Sherlock: A Study in Pink

Sherlock: "The game, Mrs Hudson, is on!"

Sherlock is a reboot of the Sherlock Holmes franchise and is the brain child of Doctor Who head-writer Steven Moffat and The League of Gentlemen's Mark Gatiss. It's also set in modern day London. Sounds awful? That's what I thought. In fact, I was completely prepared to hate this programme. How can anything good come of moving an iconic 19th century detective to the 21st century? Is the character of Sherlock Holmes even relevant these days? More importantly, can his unique brand of deductive reasoning cut the mustard in this modern age of GPS, computers and forensics?

Vampire Diaries: Let the Right One In

“Revenge. They want revenge.”

Our heroes and our villains are choosing sides. Damon, Elena, and Alaric made an alliance to save Stefan, the tombies are replaying the civil war, and Jeremy is trying to bat for the other team. With only five episodes left until the finale, it seems like some serious battle lines are being drawn.

Star Trek: The Return of the Archons

Man: "Come for the Festival, ayuh?"
Kirk: "Yes."
Man: "Got a place to sleep it off yet?"

Was this a communism metaphor?

The X-Files: Born Again

Case: The death of Detective Barbala, who appears to have been thrown out a window by an eight-year-old girl.
Destination: Buffalo, New York

‘Born Again’ takes us back to basic freak-of-the-week territory when, during an investigation of a suspicious suicide, Mulder and Scully encounter Michelle Bishop, a psychologically damaged young girl who may have telekinetic powers. When Michelle seems inexplicably connected to Charlie Morris, a police officer who died before she was born, Mulder begins to suspect that Michelle is Charlie, born anew and seeking revenge on his killers.

Moonlight: 12:04 AM

Mick: "Shepherd's risen, all right. And he is pissed."

Audrey certainly lucked into the right private detective, didn't she?

The crazed cult leader plot has been done to death, so to speak. It was pretty obvious right from the start that Donovan Shepherd thwarted his own execution because he'd been turned, and I'm glad they didn't try to pretend the audience wouldn't figure that out.

Haven, so far

[This review contains spoilers for the first three episodes, "Welcome to Haven," "Butterfly," and "Harmony."]

Nathan: "Keep your hands where I can see them."
Audrey: "What am I gonna do, pull out another gun?"

The "quirky small town with a supernatural secret" has been done to death, and the SyFy channel is not known for consistency when it comes to the quality of their original series. But I have to say that I was more entertained by the first ten minutes of Haven than the first two full episodes (which were all I watched) of The Gates and Happy Town.

The female lead, FBI agent Audrey Parker (Emily Rose), is particularly strong, and I like her a lot. Audrey grew up as an orphan with no past and discovered during this pilot episode that she may have a connection to Haven, a town that appears to be trying to kill her. So far, the situation with Audrey's possible mother in the old newspaper photo feels like an excuse to get her to stay in town, because otherwise, why would a talented, ambitious FBI agent stay in weird little tiny little Haven? But it's true that finding out about one's past is strong motivation, and of course, there are the mysterious "troubles." So okay.

And the other characters certainly didn't bore me. I like the town's detective, Nathan Wournos (Lucas Bryant), and his ideopathic neuropathy (loved the EMT telling him he would get his tenth MRI for free). The producers also get points for casting Eric Balfour (Six Feet Under) (okay, and the Buffy pilot) as Duke Crocker, which is just an exceptionally cool name for what might be a cool character. Nicole de Boer guest starred in the pilot, and I've always been fond of her, too. The producers of Haven also did The Dead Zone, so she's worked with them before.

Since this review is late (I had intended to post a review of the pilot, but other stuff got in the way), I can report that I liked the second episode ("Butterfly"), too, even though it wasn't quite as strong as the pilot. They get big points for the big metal ball. Loved the big metal ball. And the third episode ("Harmony") was a good one; Lucas Bryant got a chance to shine -- or more accurately, to freak me out. You'd think never feeling pain would be a good thing, but there's something about his malady that is just super creepy. (Yes, I know, Stephen King, of course it's creepy.) Eric Balfour's Duke was fun in this one, too. I'm a bit confused about his history with Nathan, but I'm certain we'll learn more as the series progresses.

I particularly liked the ending of "Harmony", because about three quarters through, I was saying to Dan, "Wouldn't it be great if that nice couple could just go off on the boat and be together forever? And they could take those two catatonic guys with them." And son of a gun, it happened. If there can be a feel-good ending to a horror story, that was it.

Haven is just fun to watch. It strikes the right note between scary and ludicrous. (And again, points for the big metal ball.) I have no idea if the show will succeed, but I'm getting a charge out of it, and looking forward to it every week.

And I'll close with a quote from the pilot.

Audrey: "Santa Barbara?"
Marian: "Yes. Have you been there?"
Audrey: "Twice. Once for a pedophile, the other for a serial killer."
Ted: "Marian and I are thinking of moving there and buying a shop."
Audrey: "Oh, it's beautiful. It's... it's... beautiful. And a lot safer now."

• Haven home
  

The X-Files: Tooms

Case: The return of Eugene Victor Tooms, who is up for release from the sanitarium.
Destination: Baltimore, Maryland

‘Tooms’ brings us back to the early days of The X-Files by resuming the story of Eugene Victor Tooms, genetic mutant extraordinaire. When Tooms is deemed capable of rejoining society by the court, Mulder embarks on a one-man surveillance mission to ensure that the quietly creepy killer does not claim the last of his five livers before going back into hibernation. Meanwhile, Scully struggles to balance her boss’s insistence that the X-Files investigations proceed “by the book” with her desire to help her partner catch an unconventional murderer.

Star Trek: Court Martial

Kirk: "It's not all bad, Mister Spock. Who knows? You may be able to beat your next captain at chess."

Did they forget they were doing a sci-fi show?

True Blood: I Got a Right to Sing the Blues

Russell: "Tell me what you are."
Sookie: "I'm a waitress."
Russell: "Yes, and I am Marie of Romania."

When I begin a review, I usually start with the prevailing theme of the episode. This one was such a violent jumble that all I could think of was half-naked men and a whole lot of blood. And did you notice that all of the violence was inflicted by women? Not what I would consider a valid feminist theme, but it was a nice change of pace.

Persons Unknown: Smoke and Steel

The Great Unnamed Organization (GUO) routinely kidnaps people who have lots of untapped potential, puts them through a sort of life-coach wilderness adventure trial by fire, and the sets them on their merry way to succeed, become powerful, and owe it all to GUO. Despite the vast number of people who do this, only one—whom we have yet to meet—has any objection to this coercive brainwashing. Everyone else feels like they owe it all to the program.

Don't You Just Love Vampires, Josie?

Yes, yes I do. Sadly, though, I gave myself the unenviable task of being the last of our vampire interviews, so I'm not sure I have many original insights to contribute. But if you find this interview boring, don't despair: Billie is compiling a list of the best Buffy quotes for next Sunday. A fitting end to Vampire Month.

