by Billie Doux
Many moons ago, I mentioned off-hand that something was one of my "television rules". I didn't really have a list of rules, but it sounded good. Awhile later, I did it again. And then a third time. And then I decided maybe I'd better keep track of the rules, and if I ever had ten, I'd post them. And then I had ten, and kept forgetting to post them. (This article is quickly turning into "Ten reasons why Billie procrastinates".)
So I should have posted them awhile ago. I'm posting them now. Without further ado or procrastination, here are my Ten Rules of Television. If you have some of your own, I'd love to see them in the comments.
1. If I really love a new show, it is usually swiftly and immediately canceled. (Corollary: A show that I later fall passionately in love with will initially turn me off in a big way.)
2. The most obvious murder suspect in real life is usually the one whodunit. On television, the opposite is true.
3. Good drama takes time. Less is more.
4. Always avoid creepy demonic statues, especially at archaeological sites.
5. Supernatural stories about Native Americans usually suck, especially when the Native Americans are elderly men.
6. In the beginning, fans are crazy about a show and love everything about it. And then, usually around season three, some of them start compulsively ripping it to shreds. Why? Because a good show must innovate and change or it gets boring as well as canceled, but some believe it must continue to be what they initially fell in love with, forever and ever, period. You'd think they'd stop watching, but no; they stick around and complain endlessly, instead. That's Billie's Television Rule #6, also known as the "Buffy season six Rule."
7. Never try to apply logic to time travel stories.
8. Any episode that starts with people burning at the stake is going to suck.
9. Nearly everyone living in a foreign country speaks perfect English.
10. (Josie's Law): If you don't see the body, don't believe anyone is dead.