Shark Night 3D

When I first started this Summer Shark Project, I immediately knew that I was going to review this one at some point. Where else can you find killer cookiecutter sharks?

I tend to break horror movies up into three categories. These are very unscientific and definitely have some overlap, but they’re useful for when I make recommendations to people. First, we have the horror movies that are what I call Serious Movies. A lot of critics might use the term “elevated horror” here, but these are the movies that get more acknowledgement outside of the traditional horror circles. These are your Get Outs of the world.

Second, we have the Sleepover Movies. These are movies that you watch when you’re looking for something that’s just fun. They don’t have to be very good – in fact, they usually aren’t – but you know that you’re going to have some creative kills and a smile on your face by the end of it. You can pretty safely put them on in a group setting. I would call The Cabin in the Woods a Sleepover Movie.

And then you have your movies that are just Mean. Saw. Hostel. Wolf Creek. They’re sadistic. You end the movie feeling a little bit skeevy inside. That’s not to say that Mean Movies are bad. I would argue that each of the three that I just listed are in fact very good. They just require a certain viewing mindset going into it in order to fully appreciate them.

Shark Night 3D is a Mean Movie that desperately wants to be a Sleepover Movie, and in the process, it fails at being both.

But let’s start with the good first, because there is a lot of good here.

Any shark movie should first be judged by its sharks, and Shark Night 3D gets full points in number, variety, and rarity of species. This is the only movie I’ve seen that includes death by cookiecutter shark, which happens to be one of my favorite kinds of shark. But beyond that, we also have five additional species! Most movies are content with just one, but I love that we get such a wide range here.

Each species also gets its own moment to shine, although the cookiecutters are the ones that left the most lasting impression on me. That kill scene is the closest that we ever get to a competent Mean Movie, mainly due to the torment that the character, Beth, goes through. There is a very strong undercurrent of sexual violence in how she’s leered at and forced to strip. It’s also the longest death scene by far. The camera lingers as Beth struggles to keep her head above water and escape the sharks. It’s very distressing, and it’s meant to be distressing. And maybe a little voyeuristic, but that’s also kind of the point.

In a very real way, the idea of voyeurism and the consumption/production of content plays a large role in the plot and the motivation of characters. It’s something that I wish was played with a little more, and I think that if this had been made in 2024 as opposed to 2011, it would have been.

Our characters are a little hit or miss, but as a whole, I enjoyed them. The script (or lack of screen time) fails them more often than the acting does. You have all of your standard stock characters here, along with a few uncomfortable stereotypes among our villains. Two particular favorites are the aforementioned Beth and football star Malik. Malik owns what’s arguably the best scene where he regains consciousness after a shark attack and asks where his girlfriend, Maya, is. It actually tugged at my heartstrings, which I didn’t expect. I didn’t think that I was that invested in what was going on, so props to Sinqua Walls.

Who thought that it was a good idea to make this PG-13? Seriously! Everything about this is crying out for all of the blood, guts, and gore that the screen can handle, not to mention a nice sprinkling of foul language. The fact that it’s 3D makes this even more inexcusable. It makes almost every kill feel tame. They’re quick too. Just one chomp, a brief bloom of red water, and it’s over. It’s really disappointing.

I was, however, surprised that we did get some nudity. Not from any of the women, even though there was an extended shot of them dancing and changing into bathing suits, but from Blake, played by Chris Zylka. We get a semi-shadowed shot of him from behind as he works as a nude model.

He also spray tans his junk.

Yes, you did read that correctly.

There’s a lot here that wants to be funny and comedic in nature, but it just doesn’t hit the right tone. Or rather, there are only brief moments of it before we go back to this weird, almost neutral tone where the movie doesn’t seem like it’s really trying to be anything at all. Are we supposed to be laughing at the ridiculousness of it all? Are we supposed to be cheering for these characters to die? Invested in their relationships and hoping they survive? I’m not sure, and it feels like no one making the movie really knew either. In being so tonally inconsistent, it manages to fail at everything it gestures towards.

Okay, I have to talk about Dennis and Sara’s backstory because it is way too wild considering how little the movie actually does with it. I’m going to put a spoiler shark here just in case anyone wishes to skip it.

In a long, relatively well-acted monologue, Sara reveals that she and Dennis were high school sweethearts. She broke up with him when she decided to leave for college, but the pair decided to have one, last scuba diving trip together. Only as soon as the dive starts, Sara discovers that something is wrong with her tank. She’s out of air. Understandably freaked out, she tries to get Dennis to help her, but he just watches. She somehow manages to get to the surface, climbs into their boat, and drives off to safety.

Oh, yeah. She also DRIVES OVER DENNIS’ FACE, which is why he has the “I’m Obviously an Evil Person” scar. Potentially on purpose? Maybe a panic induced accident? It’s very unclear. It’s also very, very unclear over whether or not Dennis actually tried to kill her. I think that we’re supposed to assume so, given the fact that he’s a serial killer, but he also made it sound like it was the facial disfigurement and subsequent complete ghosting that pushed him into doing all of this in the first place. It’s more confusing than ambiguous, which is a difficult line to find.

I’m pretty sure that Sara was justified, though. Dennis’ reaction to her tearfully exclaiming that she was scared and thought that she was dying is literally “Yeah, but you didn’t,” and I love how he said it like it was some kind of sick comeback. One of the most unintentionally funny parts of the movie. It’s also the best showcase of what the movie could have been with just a little bit of tweaking.

You got competent actors, the director of Snakes on a Plane and two Final Destination movies, a fun premise, and enough elements that are really dark and messed up to give everything that much needed edge. Can you imagine this movie if it managed to hit Final Destination 2’s tone? I mean, the highway accident is still one of the most stunning set pieces I’ve ever seen. But instead, we have something uneven and almost toothless.

Random Thoughts

There are a lot of familiar faces on the cast. Donal Logue (Gotham), Sinqua Walls (Teen Wolf), and Chris Zylka (The Secret Circle; The Leftovers) are highlights in terms of shows we’ve covered here.

The cast performed a rap about the movie. Please go watch it on YouTube. It’s hysterical.

Apparently, they used a mix of CGI and practical sharks. I… did not realize that any of them were practical.

I’d love to know how our villains managed to not only catch so many different sharks, but then transport them out into the bayou and keep them alive. Although there is a throwaway line about how it’s salt water.

So, the title. I have seen it advertised both with and without '3D' at the end of it. The version that I watched listed it as Shark Night 3D.

I watched this in 2D.

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An Honest Fangirl loves video games, horror movies, and superheroes, and occasionally manages to put words together in a coherent and pleasing manner.

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