What are your top 3 vampire TV shows?

Angel, Buffy. Vampire Diaries is good, but it’s not at Buffy/Angel-levels of awesome yet. Then again, neither were those shows in their first seasons, so who knows what will happen?


What are your top 3 vampire movies?

I’m just not a huge fan of movies in general. Too short for a long narrative arc, too long for the quick 45-minute jab. But From Dusk Till Dawn is the vampire movie I’ve watched most recently, so I’ll say it’s that one. I’ve got Let The Right One In (which Dimitri loves) sitting on top of my DVD player, but I haven’t watched it yet. See above, re: not a huge fan of movies.


What are your top 3 vampire books?

Stephen King’s ‘Salem’s Lot, Elizabeth Kostova’s The Historian, and Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Is that last one too pretentious? It really is good.

Wait! I want to add a fourth. The Song of Ice and Fire series, which is being made into the TV show Game of Thrones by HBO. There’s something vampiric going on, although the details aren’t yet clear. It’s the only fantasy series that I’ve read and enjoyed. And I’ve read it four times through.



Which vampire universe would you most like to be a vampire in?

Moonlight. Immortality, eternal youth, superpowers? Check. Problems with stakes, garlic, and bursting into flames in the sun? Uncheck. All the good, none of the bad. Plus, the vampires on Moonlight aren’t soulless—I’d hate to be soulless. Well, I guess I wouldn’t hate it once it happened, but I hate the idea of it now, as a souled person.


What are your top 3 vampire kisses?

It’s not quite a kiss, but Drusilla turning Spike in "Fool for Love" is fabulous. Ow, ow, ow!

Damon smooching a certain someone in the Vampire Diaries Season Finale comes to mind, too. (I won't say who, for those of you watching VD this summer for the first time.)

Hmmm…a third. Oh! Buffy pretending to be the Buffybot, kissing poor bloody Spike in "Intervention."


What are your top 3 vampire fight scenes?

Angel and Spike in "Smile Time." (Wee little puppet man, indeed.) Angel and Spike in "Destiny." Angel and Hamilton in "Not Fade Away." I'm not sure this counts, as Angel leaves the fight early on, but the battle with the Beast in "Reign of Fire," when Wesley pulls a giant shotgun out of his bigger-on-the-inside pockets, is my favorite fight scene in the whole wide world.

I think it’s time I re-watch Angel. It’s been too long.

Buffy’s first fight with the ubervamp, where she sustains internal injuries, is emotionally wrenching. I can’t remember which episode that was, though. Help, anyone?


Who's the sexiest/favorite female vamp?

Willow in “The Wish.” You can’t go wrong with a corset.


Who's the sexiest/favorite male vamp? (Because with vampires, aren't sexy and favorite the same thing?)

I would like to keep Spike as my pet.


Favorite Buffy quote?

There are a billion possibilities; I pepper my everyday speech with Buffyisms all the time, to the enormous confusion of my friends and associates. Turns out that if you tell someone they’re using “insane troll logic,” they get offended. But “time is what turns kittens into cats” can easily be worked into most conversations, even with non-Buffy-watchers, and just the other day I made a joke about somebody having the maturity of a blueberry scone.

I had a much longer list, but I lost it, and my Indian food just got here. Sometimes even Buffy has to come second to a good malai kofta.


Best vampire death scene?

Darla (the second time around). Or the Master’s death in "The Wish." The exploding vampires on True Blood are neat-looking, but awfully icky.


What do you like most about vampires?

I don’t know. I don’t really think of myself as a vampire fan, despite my Buffy and Angel devotion, and no matter how much Dimitri teases me. Then again, I don’t really think of myself as a genre fan, yet I write for a genre site, and Stephen King is one of my favorite authors. Maybe I have identity issues.

I really like stories. Stories with actual plots, stories that play with narrative structure and conventions, stories where I can identify with the characters, but not in a boring quotidian way. I like my books, my TV, and the few movies I watch to show me reality askew, and vampires are just a popular way of creating those slightly off-beat realities.

I’m also absurdly interested in the portrayal of time in narrative. (Yes, I know that’s weird.) Vampires do crazy things with time, and because they live for such a long time, their presence in a story usually makes the traditional A-B-C plot go all wonky.

I haven’t answered the question at all, have I? It’s my particular skill. (Yes, that’s a quote from Angel.)


What's the first thing you'd do if you were turned into a vampire?

I could lie and come up with an impossibly cool scenario involving black leather pants, my favorite 4-inch heels, and an elegant slo-mo fight with zombie hordes, but the truth is that I’d probably call my little brother to get his opinion on the evolutionary ramifications of whole undead thing.


Who would win, vampires or zombies?

Cavemen. [Sob.]


Team Edward or Team Jacob?

I’m with Jorge Garcia on this one.


Summarize in 100 words or less the vampire-movie screenplay you're secretly writing.

Vampire cowboys and zombie Indians. Sam Peckinpah meets Underworld meets Dawn of the Dead meets John Ford. All the parts will be played by pandas.

The X-Files: Darkness Falls

Case: The disappearance of thirty loggers.
Destination: Olympic National Forest, Northwest Washington State

When thirty loggers vanish without a trace in Northwest Washington, Mulder and Scully take “a nice trip to the forest” to investigate their disappearance. Initially, the primary suspect is a group of “eco-terrorists” that have been actively harassing the logging company, but the agents soon discover a desiccated body trapped in an enormous cocoon and realize that something much more terrifying and dangerous is to blame.

Vampire Diaries: There Goes the Neighborhood

Stefan: “I remember them, from 1864.”
Damon: “Yeah, about that.”

Melinda Clarke and the Pearl-led tombies really shook things up tonight. The title refers to both of them, but they couldn’t be more different: Kelly isn’t much of a mom, but Pearl runs her crew, and her daughter, with an iron fist. Neither Kelly’s laissez-faire policy nor Pearl’s dictatorship, though, really worked out the way they wanted.

Star Trek: Tomorrow is Yesterday

Colonel: "I am going to lock you up for two hundred years."
Kirk: "That ought to be just about right."

This was a fun one.

Writer D.C. Fontana, who penned several terrific Star Trek episodes, must have thought about what a viewer would want to see in a situation like this, and that's exactly what she gave us.

The X-Files: Shapes

Case: The death of Joseph Goodensnake, a Native American who may have been murdered by Jim Parker, a white rancher with whom Joseph had a reservation boundary dispute.
Destination: Northwest Montana

‘Shapes’ finds Mulder and Scully traveling to Montana to investigate a reservation homicide, which Mulder suspects may be linked to the very first X-file, initiated by J. Edgar Hoover in 1946.

Moonlight: The Ringer

“She’s a dead ringer for Katherine Coraline.”

