women, help me out here :-) The moment you have morning sickness and know for sure you are pregnant, a few weeks would have passed, no? But then again, she could say the baby came a month early. The doctors could probably tell that that couldn't be true, but I guess that falls under doctor-patient-confidentiality.

    So morality aside, if Pornstache wouldn't have used a condom, the plan would have worked...


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