Just the title of this episode made me cringe. I kept scratching myself as I was watching.
I don't know why it surprised me that it was Bennett's turn for a backstory. No, wait. Yes, I do know. It's because this is a series about women in prison and he's not a woman in prison. Honestly, I was a little pissed off about it. Plus I was truly confused about his experiences as a lipsynching fobbit soldier with very white teeth and a travel iron. Was the grenade scene at the end about how he lost his leg? I thought he got it from an infection in a hot tub?
Bennett's visit to Cesar confused me a bit, too. What did Bennett think he was going to find, an actual living situation where he could dump the baby until Daya got out? A nice home where the patriarch doesn't pull a gun on a child to make him eat leftover fries? At least Cesar was kind enough to offer Bennett a crib that his latest unfortunate baby mama actually needed. And then Bennett rejected the Cesar option by leaving that symbolic gift by the side of the road. (I was thinking practically, couldn't Bennett have said "I'll come by for it later", and never come by? How is Cesar's girlfriend going to manage with a baby and no crib?)
Aleida was also trying to figure out where her grandbaby would go while Daya finished her 37 month sentence, and hey, I get it. Mrs. Mendez (Mary Steenburgen, who is everywhere these days) has the resources, and her heart appears to be in the right place. So what if she's not actually the baby's grandmother? A comfortable room of his or her own and clean towels in a nice bathroom really is important.
Maybe that was the point of the whole metaphorical bedbug plot, since the inmates of Litchfield, who had so little before, now have even less. Lying on a metal tray instead of a mattress is not fun. Neither is walking around in a garbage bag, or a piece of blue paper, or even your bra and panties all day in front of a lot of nasty guards. Or scratching all the time because you know something is biting you, even if you can't feel it.
This episode was also about lying, because Red's anger at her family and at Piper got the Piper-naming-Alex situation out into the open. I'm glad it was already resolved and won't be dragged out for the rest of the season. And hey, at least Piper has learned to appreciate cockroaches.
But poor Red. She went to Healy for help because she needed to express her anger that her husband lied to her about something so very important to her, and Healy yelled at her that her husband's feelings were what counted, not hers. Clearly, Healy was wrapped up in his own marital issues and projecting. And now that I'm thinking about it, the Bennett plot was about Bennett's feelings, not Daya's. Wasn't it?
Let's see, what else? Oh yes, the prison is being closed down, the prisoners will be transferred, and all of the staff are going to lose their jobs. Please tell me that these women won't have to sleep on metal trays for the next two months? (Especially Daya.) It's bad enough that Caputo is burning the books. My second favorite moment in this episode was Taystee forcing herself to eat a bedbug that was most definitely not a muffin crumb in an unsuccessful attempt to save her library. If Caputo doesn't care any more, things could even get worse. Is it a good thing that this filthy, mismanaged prison is going to close, or a bad thing?
Actually, my favorite part of this episode wasn't Bennett's parental crisis or Alex and Piper having hot sex in the library. It was by far and away Black Cindy's dance with the disinfectant. Tits, pits, and naughty bits.
Little spray here, little spray thereCharacter bits:
Little spray in my underwear
Makes the buggies back off
Makes the buggies piss off
Makes the buggies back way the fuck, way the fuck off
-- Bennett proposed to Daya with a ring made of gum wrappers because gum was how they met. That was sweet.
-- Piper came to the realization that she is manipulative. But she knew that already, and so did we.
-- Suzanne is going to go ballistic when she finds out Vee is dead.
-- Poussey, who made a fashion statement with a shell necklace, is really into the voodoo egg thing. What's up with Poussey? Something serious, I think.
-- Cesar told Bennett that Aleida ruined Daya's quinceanera party by getting drunk, falling on the cake, and catching on fire. Sounds like Aleida.
-- Who took the stash that Nicky and Big Boo were going to sell through Luschek? Was it Big Boo? I thought that Luschek would probably sell the dope and not give them their cut anyway, but there is no dope now.
-- More suicide talk, this time with Luschek, Nicky, and car exhaust.
-- Red didn't lose her bunk or Piper as her roomie while she was in the hospital. Why was she in the transition bunk room with Alex and Sister Ingalls, then?
-- Gloria used oatmeal to cure the bedbugs. Soso said they should use bean leaves.
-- This episode's feminine hygiene product was one of the prisoners making a mattress out of maxipads.
-- I wonder how the director decided which actresses got to wear blue paper, which got the garbage bags, and which of them had to go around in bras and panties?
Gloria: "You hear the one about the pregnant bedbug? She gave birth in the spring."
Maritza: "But these are just pads. We don't got springs."
Red: "Nice is for cowards and Democrats."
So politically incorrect of you, Red.
Ms. Mendez: "I have two other boys. One is in dental school and the other is an art historian."
Aleida: "So you raised a sadist, a dentist and a homo. Two sadists and a homo."
So politically incorrect of you, Aleida.
Caputo: "This is not Three Men and a Baby. You and Mendez are not Guttenberg and Selleck. You are two morons and a ward of the state."
Suzanne: "I will potato her at a future time."
Taystee: "This is like the Titanic of bad ideas. Like we're steering out the way of bedbugs and crashing into an iceberg of chemical burns and shit."
Black Cindy: "Please. My grammy used to douche with disinfectant."
Nicky: "Speaking allegorically..."
Luschek: "You want to talk about Al Gore?"
Alex: "I'm literally garbage."
Red: "I married a pillow. Always soft, lumpy and lying behind my back."
Piper: "You just described my mother. She's a kibun ninja, or whatever the Korean version of ninja is. And then the WASP version of that."
Red: "Awaken your inner Russian."
Piper: "No more bullshit."
Red: "Nostrovia. The world is better in black and white. And red."
Didn't much like this one. Two out of four… what do you think? Potatoes, kibun ninjas, or travel irons? Because it isn't going to be bedbugs,
Billie Doux is the founder of Doux Reviews and has been reviewing her favorite shows for quite some time. More Billie Doux.