Alex O'Loughlin spent most of this episode looking completely nonplussed—at Morgan, at the fire photos, at Beth’s idea that he was hitting on her co-worker. I found Mick’s reactions more interesting than the plot of the week, although the is-she-or-isn’t-she emotional roller-coaster definitely ended on a high note. Josef’s sassy comments were pretty delightful, too.

True Blood: Trouble

Tara: "We need to talk."
Franklin: "Don't say that. Women say that, everything goes black, and I wake up surrounded by body parts."

I gotta say, my favorite part of this season so far is lunatic vampire Franklin Mott and his obsession with Tara.

Persons Unknown: The Truth

Okay, dear readers, dear strangers. It’s time for a confession. No, I don’t work for the evil whatever-it-is that’s running the “program” in the mysterious town. No, I’m not behind Tori’s death, and I’m not secretly married to Janet. But I am starting to feel awfully sluggish about this show—and I’d like to hear what you think, because I find myself consumed in a violent conflagration of 100% proof apathy. See, even my metaphors aren’t working.

Vampire Diaries: A Few Good Men

“Unrequited love sucks.”

It’s all about moms tonight—a bit odd, for an episode called "A Few Good Men". While Mia Kirschner’s Isobel is the emotional center of most of the plots afoot, Melinda Clarke (Julie Cooper from The O.C.) is the highlight. Two hot mamas.

Vampire Diaries: Children of the Damned

“Some people just shouldn’t journal.”

Normally, I don’t enjoy scenes in which two characters talk about a third. It’s lazy storytelling and lazy characterization. But Elena and Stefan, talking about Damon in the kitchen, was perfect: as they figured out Damon’s thoughts and motivations, they were also talking about themselves, and Stefan was, in his own way, reflecting on the past.

The X-Files: Miracle Man

Case: A series of deaths which apparently occurred at the hands of a young faith healer.
Destination: Kenwood, Tennessee

As the star of his adoptive father’s “Miracle Ministry,” Samuel Hartley has been miraculously healing the afflicted for the past 10 years, much to the chagrin of local authorities who believe the whole thing is a scam. When several of Samuel’s recent attempts at healing result in deaths, Scully and Mulder are called in to assist in the investigation. Mulder begins to suspect the boy is a legitimate psychic healer, after he “sees” Mulder’s long-held pain regarding his sister, but believes that the murders are the work of a third party.

Vampire Diaries: Unpleasantville

“What is this, like, a threesome now? You and the Salvatore brothers?”

The Vampire Diaries are all about vampire diaries in this episode. Not just Elena’s and Stefan’s journals, but Jonathan Gilbert’s, Papa Salvatore’s, Anna’s alleged grandfather…The parallelism is interesting: a whole collection of first-person narratives being exchanged among people (vampires) who have inhabited all the times under discussion. Whoever possesses the stories has the power.

Vampire Diaries: Bloodlines

“I knew that I could trust you if you believed that I was worthy of your trust.”

I think there might be a trust theme here. Bonnie doesn’t trust her powers, Elena doesn’t trust her boyfriend, Jeremy isn’t sure about trusting this pretty Anna girl, Damon is starting to trust Elena... but will she trust him? Should she? Can she help it? He’s just so pretty.

Moonlight: B.C.

Lola: "'Evil' is a word that gets tossed around a lot. Like 'great' or 'awesome'."

When this series first aired, "Fever" kept me watching. But "B.C." closed the deal.

Vampire Diaries: The Turning Point

“Oh, that sucks.”

This is it! This is the episode of Vampire Diaries that made me a convert, back during the CW’s marathon in December! Looking back, I think the past five episodes have been pretty darn awesome. I also realize the comedy inherent in being turned by an episode called “The Turning Point.” But I felt all nostalgic during my re-watch.

Star Trek: Arena

Kirk: "We're a most promising species, Mister Spock, as predators go. Did you know that?"

This episode had not one, not two, but three continuing Star Trek themes: an all-powerful superior race or being toying with the Enterprise, a seemingly heartless and evil enemy turning out to have good reasons for what it was doing, and Kirk once again sacrificing himself for his ship. But they are good themes, and the ultimate point of the story was valid. We're better than this. Brain is mightier than brawn. Mercy toward an enemy is the right thing to do, even if you're not sure they deserve it.

The X-Files: E.B.E.

Case: An apparent close encounter for a truck driver in Tennessee.
Destination: Tennessee, Washington, D.C., Las Vegas, and Washington State

‘E.B.E.’ marks the return of the overarching show mythology, and finds Mulder and Scully in pursuit of suspected alien craft wreckage and/or an extra-terrestrial biological entity (E.B.E.) while trying to dodge shadowy government conspirators following their every move.

Vampire Diaries: History Repeating

“I think we should start over. Give this brother thing another chance.”

Good brother, bad brother. Ex-boyfriend, new potential. Best friend, other best friend. The past and the present. Elena and Katherine. The boundaries are getting blurry, sometimes due to forces beyond anyone’s control.

Vampire Diaries: 162 Candles

“When it’s real, you can’t walk away.”

There’s no reason this episode should have worked. Introduce a new character, let us get to know her, then stake her—these cameo deaths are as old as Lexie herself. But, despite itself, this episode was pretty darn good. Plus, we found out that Damon has a diabolical master plan.

True Blood: 9 Crimes

Ann: "I know the truth about life. It's a hell I'll never get out of alive."
Bill: "No one does."

You know what? This has nothing to do with my obsessive Eric/Sookie shippiness, but I just realized that I like Bill a lot better when he's not with Sookie.

Don't You Just Love Vampires, Jess?

[The next installment in our interviews with the writers about vampires.]

Actually, no I don’t. I’m a huge fan of Buffy and Angel, and I really liked the first two Underworld movies, but other than that, I’m not really into vampire lit, media, or culture. It’s not even like I’ve tried the other vampire stuff and not liked it (True Blood, Twilight, Vampire Diaries, Anne Rice, Laurel K. Hamilton, etc.)...

I just don’t have any interest in it. Vampires aren’t my thing, and if there are vampires in it, I’m typically not inclined to check it out.

That said, I’ve always been fascinated by the apparent discontinuity between my complete adulation of the Buffyverse and my total lack of interest in other things vampire. A friend who feels the same way tells me it’s because Buffy wasn’t actually a show about vampires. It was a show about fascinating characters, which used fighting vampires and other freaky things as a way to tell great stories about basic human emotions. He may be right. Because I really don’t like horror stories either, and yet I love Supernatural. But that’s not really a horror show, is it? It’s a show about two really fascinating characters, which uses horror tropes and other freaky things to tell great stories about basic human emotions. Interesting.

So with that said, and my fairly limited knowledge on the subject, here are my top picks for Vampires!

Top 3 movies --- Underworld, Underworld: Evolution (Yes, that’s only two, but I can’t in good conscience put Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans on this list. And I didn’t really care for Interview with the Vampire or Bram Stoker’s Dracula.)

Top 3 TV shows --- Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Supernatural (because they had a couple episodes featuring vampires)

Top 3 books --- I have never read a vampire book. Or, if I did, it has long since faded from memory.

Top 3 vampire kisses --- Now this is hard. Seven seasons of Buffy, five seasons of Angel, and two Underworld movies. I’m glad I don’t have more than that from which to choose.

1) Buffy and Angel’s kiss before she closes the portal to hell, ‘Becoming, Part 2’ (Buffy, Season 2)

2) Spike and Buffy’s kiss at the end of ‘Once More with Feeling’ (Buffy, Season 6)

3) Spike and Drusilla’s near kiss when we first see them together in ‘School Hard’ (Buffy, Season 2) --- I love the way she licks the blood off his face and then they almost kiss before leaning their foreheads together and turning out to face their minions. Quite a first impression!

Top 3 vampire fight scenes --- Should this be any fight involving a vampire, or only fights between vampires? Hmmm … I’ll go with a little of both.

1) Buffy vs. Angelus, ‘Becoming, Part 2’ (Buffy, Season 2)

2) Spike vs. Angel, ‘Destiny’ (Angel, Season 5)

3) Spike vs. Buffy intercut with Spike vs. ‘70s Slayer --- ‘Fool for Love’ (Buffy, Season 5)

My husband requested an honorable mention for the movie From Dusk Till Dawn, which is apparently one long vampire fight scene. :)

Sexiest female vamp --- Celine, Underworld

Sexiest male vamp --- Spike, Buffy/Angel

Vampire universe I would most like to be a vampire in --- The Doppleganger Reality from Buffy’s ‘The Wish’ (because you sure as hell didn’t want to be human in that universe!)

Favorite Buffy quote --- “Hasn’t got a death wish? Bitch won’t need one.” Spike, ‘Fool for Love’

Team Edward or Team Jacob? --- Team Jacob. I know he’s the interfering bastard that lured everyone to the Island, but if he hadn’t done that, we wouldn’t have gotten Lost for six crazy years, right? And I love me some Lost.

Oh wait --- this is a Twilight question, isn’t it? Hmmm … how about Team “Why are either of these guys so hot for that sullen Bella?” Or Team “My mom won't even let me watch Twilight. She says she thinks Kristen Stewart seems like a bitch.” (Tina, Glee)

OK, OK. I guess I’ll go with Team Jacob. Because he’s the werewolf, right? Like I said at the beginning, when it comes to vampires, “I’m just not that into you.” Sorry, Edward. Please don’t bite me.

Next week: Dimitri takes on vampires!

Vampire Diaries: Fool Me Once

“God, it’s like 1864 all over again.”

We’re back in the thick of it with this episode: Bonnie and Elena are still kidnapped, Damon and Stefan are still at loggerheads, and something is a-brewing with the Witches of Mystic Falls. There’s a lot going on in this episode, enough to mask the fact (for me, first time ‘round) that it’s really a long-con episode.

Moonlight: Arrested Development

“Maybe it’s the sum of a million coincidences beyond our control that brings us to a particular place at a particular time.”

It’s all about fate, and everything that gets in the way of fate. In our plot of the week, the killer vampire’s immortality was ruined by a cruel twist of fate (and some really bad acne)—Mick and Beth are just as cursed, only with slightly more epic problems.

Star Trek: The Squire of Gothos

Kirk: "If it's fighting that you want, you may have it."
Trelane: "Are you challenging me to a duel?"

I've always enjoyed this episode. It was probably a combination of William Campbell's gleeful, exuberant performance as Trelane, and the clever twist at the end.

Wonderfalls: Caged Bird

Objects: Caged Bird, Barrel Bear, Karma Chameleon
Mission: “Let him go,” “Tell him you’re happy,” “Give him heart,” and “There’s a hidden door in the bathroom”

‘Caged Bird’ brings the series to a close with a hostage crisis at Wonderfalls and with Jaye and Eric trying to cope with “goodbye” after Heidi arrives to take Eric home to New Jersey. While trying to escape police, an armed robber ends up trapped in the gift shop and takes Jaye, Sharon, Alec, and Wade (the mall security guard) hostage. Jaye is continually encouraged to bolster Wade’s confidence, which leads to him having a heart attack while attempting to bludgeon the robber with a souvenir paddle. As the robber grows increasingly desperate, the animals tip Jaye off to an escape route through the bathroom. The robber takes her along to protect himself, but ends up getting killed by an ambulance speeding to the scene. Ultimately, the deceased robber’s heart goes to the security guard, saving his life, and Eric and Heidi split up, leaving Jaye and Eric free to be together at last!

Yea!!! I love it when a plan comes together! The frustrating, heartbreaking torture of the last run of episodes finally comes to an end as Jaye and Eric are united at long last! I’m thrilled we got to close on a “happily ever after” note for our favorite, star-crossed, not-yet-lovers. I like to imagine the two of them growing old together, keeping busy with hilarious and vague mission directives from Jaye’s animal voices. Setting the Universe to rights with trusty sidekicks Mahandra and Aaron, and with the hapless Sharon inadvertently helping out or getting screwed over, depending on the week. Oh, and the team always makes time for family breakfast and family game night at the Tylers. Dreamy sigh.

I really would have liked to see more misadventures with our core characters, but ‘Caged Bird’ was a fitting end for the series. A hostage crisis could definitely be viewed more as a “stunt” episode than a series finale, but despite the extreme situation it somehow managed to both amuse and provide closure on the main story arcs. In the previous episode, the writers provided some resolution for the series premise, with Jaye basically accepting her special gift and her great purpose (or her role as “fate’s bitch,” if you will). For the finale, they made Aaron’s and Mahandra’s relationship official, gave us several great Tyler family moments --- including a big emotional group hug after the hostage drama --- sent Heidi packing, and had Eric become a permanent Niagara Falls resident. Oh, and did I mention Jaye and Eric were reunited?! Joyous, happy day! With the exception of Jaye’s trailer, they even managed to feature all my favorite locations: the store, the bar, and the Tyler house (and the trailer at least got a shout out). And they capped the episode with a cute final exchange between Jaye and her very first talking animal ---

Wax Lion: “A word of advice ...”
Jaye: “Shut up!”

This episode was also a solid hour of entertainment, with good misdirection and multiple interpretations for Jaye’s missions, plus loads of great character interactions. Sharon comforting Jaye in the manager’s office. Aaron inviting Mahandra to his parents’ anniversary dinner as his date. “How could you say no to delicious?” Mahandra giving in to her feelings by kissing Aaron in public. Karen and Darrin getting busy in the laundry room. “Washer or dryer?” “Washer! Washer!” Eric and Jaye in all their goodbye scenes (although they made me want to hurl things at the television) and the wonderful “hello!” scene at the end. Mahandra prodding Eric about leaving and why he needed her to cover for him with Heidi. Even the surprising combination of Heidi and Mahandra was a winner. I loved how Heidi totally knew what was up and just laid it out there. “Just be decent about this, and tell me why he’s sneaking off to see Crazy.”

I really loved the scene between Jaye and Sharon in the manager’s office. It was a wonderful, poignant moment for the sisters and a fantastic way to bring that relationship full circle. Only three months ago, way back in the Pilot, Jaye was barely comfortable hugging her sister and telling her she loved her. Now she’s confiding her deepest pain, crying in Sharon’s arms, and letting her big sister help. Awesome. Plus, Caroline and Katie completely rocked that scene! When Jaye cried out, “I had to let him go, but I didn’t wanna let him go. I wanted to keep this one,” I started tearing up a bit myself. And this exchange just killed me:

Sharon: “You love him?”
Jaye: “Yes.”
Sharon: “Is he gone?”
Jaye (sobbing): “He’s going.”
Sharon (gently): “Is he gone?”

Fantastic stuff. I was so impressed with Sharon in this episode. I was strangely surprised that she didn’t panic during the hostage crisis. I don’t know why it should surprise me, because we’ve seen her hold it together through several tough, high-pressure situations. I guess I have this mental image of her running into the Tyler kitchen with the tennis shoe from the gutter and semi-freaking out about the missing “children” in ‘Safety Canary.’ But she handled herself very well here: trying to talk the robber down with legal advice; trying to covertly send a message to her parents; deftly switching the phone with the tazer and stunning the robber; and using the tazer to revive the security guard. She was a rock! Jaye was very brave, too.

Other Thoughts

One story arc that didn’t get resolved: Sharon and Beth. We’ll never know if Beth slept with her ex-husband and went straight again. Did Sharon lose her girlfriend?

I loved the reveal that even though Jaye hadn’t tried to signal him, Eric knew something was off and went to the police. “I just knew something was wrong. I came by to say goodbye, and she wouldn’t let me do it. And when you care about somebody, even if she’s upset with him, you let him at least have that.”

Heidi accidentally hitting the escape van was too perfect. “Of course, now she’s kicking herself for saving your life.” And the ambulance taking out the robber was definitely a shock! I’m pretty sure I gasped. Or maybe even shrieked like Heidi and Jaye!

I really liked the Sarah McLachlan song playing over the end of the hostage crisis (‘Dirty Little Secret’).

If I had the chance, love,
I would not hesitate,
To tell you all the things I never said before.
Don’t tell me it’s too late.

Cause I’ve relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night.
But I denied in my capacity to love.
I am willing, to give up this fight.
Oh, I am willing to give up this fight.

The lyrics really resonated with the moment and with Jaye’s emotional arc through the series, especially as she watched Eric and Heidi walking away together. Of course, this was at least the third time I wanted to throw things at the television. But, in the end, it all worked out just as I --- uh, the Universe wanted it to, so all is forgiven.

Quotes

Eric: “This was all sort of inevitable, right? Me going back to Jersey. I mean, it is what it is. Right?”

Wade: “George W. Bush doesn’t like them either, so you can forget about working in a government or police agency.”
Shoplifter: “Is that why you’re not a real cop? You got caught shoplifting?”

Wade: “Unpleasant situations can be avoided by making good life choices.”
Jaye: “I have to disagree. I make good life choices. Mostly because they’re forced on me, but I make them. And I find myself in unpleasant situations all the time.”

Jaye: “We’re all fate’s bitch. You might as well go ahead and bend over for destiny now.”

Mahandra: “I’m a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’ve infiltrated her flock and now I’m about to eat her delicious baby lamb. Answer’s no.”
Aaron: “But, you just said that I’m delicious. How could you say no to delicious?”

Jaye: “What about me? Who’s gonna give me heart? Who’s gonna strengthen my resolve? Because my resolve is definitely losing structural integrity.”

Jaye (crying): “I know there’s that whole clause about letting somebody go, and what it means if they come back, and blah, blah, blah ...”

Barrel Bear: “Give him heart.”
Jaye: “No. And you can’t make me.”
Robber: [Sticks gun in her face] "Get on the floor!”
Jaye: “Oh god! [...] OK. So maybe you can make me.”

Alec: “Please, don’t kill me! I can’t die! I’ve never been with a woman.”
Robber: [Swings gun towards Sharon] "You.”
Sharon: “I have been with a woman!”

Wade: “It may shoot rubber pellets, but it’s a fully licensed crowd-dispersal firearm.”

Mahandra: “You don’t trust him.”
Heidi: “Well, of course, I don’t trust him. Have you seen the way he looks at her?”
Mahandra: “I’ve seen it.”
Heidi: “Well, then you know.”
Mahandra: “Yeah. I know.”

Heidi: “Are you listening to yourself? Whining to me about a guy who wants to be with you, and knows he wants to be with you? Please, tell me what is so confusing about that, so I can listen to you whine some more and not kill myself. Please!”

Eric: “It was inevitable. Everything that had to happen, happened. [...] I had to leave before I could come back.”

Eric: “I’m a resident. And I’m single, if ... anyone were to be interested.”

Final Analysis: Wonderfalls had precious few episodes, but it was a hell of a ride. The show took us from the confusion and ecstasy of falling in love for the first time, through the agony of crushing heartbreak, and hit all the notes in between. It brought laughter, tears, fury, and elation, but mostly laughter. Careening crazily from one laugh-out-loud adventure to the next, Wonderfalls was quite the full experience. ‘Caged Bird’ brings the show to an enjoyable and fitting end, and I close the book on the series content and delighted to share the joy with others. Thanks for watching with me!

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Moonlight: Fever

Beth: "You're a delicate flower, Mick St. John."

Tonight's theme was trust.

Newsflash: 2010 Emmy Nominations

The 2010 Emmy nominations were announced this morning, and a surprising number of shows covered here at Billie Doux received nominations, including Lost, Glee, and True Blood! See a full list of nominations here.

Glee was showered with the most love, receiving 19 nominations. Nominations include Best Comedy, Matthew Morrison (Will) for Best Lead Actor, Lea Michelle (Rachel) for Best Lead Actress, and Jane Lynch (Sue) and Chris Colfer (Kurt) for Supporting Actress and Actor. Even the guest actors received some shout outs with Mike O'Malley (Kurt's dad), Neil Patrick Harris (Bryan Ryan), and Kristen Chenowith (April) getting nominations.

Lost also got several nominations for its final season, including Best Drama, Matthew Fox for Lead Actor, Terry O'Quinn and Michael Emerson for Supporting Actor, and Elizabeth Mitchell for Guest Actress. The finale was also nominated for directing and writing awards.

True Blood only got one major nomination, but it was a biggie, as it now goes against Lost in the Best Drama race.

Other personal favorites include a number of nominations for Modern Family (go Eric Stonestreet and Sofia Vergara!), a nod for Andre Braugher (I don't watch Men of a Certain Age, I've just loved him since his days on Homicide), Jim Parsons for The Big Bang Theory, and Connie Britton and Kyle Chandler for Friday Night Lights.

In case you couldn't tell from the picture, I'm most psyched about these last two nominations. Connie and Kyle have been doing amazing work for years as Tami and Eric Taylor, and I hear the rest of this current season is no exception (I'm watching on NBC). They've got almost no shot at winning, and I know it is foolish to look to the Emmy's for validation for your favorites, but it feels so sweet when they do get recognized! Here's to Kyle and Connie for these MUCH deserved nods!

Vampire Diaries: Haunted

“So she’s a vampire with issues?”

Vicki is a terrible vampire. Her lack of impulse control, her tendency towards addiction, and her lack of awareness about the harm she causes those around her are just magnified by the newer, stronger hunger for blood. We knew this couldn’t end well. But, even so, how it ended came as a surprise to me.

From Dusk Till Dawn

“Okay, ramblers. Let’s get rambling.”

Robert Rodriguez’s From Dusk Till Dawn is a movie about a plucky band of misfits who learn the values of family, togetherness, strength in adversity, and Jesus. It's also about theft, vampires, gore, rape, and murder. And it’s got George Clooney. This review covers the basics but doesn’t give away the death toll. Although, obviously, I just gave away that people die. Such are the perils of Vampire Month.


Seth Gecko (George Clooney) and his brother Richie (Quentin Tarantino) are bank robbers on the lam in the wasteland of south-west Texas. When they bump into the Fuller family (Harvey Keitel is Dad, Juliette Lewis is daughter Kate, and Ernest Liu is son Scott) the Geckos take them, and their RV, hostage to make a mad dash towards the border. Once there, the group finds itself in an overwrought, bikers- and truckers-only strip joint that turns out to be filled to the brim (of its ten-gallon, of course) with vampires.

The entire first hour is taken up with the hostage/road-trip story; the last 40 minutes are almost pure gross-out gore in, as my Netflix envelope claims, the tradition of 1960s Mexican vampire movies. I love that Rodriguez and screenwriter Tarantino took this risks of making such a bisected movie: aside from Psycho, I can’t think of many other films that are willing to switch narrative modes so suddenly and with such panache. (Re-watching FDTD, though, I did wonder if Justin Cronin had it in mind when structuring The Passage.)

Allowing so much time in what’s basically the set-up also means that we get to know our heroes, and be alternately repelled and attracted by them. Seth is a dashingly handsome bank robber who never kills people “unless he has to,” but his brother Richie is much less ambiguous: he’s a rapist with a hot fuse and a mild case of schizophrenia. Tarantino doesn’t play him for much sympathy—I don’t think the Big T has the acting chops for it, comedic skills aside—but Seth’s love and concern for his brother makes their relationship touching in a sweetly sadistic way.

Harvey Keitel’s Jacob isn’t nearly as flawed, but he’s not perfect, either. He’s taking his kids on a forced road-trip after their mother, his wife, died in a car accident. He doesn’t hide his grief, or his spiritual crisis (he quit his job as a Baptist minister) from the kids, which is a considerable burden for them to bear: they’ve lost their mom, but it’s his despair that is structuring their family’s story.

His despair, and being hijacked by the Gecko brothers, of course. Seth and Jacob do some tentative bonding even before the vampires appear, and Jacob does seem to get stronger in the face of both adversity and a man who’s just sociopathic enough to speak plainly. Seth seems to have a sort of violent paternal urge towards Scott and Kate, too—despite his considerable flaws, he comes across as a man who takes care of the people that he promises to care for, which is what makes him so likeable. Plus, as I might have mentioned, he’s played by George Clooney.

Once they’ve all crossed the border (the US/Mexican border, the border between day and night, the border between action and reaction), there is a lot of blood, a lot of limbs ripped off, and more exploding heads than I could count. But even here Rodriguez takes his time: most horror movies are aware of the power of visuals; in addition to the music, it’s what’s on screen (more than what’s being said) that makes them interesting. But Rodriguez doesn’t just focus on the visual impact of bodily destruction, he also plays visual jokes (as when we see a real bad-ass playing Jenga) and allows the camera to focus on Salma Hayek’s dance with a snake. It’s damn sexy, and Rodriguez doesn’t rush it.

A few months ago I watched Desperado for the first time in about a decade, and I was astonished by the violence—I had really forgotten how long the gun-battles were, and how much blood was spilled. Duly re-prepared, I wasn’t shocked by the violence of FDTD: it’s also so very over-the-top, with ligaments spilling out of amputated legs and exploding eyeballs, that it’s hard to take it too seriously. (Rodriguez even pokes fun at our lust for violence in a hilarious newscast segment.) Having said that: this isn’t a kid’s movie.

Nor is it particularly quotable on a family-friendly blog. My list of quotes contain only two that don’t involve a hefty dose of obscenity: “I grind my teeth” and “Lap-dog of Satan.” So just trust me when I say that the dialogue is Tarantino-style funny, which is, I think, hilarious. The secondary characters are equally interesting: Tom Savini’s Sex Machine, and his wryly-placed semi-automatic weapon, is endearingly useful; Fred Williamson’s Frost does a great Vietnam mime show; and Cheech Marin effectively guards three different borders with his usual dopey panache.

I’m not a huge fan of cheesy movies with tacky plots and hokey dialogue. FDTD has all the potential to be silly, but by alternating between tongue-in-cheek and downright serious, it really rises above whatever descriptors we might give it.


Four out of four lap-dogs of Satan.

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Star Trek: The Galileo Seven

Spock: "The logical thing for you to have done was to have left me behind."
McCoy: "Mr. Spock, remind me to tell you that I'm sick and tired of your logic."
Spock: "That is a most illogical attitude."

Yes, this was another bad episode that we usually skipped. What can I say. Star Trek had its share of stinkers.

Moonlight: Dr. Feelgood

“We’ve got a rogue on our hands.”

It’s all about contrasts in this third entry: the doctor who kills, the vampire who saves, the astrophysicist overwhelmed by the minutiae of human interactions. And, on top of it all: the beautiful blond human who is a foil to the dark, mysterious ex-wife.

Wonderfalls: Totem Mole

Objects: Totem Pole, Bear Skull, Barrel Bear
Missions: “Go on in,” “Show him who’s special,” “Pick me,” and “Comfort her”

‘Totem Mole’ takes a break from the relationship drama of recent episodes by going to the reservation. Jaye tags along on a road trip to the Satsuma Indian Reservation, where Sharon plans to stock up on tax-free cigarettes and Mahandra plans to apply for tribal citizenship to help pay off her student loans (apparently she’s one-eighth Satsuman on her grandmother’s side). After a directive from a totem pole results in Jaye unknowingly conversing with the tribe’s deceased spiritual leader, she ends up on a quest to get said leader’s grandson, Bill, to take on the mantle in the hopes that he can help her silence the animal voices. Meanwhile, Sharon’s and Mahandra’s plans are stymied by a run-in with Deanna Littlefoot, Sharon’s former law school rival and the new tribal lawyer. Humiliation and hilarity ensues. By the end, Littlefoot is called as the tribe’s new spiritual leader; Bill learns that, even though he lacks “the gift,” the skills he does possess can help his people; and Jaye develops a new appreciation for her “great purpose,” deciding that it may not be a burden after all. Oh, and Sharon gets her cigarettes.

I wasn’t crazy about this episode. It felt very disconnected from the flow of the previous episodes. Yes, it continued the theme of Jaye wanting to rid herself of the voices in the wake of her heartbreak (“I couldn’t stand the thought of another day looking at those faces with their stupid little mouths, constantly running and making all sorts of unreasonable demands on me”); however, it strayed pretty far from our core group dynamic, instead focusing largely on Jaye’s and Sharon’s interactions with new characters, and quite frankly I didn’t find the newbies all that compelling. Bill was kind of sad and pathetic, and it was fairly painful to watch Jaye pressuring him to believe he had a special destiny. And Deanna Littlefoot was a total bitch. (She was an even bigger, smugger bitch than Heidi over these last few episodes. And that’s saying something!) I suppose it makes sense that Jaye (and the writers) would want a respite from the emotional chaos of the last several weeks, but it still felt like a jarring shift away from the meat of the story.

What’s more, the two subplots within the episode --- the search for the new spiritual leader and the old law school rivalry between Sharon and Littlefoot --- felt very disconnected. Only the thinnest and seemingly inconsequential of threads connects them in the end: the turquoise bracelet Jaye lifts at Wonderfalls. Jaye uses it while trying to test whether Bill is special, accidentally passes it on to Sharon, who uses it in a foolish attempt to show Littlefoot they have a lot in common, subsequently trapping Littlefoot in the sauna and leading her to her revelatory vision. A tenuous little plan the Universe set in motion this time, and not nearly as fun and twisty as some of Jaye’s past adventures.

I did actually enjoy some of Jaye’s moments with Bill and Aaron, and I liked the overall conclusion in which Jaye kind of comes to terms with being special and decides she might not be ready to give up the voices yet. “You know, I’m not so sure if my burden’s a burden or not. I mean, other people seem to want it. And that should make you pause before you give something up.” I particularly enjoyed Jaye trying to convince Bill he was on the wrong path, first in the gift shop and then in the teepee. Old Jaye was pretty insensitive to others’ feelings, but once she realized what she had done to Bill, she owned up to her mistake and really tried to let him down gently. “Bill, you’re not the guy. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I know you wanted to be the guy. And I wanted you to be the guy. And you look great in the outfit, but you’re not the guy.” Jaye might just be irrevocably changed for the better.

Other Thoughts

The Satsuma Indian Nation appears to be a completely fictional tribe. On the other hand, Tonawanda (as in, “Well, if it isn’t Mahandra Tonawanda”) is a recognized Indian tribe located in western New York. It is also a town located north of Buffalo and southeast of Niagara Falls.

Was that supposed to be a mole on the non-authentic totem pole? I’m confused because the episode is called ‘Totem Mole,’ but that thing looked nothing like a mole. It looked more like an eagle or some other kind of bird. Whatever it was, it was exceptionally chatty.

Nice callback to the Surrender to Destiny video from ‘Wax Lion.’

I love the subtle irony that both “whitey” and the Satsuma Indians were exploiting native traditions to attract tourists: Whitey with the Maid of the Mist myth, and the Satsumans with their fake totem pole.

Are we to assume that Eric is still slinging drinks at the Barrel and hasn’t left town yet?

The moment when Bill was shot by mall security was pretty intense. I actually wondered for a few minutes if he’d been seriously hurt or killed. I guess that would’ve been too dark for this show.

By and large, I didn’t care for the Sharon and Littlefoot parts of the story, but Littlefoot’s slow-motion exit from the sauna was pretty funny.

The native version of what sounded like ‘Amazing Grace’ was interesting.

Quotes

Gentlefeather: “You have been sought out for a great purpose. For this you have been chosen.”
Jaye: “Nooo. I don’t wanna be chosen. In this instance, I’m anti-choice.”

Sharon: “Remember the time you got our 200-year-old, beloved mascot banned from campus?”
Littlefoot: “It was a sexist symbol of patriarchal oppression.”
Sharon: “Yeah. It was a beaver.”

Bill: “You’re the girl who was talking to my dead grandma.”
Aaron: “It’s inanimate people, too?”

Aaron: “Many of the great spiritual leaders didn’t even realize they had gifts until they were called on to use them. […] St. Paul was just a punk until he was blinded by the light. And Gandhi was just drinking and whoring it up with his friends until he heard the cry of his people.”
Jaye: “And Neo was just a big geek until he swallowed that little red pill.”

Sharon (re: Littlefoot): “Karma’s coming ‘round and it’s gonna knock her to the ground. Ooh! I should write that down.”

Mahandra: “Nine hundred dollars?! Why should I pay nine hundred dollars to not be a member of the tribe? I’m already not a member of the tribe!”

Aaron (re: Bill): “Look at him. The man’s an accountant, Jaye. An accountant. He can’t even get the pipe lit. They’re making a fool out of him.”
Jaye: “Oh my god, you’re right. This is very cruel. What have I done? I’m like those parents who force their uncoordinated children to play sports.”

Sharon: “You know, I was thinking, we have so much in common. We both go to the same gym. I wear turquoise. Why can’t we just bury the hatchet?”
Littlefoot: “The hatchet?”
Sharon: “That was not a racial slur!”

Bill: “Thank you for supporting this imperialist establishment. Enjoy your purchase and have a racist day.”
Customer: “I’ve changed my mind.”
Jaye: “Wait! We’ve got some stuff that’s not racist. Look, a rainbow teddy bear! He represents all people, and he’s gay friendly!”

Alec: “You brought them here. You get rid of them!”
Jaye: “What do you want me to do? Like, litter and get ‘em to chase me?”

Jaye: “Having great purpose isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’ve had great purpose, and I’ve had no purpose, and I have to say no purpose is a lot easier. Expectations are low. Nobody asks you for anything. Count your blessings.”

Jaye: “Most of the time, it feels like the Universe doing this --- [starts hitting Bill with his own hand] --- ‘Why are you hitting yourself, Jaye? Why are you hitting yourself?’”

Final Analysis: Not the strongest episode. It had some genuinely funny moments, and I suppose a breather from the Eric drama wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but overall ‘Totem Mole’ felt a little too disconnected from recent events to be truly enjoyable.

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Persons Unknown: Incoming

“It’s survival of the fittest around here. Does this hurt?”

My inner sadist loved this episode. Kandyse McClure (Dualla from BSG) should star in that Wonder Woman movie they keep promising us: she kicked some serious ass quickly and efficiently, and even stopped for a costume change in the middle of her action sequence.

Moonlight: Out of the Past

Josef: "Humans don't know how to properly deal with their bad guys."

As I've said before, I fully acknowledge that Moonlight is derivative. But it's derived from lots of stuff I love, sort of like fantasy show smorgasbord. A little Angel, some Forever Knight, a touch of Highlander, my favorite actor from Veronica Mars. There's even a reckless girl reporter who gets into constant trouble, so you can add Superman to the list. And most importantly, Moonlight has star-crossed Buffy-ish romance, and I'm a sucker for that. Mick is a monster who saved the life of a little girl twenty-two years ago and has watched over her ever since. That's basic beauty and the beast. Very romantic. Not stalker-like at all.

Don't You Just Love Vampires, Billie?

In honor of Vampire Month, and because we were feeling a bit cheeky, we decided to continue the About Us interviews with an incisive series of conversations abut the very Important Topic of vampires. Um, I mean Vampires. Our first victim is site queen herself, Billie Doux.

What are your top three vampire movies?

Interview with the Vampire is probably my favorite. I had loved the book and was wildly apprehensive about the movie, and it turned out to be terrific. I still think that as far as vampire movies go, it's the one to beat. I don't actually have any other favorites.

What are your top 3 vampire TV shows?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and True Blood, in that order. Honorable mention for Moonlight, which had promise and a really hot lead, but never had a chance to fulfill its potential. I'm currently watching the reruns of Vampire Diaries with hope throbbing in my heart that it'll get good. I believe it will, because Josie says so.

What are your top 3 vampire books?

I'm not really into vampire books. For me, it's early Anne Rice and the Sookie Stackhouse series, and that's about it. I've read the Twilight books and they're fun, but I find them flawed and they don't speak to me personally.

Which vampire universe would you most like to be a vampire in?

Twilight, definitely. I'd love to be preternaturally gorgeous and all sparkly in the sunlight and be able to spend all my time reading, having super sex, and playing ultimate baseball.

What are your top 3 vampire kisses?
What are your top 3 vampire fight scenes?

I'm going to combine these two questions and give one answer for both: the Buffy episode "Smashed." Buffy and Spike consummated their bizarre love affair while battering each other, and they managed to destroy a building in the process. It was the wildest, sexiest, most passionate thing I've ever seen on television. It blew me away.

Who's the sexiest/favorite female vamp?

Drusilla on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She was just cool. Violent, insane, collected dolls, loved her.

Who's the sexiest/favorite male vamp? (Because with vampires, aren't sexy and favorite the same thing?)

Spike was my favorite for years, and still is, although Eric Northman has become a serious challenger for the top spot. They're both blond and snarky. Guess we know what Billie's type is.

Vampire I'd most like to bite me?

Definitely Eric Northman. I don't want Spike to bite me because he's trying too hard to behave.

Favorite Buffy quote?

This is not a question you should ask the person that the Buffywikia referred to as "renowned Buffy reviewer Billie Doux". I spent an hour going through my reviews and picking out my favorites. Eventually, I decided to narrow it down to the vampire-related quotes, or this piece would be five miles long. (So since I already did the compiling, I may do a "Favorite Buffy Quotes" piece later this month.)

Spike: "If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and spent the next six hours watching my hand move."

Giles: "Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore."

Willow: "So you're feeling better about Angel?"
Buffy: "Well, we talked. And then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me... and then we talked some more."
Willow: "See? That's how it should work."

Buffy: (to Dracula) "You know, I really think the thrall has gone out of our relationship."

Joyce: "He seemed so nice and normal. A little pale."
Willow: "A good Sunnydale rule of thumb? Avoid white-skinned men in capes."

Buffy: "You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up."
Spike: "Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck."

Andrew: "Buffy and Spike have some kind of history. You can feel the heat between them although, technically as a vampire, he's room temperature."

Why don't men get Spike?

I bet it's because Spike is a fool for love. He makes the woman he loves the center of his existence and builds his life around her. He'd do anything for her, anything to win her love. He'd even die for her. Maybe men find that a little frightening, or possibly a bit emasculating? It certainly made Spike more attractive to women.

Why men want to punch Angel... and then wear his entrails as a hat, record it for future posterity, and cite it as the answer to a question. [Editorial note: Paul made up this question.]

I've heard several times that when David Boreanaz auditioned for Angel, the men in the room had pretty much no reaction, but the women were in a tizzy. He's probably just one of those guys that women really like but men mostly go, Huh?

What do you like most about vampires?

Wow. I really had to think about this one, and my thoughts all went in the direction of the good-looking male vampires. There's immortality, meaning he isn't going to grow older and develop a beer belly. Since they usually don't eat normal food (yes, I remember Spike and the Weetabix) they tend to stay trim (yes, I remember Angel in season four). They look good in black. And they stalk you, which is only fun if the stalker is exceptionally gorgeous and you dig him.

What caliber gun should a UFC champion vampire hunter holding a beer use when taking down a horde of terrorist zombie werewolves while oogling a lesbian stripper next to BBQ steak? Let's race cars on a football field! [Editorial note: But this one is all Dimitri.]

42.

Team Edward or team Jacob?

Neither. I think the question should be "Team Bill or Team Eric?"

And of course, it's Eric.

Moonlight: No Such Thing As Vampires

“The food is mouthing off about the farmer.”

Due to popular demand—and our first annual Vampire Month—Billie and I are going to alternate reviews of Moonlight. We drew straws, and I wound up with the pilot. Once I looked it up on Netflix, though, I realized something. Something important. I’ve actually seen this episode before. I just forgot all about it.

Star Trek: Shore Leave

Spock: "The term is 'amusement park'."
Caretaker: "Of course."

Again with the theme of the perfect fantasy being dangerous. Except in the end, it wasn't.

Doctor Who: The Big Bang (2)

Amy: “Okay, kid. This is where it gets complicated.”

Good grief, she wasn't kidding. This was an episode which broke all the rules. There was no clashing of alien hardware. No Doctor v arch-nemesis fight to the death. There wasn't even the trading of annoying catch phrases. All we got is one fossilised Dalek -- and even it looked fit to drop. But what they failed to deliver in terms of dazzling, high-octane (and often ridiculously over-the-top) spectacle, they more than made up for in brain scrambling complexity. We went back and forth through time more times tonight than we've done all season. We were also treated to a wedding, two Amy Ponds, the return of Aunt Sharon, and dancing so freakishly disturbing it should never have been shown before the 9.00 PM water shed. Baffling? Certainly. Entertaining? That's what we're here to find out.

Vampire Diaries: Lost Girls

“Tip for later: be careful who you invite in the house.”

Sure, this episode is about lost girls: confused Elena, compelled and compliant Vicki, and catty Katherine. But it’s also about our lost boys: Stefan and Damon, pulled apart and coerced by the very same Katherine. Does she count as a lost girl? Seems to me like she knows what she’s doing.